April 3

I just read an online article which reminded spouses that when things get rough, you just have to go back to the day you first fell in love with your partner, or think of the things why you chose him among the rest. And why you are holding on to that decision.

Twenty two years is a long time. Alex and I have gone through A LOT. We've had tough and reckless years in the past but we have forgiven each other, made our peace and re-created our life together. Good thing that I keep journals and writings about our relationship, especially when it’s our anniversary (we don’t celebrate our civil or church wedding anniversary, but the day when we became a couple which was on April 3, 1992 - and today is our monthsarry, thus this blog). Writing about us each year gives me a reason and an opportunity to look back and reflect on what has become of us. Whenever I feel sad, I just re-read my blog entries to remind me of why, when and how I fell in love with him. This way, I would focus on the positive, on the ups and the highs, on the joys and thrills.

He and I don’t fight anymore, and there are things that we have given up and have not been doing.  There are things we both love, yet we still have our own interests, passions, addictions. There are things we do together, and there are things we don’t have to do together.  I can be by myself or be with friends. And he can be by himself, or be with his friends. We’re steady, we’re calm, we’re cool. We don’t have to talk a lot, sometimes we just send body signals. Most of the time, we don’t even have to say anything at all. We just understand each other. He has chosen me and I, him. And that's it.

Whenever someone asks me why I don’t drive (anymore), I just say it’s because of my poor eyesight (even if I wear contacts) and I find it hard to drive when it’s dark or raining. Sometimes I say it’s because I don’t need to, I have Alex anyway. And whenever the issue of having or maintaining two cars comes up, I just say it’s expensive. We've tried that before. But the truth is (and until now, I haven't confessed or said this thing, except for 2 persons), I want to need my husband. I need to need him. There was a time when we each had a car, and we lived our lives separately. He had his friends and gimmicks, and I had mine. Our marriage and relationship suffered that I don’t want it to happen again. I don't want to experience again the time when I didn't need him. Driving is the only thing I cannot (or won't) do now – the rest, I can. And if I can do that one thing, I wouldn't need him anymore. I need my husband in my life. I hope you’re catching my drift J

In my last blog, I wrote that “Sometimes, some of the truest things are not seen, shown or said.” Maybe I haven’t been showing or telling my husband that I love him, or maybe you don’t see that. But the truth is out there – he will always be my one true love.

~TheGoodGirl

More April 3 blog entries:

http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/125003

http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/72315

http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/31818

http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/31812

http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/31790

http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/17355

http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/1095

Sometimes, some of the truest things are not seen, shown or said…

Last week, a boss-friend, during an elevator ride, out of the blue asked me, “Malungkot ka pa rin?” 

I (who always have a quick retort to almost everything) was not able to answer him. 

Puzzled, I tweeted about it, and he replied, to my surprise, “Because you don’t look happy.”

Just the other day, my nanny, while we were in the supermarket, told me that my daughter asked her, “Ate, bakit parang palaging malungkot si Mommy?” 

And she said she told Cae, “Pano namang di malulungkot mommy mo, tingnan mo nangyari sa kotse ninyo, tapos yung lola mo…” she went on, citing some “domestic state of affairs.”

Funny, but my son also asked me the same question one night.

“Mommy?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sad?”

Am I sad? Why am I sad? Why do people think I’m sad?

I don’t know who said or who wrote it, but “The way sadness works is one of the strangest riddles of the world.”

For one, you simply cannot have everything. That’s why when a door closes, you count the windows that are left open or windows that will be opened. You focus on the ups and the highs. Like the joys brought about by my children. My siblings. Friends who love me and enjoy my company. My writings. My job (but not my career). My greatest addictions. The consistent inconsistencies I used to hate. You don’t dwell on the pain, you just have to accept that there are “dreams that cannot be.” But yes, you are entitled to some “feels” moments. I was, and I am entitled to be sad. Perhaps, those unguarded “feels” moments are what people or friends see, and I’m sorry for that.

Maybe I’m sad because I have been too busy making people happy. A paradox, right? I have always been one who takes into account the happiness of the people I love and people who matter to me, before my own. And more often than not, I forget mine. Because for me, sometimes my feelings don’t matter, my feelings are not important - no matter how valid they are. And they can always take the backseat - if it means the other party is happy / is ok. Even if it means I am hurt or I'll get hurt or I'm not ok.

Maybe I look sad because people expect me to be happy most of the times. Was it Confucius or Paulo Coelho who said that the funniest people are the saddest ones?

Or maybe it’s a feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause. Or without an explanation. In Tumblr, young people call it hyprophenia (but in Psychology, it means mental retardation).

“There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept,

Things we don’t want to know but have to learn,

And people we can’t live without but have to let go.”

And life goes on.

And on.

~TheGoodGirl

500 Days of Summer

Look, we don't have to put a label on it.

That's fine. I get it. But, you know, I just... I need some consistency.

I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning

and feel differently.

(500) Days of Summer (2009)
An offbeat romantic comedy about a woman who doesn't believe true love exists, and the young man who falls for her.
Director: Marc Webb
Writers: Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber
Stars: Zooey Deschanel, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

~TheGoodGirl

Words from TheGoodGirl

Dear John

Re-reading your last note

It didn’t have a hint

Of your leaving

Maybe I read it all wrong.

It was your way of saying goodbye.

~TheGoodGirl

Words from TheGoodGirl

360 Degrees

The small portions
I used to hate
Are the same ones
That make me happy now.

Those consistent inconsistencies
I am loving them now.

The uncertainty
I am embracing now.
~TheGoodGirl

Words from TheGoodGirl

Foursquare

Lost you once
Twice, almost.
I will never lose you again.

I am just here if you need me
And even if you don't.
~TheGoodGirl

Words from TheGoodGirl

Misfit

Like a blanket on a hot night 
I am just trying to fit in. 
A stranger in a crowd 
A square button in a round hole 
I will never fit in 
But i will forever be trying.
~TheGoodGirl