Half of My Heart

But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

- Lost Stars

For someone who has been married for 22 years, I have been asked too often how one is able to stay long in a marriage. Especially if one got hitched at an early age like me. So many factors contribute to marital breakdown – immaturity, infidelity, money, communication, addictions, sex, fatigue, to name a few. And in this age of internet and information technology, almost nothing is impossible, or better yet, almost everything is possible.

I am not ashamed to say that the primary reason we got married young was because I got pregnant. At that time, I was just a year and a half out of college and I had to give up a job because of my difficult pregnancy until my 5^th month. Yet at that time, I was sure that he was going to be the person I would marry. Perhaps that knowledge and that certainty stemmed from the fact that I had previous relationships which never reached that level. I believe it when people say that you will know if and when that person is The One. And I also believe that if and when that person is indeed The One, hindi mo na patatagalin pa.

However, I would be a hypocrite if I say that I don’t have what-ifs. What if I didn’t get pregnant? What if we waited a little bit? What if I took up Law instead? What if we met somebody else? What if hindi kami ang nagkatuluyan? Too late, I suppose, and it wouldn’t be fair to us both to be thinking of those things. But I guess, Alex too would have his own what-ifs. Like any other marriage, ours is not a fairy tale. Inasmuch as we’ve had great times, we’ve had our share of horrors and mishaps. Of faults and failures. Of trying times and setbacks. Inasmuch as there were great years, there were lost years that can never be brought back again. And how can we regain something that wasn’t even ours in the first place? They're just shoved in my favorite place – in the dark recesses of my mind, where they cannot haunt or hurt me any longer.

At the end of the day, there are no clear-cut rules, and there are different strokes for different folks. I am thankful when people accept and acknowledge my bits and pieces of advice when it comes to love and relationships. I am no guru but I think I am a bit of an expert in my own right. When you are able to go through the most difficult times and you still end up together, choosing each other after all has been said and done, I guess, you are credible.

1.  For the fun part, my Tip#1 goes like this: Mag-asawa ng pogi. Kahit anong mangyari, at least pogi. Asar ka na nga, panget pa? LOL Even if you fight, refuse to talk to each other, bigyan ka ng kunsumisyon, at least pogi pa rin hahaha
2. Tip#2: If you are a doer type of a person, it’s ok to marry a dreamer. But if you are a dreamer yourself, marry a doer, not a fellow dreamer. It’s ok to dream but someone between the two of you has to take action. You got to make things happen. It cannot be dreaming all the time.
3.  Tip#3: Believe in the goodness of everything. That despite everything, every single moment that happens or happened to you will always teach you about goodness.
4.  Tip#4: Don’t ever give up. Most couples nowadays just give up. Don’t. The heart is stronger than you think. Sometimes you feel your heart cannot take it any longer, but how it continues to endure pain after pain is something that amazes me up to this very minute. #PUSO
5.  Tip#5: If all else fails, refer to Tip#1. At least, pogi.

I could go on and on. But maybe, I can continue this in another blog. For my part, I am not a perfect wife and I guess no one is. But God knows I tried so hard and I worked so hard. Sure, I have my lapses, but I would like to believe that I’ve done more than my fair share in this partnership.

Above all, and most importantly, this marriage gave me two bright and beautiful children, who are the source of my pride and joy. And I don’t mean just bright and beautiful – as in really really bright and beautiful. Everything that happens, they say, has a reason. And if the reason for my early marriage is having these children, and being a mother to them, then I have no regrets at all.

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

~TheGoodGirl

Love in Action

Love is action. It isn’t talk, and it never has been. – Pat Conroy

Last week, my son Caehl was sick. It was one thing that he was sick, and another that I was away on a business trip in Cebu. I was monitoring him while attending the training, texting my kumare who’s his pedia, and giving instructions to the people back home. I kept on reminding Alex to do these things, but I just wanted to be sure they are done in my absence.

When I got back, Caehl was still not feeling well, but he managed to take his quarterly exams just the same. I was worried that he wasn’t able to answer the tests correctly, or that he was in a hurry to finish them, just so he could go home. Nanay Ev said that his class adviser was praising him for completing the exams despite his condition. Yesterday, I arrived home to see his test folder on my desk. I didn’t want to look, but why did I ever doubt my son? He got two perfect scores, and the rest, 1-2 mistakes. That was fine – no, that was great. My son did all right. But he still wanted to know what causes bacterial infection. That’s Caehl – he has to know the rationale, the root cause of anything and he’ll be ok.

Looking back, whenever my children get sick, I realized I am not really the nursing kind of mom. My daughter Caitlin even accused me once of not caring, or not showing that I care. It’s just that I am the type of mom who acts on the problem right away; it’s what you call “hindi ma-nene.” I would contact their doctors immediately and get things done – have them checked up, buy meds, ask them what they want to eat, tell them to rest and sleep. Maybe I lack the qualities of a caregiver, that’s why I didn’t go into health care, I am not cut out to be a nurse. While I do worry a lot, it’s how things work for me. And that’s who I am, and that’s my way of showing I care. Even in the workplace, while a meeting is going on regarding a project, nasa implementation mode na ko agad. I think it was my former boss Ma’am Myrna, who used to describe my working style as “aksyon agad.”

Maybe it’s because when I myself get sick, I don’t expect people to fuss over me. I’m ok, I can take care of myself. I know what to do. My body is my accountability. Or better yet, I don’t really show that I don’t feel well. Moms don’t get that much privilege. Even if we are sick, we still tackle our tasks like we’re not. Sometimes, I don’t know if I should be flattered that they think I’m a superwoman - invincible and powerful. I remember the time when I wasn’t speaking during dinner because I was having dysmenorrhea, and Caitilin and I had a fight. “Anak, hindi ba pwedeng tumahimik lang muna?” Short of saying, Can’t I be left alone for once? Don’t I have the right to be not ok? Can’t I be sick? That’s why I appreciate it greatly when in fairness, they give me space when I have migraine attacks or PMS, or when I simply want to sleep. I overheard Nanay Ev and Caehl one time. “Caehl, don’t disturb your mom. She might have a headache.” And Caehl replied, “No, she’s fine, she’s just sleeping.”

At the end of the day, we all have our own way of showing how we care for others. You may be the hug and physical touch type; some may do it by words of affirmation; others through quality time spent; while some, by acts of service – like me. Or it can be a combination of any of these things.

When I do things for you, even without your telling me, that’s my way of showing I love you. I am on my best mode when I am doing something for someone, and I love it when I do something for people without being asked or told. You don’t have to tell me, I just get things done – especially when I have to do things that I don’t like doing, but I still do it just the same - all out of love. And I will do it over and over again.

~TheGoodGirl

Stuck In Love

“I don't want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.”

― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

In the movie Stuck in Love (2012), Samantha the daughter (Lily Collins) is a cynic when it comes to love. “If love is setting a place at the table for someone who is never coming home, I think I'll pass,” she said.

What is it about love that brands hopeless romantics as fools, and those who avoid it all costs, as realists? Why is love often associated with hurt and hearts breaking, and not with happiness and hope?

Some of my single female friends seem to have given up on love, and on finding the One. Sometimes you have to make things happen. Who said it’s illegal for a girl to make the first move and let a guy know how she feels? I remember telling someone that I am a person who is not and will never be afraid of love. Back then, if I liked someone or fell for a guy, I would let him know – even if it means taking the risk of being rejected (i.e. if he didn’t like me back). But what about if he does/did, and all he needed was a push, or a bit of encouragement? Of course, not all of them succumbed to my charms, but most of them did. Quite a gamble, I must say, but what about if I just waited and he didn’t make the first move at all? Sayang ang panahon, I would always say. Sayang ang panahon when we could already be together, making memories of our own, instead of just waiting and wishing and dreaming and hoping.

Yes, love is complicated. It’s not all about thrills and whistles, and bells and chimes. It’s not always mutual or reciprocated, or being loved in return.  Sometimes, it being the source of your happiness is also the same source of pain and sadness. Love sometimes does not have to be raucous. It’s not all about noise and excitement, one that comes with a town crier, or a music band. Sometimes, there’s a calm kind of love, the kind that just quietly seeps in, during your unguarded moments, and before you know it, it’s there - when you least expect it. Sometimes, love takes time and effort. If you don’t take action, nothing will happen. Yet sometimes, you don’t have to look for love, it is right there all along. Sometimes, love does not have to be a show, or a performance. Just a look, a touch, a smile, a comfortable silence - no words are necessary. Sometimes, it comes once, if you are lucky enough. But there are second chances, and third, and fourth, before you hit the jackpot. Sometimes, it never comes at all.

There are pains inasmuch as there are gains. There are happy endings, inasmuch as there are sad endings. And there are no 'forevers' inasmuch as there are 'happily ever afters'. And only when you come to terms with its complexities in all its forms that you learn to love, lose, live, leave, let go and laugh.

Read more in my previous blog A Face in the Crowd http://therealgoodgirl.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-face-in-crowd.html

~TheGoodGirl

Taylor-Fit

"I've never thought about songwriting as a weapon. I've only thought about it as a way to help me get through love and loss and sadness and loneliness and growing up."

“Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.”

― Taylor Swift

I am a Swiftie – and I’m proud of it.

I don’t care about her long list of failed relationships (hey, I’m a girl, too), I love her songwriting and I love her songs. Taylor Swift is a girl after my own heart. She writes songs the way I write my stories – full of emotions, at the moment, and so…real. Her way with words, at such a young age, and how she turns her experiences into hit songs, I will always be a fan. I don’t care if her age is closer to my daughter’s. This girl is simply amazing.

There is always a Taylor Swift song for almost anything – when you’re in love, when you’re sad or mad, or happy, when you've just met someone new or when you’re getting over someone, and every emotion there is on the spectrum, as they say. There's not a day in the week that I don't have her on my playlist. There's always a Taylor Day for me.

My Favorite Taylor Songs:

Red

-         A roller coaster of intense emotions, that’s why it’s red. It’s so good, and it’s so bad at the same time. The highs, the lows; the ups, the downs.

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you

Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song

Losing him was blue like I'd never known

Missing him was dark gray all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met

But loving him was red

Begin Again

-        What can I say, but I love new beginnings, especially after picking up the pieces of a broken heart and the magic brought about by meeting someone new and looking forward to something great.

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid

I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did

I've been spending the last eight months

Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end

But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

Enchanted

-        The enchantment of meeting someone, it’s like floating after having that connection, of being alive after a long time, and you can’t stop thinking of that someone.

This is me praying that

This was the very first page

Not where the story line ends

My thoughts will echo your name

Until I see you again

These are the words I held back

As I was leaving too soon

I was enchanted to meet you

Back to December

-        When you look back at a romance with regret for having ended it. Sort of like an apology song.

Maybe this is wishful thinking,

Probably mindless dreaming,

But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.

I Almost Do

-        Of missing someone and resisting the urge to call, knowing it’s a bad idea.

And I just wanna tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you.

And I wish I could run to you.

And I hope you know that every time I don't

I almost do,

I almost do.

Treacherous

-        Of a love that seemed romantic and perfect, but dangerous.

Two headlights shine through the sleepless night

And I will get you, and get you alone

Your name has echoed through my mind

And I just think you should, think you should know

That nothing safe is worth the drive and I would

Follow you, follow you home...

I'll follow you, follow you home...

Fearless

-        The title itself propels it to the top of my list. One should remain fearless, even after a series of pains, disappointments. No matter how many times you fall and get hurt, you shouldn't be afraid to stand up and love again.

So baby drive slow

Til we run out of road in this one horse town

I wanna stay right here in this passenger's seat

You put your eyes on me

In this moment now capture it remember it

Well you stood there with me in the doorway my hands shake

I'm not usually this way but

You pull me in and I'm a little more brave

It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something, it's fearless.

~TheGoodGirl

Sleepless in Shuttle

On our way to the office this morning, I was telling Alex about my van ride yesterday. How I disliked the girl who sat beside me. She’s chubby, and probably years older than Cae. From the back, she transferred to the front row, so I assumed she would get off before us. But no, she was still there when it was my turn. I waited for her to move, I think I said “Excuse me” twice. She wouldn’t budge. “Excuuuuuuuusssssse me,” I said again. Aba, ayaw pa rin. The other passengers were already looking at us. Then I said, “Parang ayaw mo magpababa ah!” Then I didn’t wait na, bumaba na lang ako (kasehodang matamaan sya) and slammed the door. I knew she was staring at me, I wished I stared at her back and said a few more things, but I didn’t care anymore.

My point was, kung hindi ka naman bababa agad and you chose the seat near the door, then expect that somebody else will get off ahead of you, so be prepared to move or allow them to get off. I do that – a lot. Otherwise, dun ka maupo sa likod. If you don’t want to be disturbed. For me, it doesn’t matter if the person is older or younger than me. If I’m blocking his or her way, bababa ako. It’s just the way things are. Magpapadaan ka talaga. Isa lang ang exit eh. Pare-pareho lang tayong pasahero at hindi tayo ang may-ari ng sasakyan. Where are the manners of this girl? Parang mommy na lang nya ko. I told Alex I would have understood if it were raining, syempre she’d get wet. But it wasn’t. Plain laziness and bad manners.

Alex said, “Magblog ka nga ng shuttle etiquette.” Lol.

I have a lot of van adventures – funny, infuriating, minsan mapapailing ka na lang, di mo alam kung maiinis ka or matatawa. If there is phone or email etiquette, there must be ‘shuttle etiquette’, too.

People who are talking loudly over the phone, hindi kaya sila nahihiya na marinig yung conversation nila? I hate that. Pwede namang mahina lang.

People who snore. Wow. Ako ang nahihiya whenever somebody does that.

People who talk loudly with each other. Ah excuse me po, when you’re tired after a day’s work, parang ayaw mo ng maingay. Or is it just my age?

People who kept on complaining about the heat inside the van, or how it is too crowded. Please. Normal na po ang siksikan, ganun talaga. Apatan kung apatan. Don’t blame the other passengers. Ayaw pa umusog. Eh di bayaran mo lahat para wala kang katabi. Or better yet, buy your own vehicle.

People who are sweaty. Ewwww. Ang lagkit kaya.

People who don’t smell good. Naman.  No explanation necessary.

Guys na nakabukaka. Ano ba namang ipitin mo yan, sakop mo na lahat ng upuan ah.

People who wear earphones or are stuck to their headsets na dinig na dinig ng lahat kung gaano kalakas, hindi tuloy marinig na may bababa.

Parents na may kinakandong na bata, kahit masikip na. Ibayad ninyo na yan. Especially if they’re taking too much space. I don’t mind crying babies, it’s not their fault. And I don’t mind children who talk a lot during the trip. Ok lang yun. But sometimes, natatapakan ka, or nadudumihan ka ng shoes nila. Sorry na lang.

Yung iba naman, pasakay pa lang, “Sa ano lang ako bababa.” Ano ba yan, hindi pa nga sumasakay, bababa na agad? Lahat gusto maupo sa bungad. May sasakyan bang puro bungad??? If you can picture in your mind the flyer used by the Wright brothers, ayun pwede yun.

But there is still some goodness inside the shuttle, in all fairness. People who are nice, people who initiate small talks, especially senior citizens or older ones who smile at you. Guys who smell good, na parang gusto ko nang sabihan ng, “Boss, pakiss naman, ambango eh.” People with manners, who say ‘excuse me’ and ‘thank you’. People who open the door for you, or echo your “Sa tabi lang,” when the driver didn’t hear you. People who are considerate. People who are good-natured, hindi mareklamo.

I know some will not agree with me, kanya-kanyang opinion lang naman yan. And there are some who find my adventures amusing. It's ok for me to commute, no big deal. I am used to that. I grew up taking tricycles, jeepneys, buses. Commuting or taking public transport may be a challenge, it’s a jungle out there, but we can still practice good manners and right conduct to enjoy the ride.

~TheGoodGirl

Being Too Busy – is there such a thing?

Every day is a Mother's Day.

“We all have the same 24/7. What we do with our time becomes our priority. Choose what you do with your time and do not lead a life by default” ― Patt Hollinger Pickett

A former boss once said, “We all have the same 24 hours a day. I often wonder why some people always say as an excuse that they don’t have the time.”

Maybe it’s inherent for women. Having time for everything, that is. A mom and a dad have the same 24 hours, but the former can seem to accomplish more than the latter. I am not being sexist, I am just saying it is true or it can be true. I have a 7am-4pm job, and as soon as I get home, there’s still work to be done. I can still do errands, do a household check, spend time with my kids, watch TV, have a social media life, read, write, and have some “me” time.

While everyone else is asleep, a mom can still be up, making sure the house is tidy, all the dishes washed, all lights out.  And she can be the same person to wake up before anyone else does. She can be a working mom and do household chores at the same time, and help kids do their homework or projects. I think a female is more effective as a multi-tasker than her counterpart. I discovered that if a man is busy on something, sometimes his world stops because he is doing that something, or focusing on that something. If you give him another task or more than one task, he will be TOO BUSY. Women on the other hand seem to have that built-in “trash segregation system” on their mind – parang may color coding sa isip - this is for this, this is for that. We have a lot on our plates but we still can get a lot of things done. I guess physicality is the issue why Jerry Siegel created Superman as a He.

Nobody is too busy. I don’t buy that (except if it's a life-and-death situation). I’m a busy girl. I may be busy with a lot of things, but I can never be too busy for my family, for friends, for loved ones, for my hobbies or interests, for the things that matter most. I am busy, but I can still write. I am busy, but I can still have fun. I am never too busy to care or to show that I care. I will always find time. If I fail to do something, it’s because I don’t want to do it, or it’s not a priority, and not because I don’t have time for it. Let’s stop glorifying “busy” that it has become another word for “fine.” 

"How are you?" "Busy." 

Never get too busy with life, that you don’t have time to live.

~TheGoodGirl

Thomasian Throwback

Acknowledgment: http://wikimapia.org/3002449/Rosarium-Garden#/photo/1214931

I was having lunch with my kids one day, listening to Cae and Kong’s bantering and talking about UST. Butting in, I said what I miss about UST, or where I used to hang out, was Tinoko Park. That’s where 3C5/4C5 (in short, Journ majors) would usually stay, while waiting for the next class or just not wanting to go home yet. It is the park across AB (or St. Raymund’s Building). It is now known as Rosarium.

To me, Tinoko will always be a place where dreams were conceived, ideals carried on, relationships found and lost. I remember it was where most of the students’ political groups used to gather, with their streamers and stuff strewn all over. For some, it served as a rehearsal venue, with cassette recorders in tow. Some would bring their typewriters for paperwork or assignments. Some would review for their quizzes or exams. Tambayan. Kainan. Intayan. Meeting place. Lovers’ lane. Kung wala kang jowa nun, aww shet. I also remember a soft drink truck parked nearby, from where my naughty classmates “stole” a few bottles. Other favorite activities of Journ majors were people-watching, heckling, making noise, mang-okray ng mga nagdadaan, and endless chikahan. But lest you think that those were only the things we're good at, can I just say that UST AB Journalism has produced quite a lot of great graduates.

Life was so much simpler then. Hindi pa uso ang cellphone, Starbucks, gadgets. Puro hard copy ang notes, puro pa-xerox. Ang camera nun, de-film pa. There we were in Tretorn sneakers or Converse. “Walking shorts” pa ang tawag. And being a working student was an "in" thing then. If you hadn’t worked for a fast food chain during our time, you were an exception. I worked as service crew in Red Ribbon Timog when I was in 2^nd year. My work hours were 3pm-8pm (closing time) Monday-Saturday, after class; 4pm-8pm when I have PE classes. Alala ko, one time, after my table tennis class, diretso na ko sa office, still wearing my cream PE shirt, black skirt and black PE shoes. Since it was still early for my shift, using the wall, I practiced hitting the pingpong ball back and forth. I overheard someone say, “Sino yung bata?” Hahaha. Neneng-nene pa siguro nun, napagkamalan akong “bata.” The only celebrity I saw then was Regine Velasquez. When I was in 3^rd year, I worked as a part-time writer for a news agency which had an office on Scout Ybardolaza, QC. I would report every MWF in the afternoon. 

We did not have yet the carpark which houses McDonald’s, KFC, among others, now. Other popular tambayans were the UST Coop, the Main Building, Colayco Park (now the Quadricentennial Park) and eventually, The UST Miguel de Benavides Library. And of course, the Flame office in St. Raymund’s Building. Madalas din, naka-Indian seat lang sa corridors, in our long dark blue skirts. 

For me, the best “wholesome” kainans / hang-out places were Janet’s and Mike’s (the best Southern style fried chicken ever with cole slaw on the side), Malls close to UST were limited to SM City / North EDSA (1 jeepney ride away) and SM Centerpoint (1 bus ride away).

If you asked me if I had my share of flood horror stories, you bet. You will never be a real Thomasian kung wala kang experience na ganito. Ang dugong nananalaytay sa amin ay hindi lang black-white-gold, kundi tubig-baha. I was stranded many times, and I would walk home wading along the dark cold water. May ipis pa. Ewww. And yes, meron din namang HHWW sa baha memories. LOL.

And maybe the best thing that happened to me as a Thomasian was meeting my partner in life. While he was a Literature major, Alex and I had the same circle of writer-friends. Tahimik lang siya, medyo suplado. Hi Hello lang, usually. He was in love with (or getting over) another girl at that time, and I with somebody else, too. I didn’t know why I dreamed of him one night. The following morning, I saw him along Tinoko. I greeted him by saying, “Uy, napaginipan kita kagabi.” I didn’t wait for his answer, I just kept on walking. Yun pala, magiging kami later on.

One afternoon, April of 1992, there we were, Alex and I, sitting on one of the benches, watching the sunset. We were already a couple but we didn’t know it. We just needed formality. So I decided to ask. “So, anong anniversary natin? April 1 o 3?” And right then and there, we agreed that it was going to be April 3. Who said there was no forever? Was it Rita Rudner who said that "It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

UST will always be home. And I will always be a proud and growling Thomasian. #GoUSTE

~TheGoodGirl