August Rush (The Journey Within)

And suddenly August is leaving...Akala ko matatapos ang August na wala akong 'episode.' Ganda pa naman ng report ko sa psychiatrist ko kaya mataas ang grade ko haha I spoke too soon. 

This morning, I had my usual anxiety attack. Which left me weak pero nilalabanan ko as I had a number of meetings na di pwedeng lelembot-lembot. Must be triggered by this Delta variant, the increasing cases and deaths...the uncertainties...na akala natin mababawasan na with the vaccine and all. Imagine if this variant came out earlier na wala pang nababakunahan, wiped out ang mundo 😓😓😓 How I long for the old times...when we were all free 😓😓😓

While I was told to stop taking my meds for anxiety/panic attacks, naka-anti depressant pa rin ako. This pandemic is not helping at all. Minsan, maiiyak ka na lang, hindi mo alam kung bakit. Or konting kibot makes you cry. You don't know if you're sad, or upset, or scared, basta hindi mo alam kung ano ung emptiness inside. Kung bakit. Kung saan galing...minsan gusto mo na lang lumutang, maging hotdog sa ref, tumulala, walang gawin, yung walang nararamdaman. Just last Sunday, I was so happy to visit and see my daughter and my sister...sige tawa. Pag-uwi namin, biglang iyak amft 😭😭😭

Arte lang. Kami rin naman depressed. Kami rin naman nalulungkot. Pare-pareho lang tayo. Iba-ibang degrees lang. Kanya-kanya lang tayong problema at pagdadala nito.  I won't argue with that. We all have our moments, our crosses to carry, and your feelings and opinion are valid. I won't invalidate that. But please don't invalidate ours. We are clinically diagnosed. Depression or major depressive disorder is a serious mental health condition, hindi lang sya basta lungkot or basta "feeling low or down" which we experience from time to time, na may identified causes (e.g. your pet died, you broke up with your partner, pinagalitan ka ng parents mo, you failed in a subject or you got low grades). Eto, hindi mo alam kung ano yung umaatake sa iyo that sometimes interferes with your work or studies, or your normal activities. Hopelessness, despair, loss of interest in life or interacting with others. Mild to severe. Madalas, I feel disengaged. Ayaw ko ng may kausap. Gusto ko lang mag-isa. 

Remember some celebrities who looked or appeared ok / normal just before their suicide, after years of struggling with depression and anxiety? Yung parang wala namang problema. Totoo yun. Ganun kami. And yes, maiisip mo yung pag-end ng lahat. Not that I want to do it ha. But it crosses your mind pala talaga. Not because you just want to escape from problems, or realities of life. Not because you are selfish. Or weak. Not because you are not God-fearing or prayerful enough. Hindi eh. It just can't be explained. It just happens. Depression sucks. Sabi ko nga sa doctor ko, sometimes people will not understand. Para kang luka-luka...tatawa, iiyak. 🙄🙄🙄 yes, sh*t like this happens - even to the best, the smartest, the richest...

Kaya please po, please be kind to everyone, to anyone. Because we don't know what they are going through. Be more patient. Be more understanding. Reach out to someone. Let them know you care. Let them know they are loved and needed. That they are good, and that there's still a lot of good in this world.

God bless us all #talesofthegoodgirl

References: Chester Bennington https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/chester-benningtons-last-days-linkin-park-singers-mix-of-hope-heaviness-124862/

Anthony Bourdain: https://allthatsinteresting.com/anthony-bourdain-death

Snow Globe

Nakakaumay na yung ulan 

😩 Thankfully, ok na ang roof namin, no more leaks🤞 And tipid sa aircon 👌 Downside, hirap magpatuyo ng sampay 👚👕 flooded areas, intermittent internet/signal, brownout. Advantages of wfh, you don't have to brave this weather, ma-traffic or ma-stranded or pumila sa terminal for a van na hindi sure kung darating. Props to our Kuya Riders (Lazada/Shopee/Grab/Food Panda) na matatapang sumugod sa ulan at baha. Stay safe, mga kuya. ☔

For the past 3 years of my career, para akong flitter inside a snow globe. Kahit saan mapunta o mahulog pagka-shake, you try to adapt, adjust. Fall silently. Even if everything changes. 

And you remain just shaken, never broken. Kahit ilang beses o kahit pano alugin.

In the end, those who remain soft and silent are the ones you can trust to stay. 

We chose to have DIY burgers, sausages and potato waves today 🍔🍔🍔 missing my daughter so much. 

God bless us all 💜💜💜 #frommykitchenwithlove #talesofthegoodgirl

The Journey Within

 “The only journey is the one within.”

You won’t know until it hits you. The things you used to say easily and casually, “Depressed ako”, “Kaka-depress”… but when it’s actual and real, it’s life-changing.

Everyone has his own story to tell. And this is mine.

When I had those frequent elevated blood pressure, chest pains and difficulty in breathing, the first thought was it could be my heart. Syempre pag puso, wala nang kesyo-kesyo. Pacheck up agad di ba. Lalo na at my age. I was asked to have blood chemistry tests, ECG and 2D Echo, among others. Na hihimatayin ka lalo sa mahal LOL Mamamatay na ba ko. Ganun ba atake sa puso? Kung ano-ano na naisip ko. My BP was being monitored 2x a day. Although there were findings, and my heart is no longer normal (impaired relaxation, Grade 1 diastolic dysfunction), my cardiologist said this could still be addressed by diet and exercise, hydration, lifestyle change. He would ask me to describe my “episodes”. I felt he could not find what was wrong with me. But I kept on coming back to him. He said I might have non-cardiac chest pain (baka hindi sa puso yung cause ng pain) and suggested that it might be post-surgical (so I should see my surgeon) or may be due to anxiety or stress.

To cut the long story short, I was referred by our company physician (thank you, as always Doc Bing) to a psychiatrist (Recovery Hub by Metro Psychiatry Inc). And true enough, I was found to be suffering from burnout, aggravated by the pandemic and the almost 24/7 work-from-home set-up. I was clinically diagnosed with anxiety and major depressive disorder. I realized that all the time I thought I was going to die, I was having anxiety attacks. My episodes were real, and not just imagined or invented. I was always tired, drained, disengaged, unmotivated. I was starting to hate my job, feeling empty and less capable, doubting myself and my capabilities. Na parang kulang ang oras. Na parang hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa gawin yung mga pinapagawa sa akin. I felt insecure and napagiwanan ng panahon. Nagpapanic ako every time I think of my To Do’s. I would wake up every night just to think of my tasks. I dreaded turning on my laptop and attending virtual meetings. Para akong naka-autopilot mode, lumilipad ang isip, walang focus or conscious thought as I went on with my daily meetings and tasks. Ang hirap huminga. Lagi ako ninenerbyos. Sh*t, I thought, ganito ba mag-e-end ang career ko? And again...why me? Ako na naman po? Ako pa, who is generally a cheerful person? At wala akong inuurungan na trabaho. 

All my pains, disappointments, fears, failures, frustrations, anger, hurt and hard feelings were unearthed by my doctor. I was crying during our first session. I will not divulge such of course, as they are too personal and private but it felt good to open up to someone who understands what you are going through. And does not judge you. I am not crazy. And I am not making things up. They are real. My struggles are valid. And kahit anong ultrasound or blood test or -cardiogram ang gawin pala sa akin, walang makikita or walang madadiagnose. Because what I have were mental health issues that needed professional help.

For a month, I was shameless. It was all about Me, Myself and I. Something that I haven’t done for a long time. I practically did nothing at home. No meetings, no emails. I was lazy. One of the meds would give me insomnia (12MN and still awake), while the other one would render me drowsy and knocked out most of the time but at least I was able to sleep and wake up kung kelan at kung anong oras ko gusto. I still went on with my cardio workouts (thank you BTS and Sunny Funny Fitness). I started to watch and appreciate K-drama (late bloomer, hindi ako talaga nanunuod before), falling in love with Song Joong Ki and Lee Jong Suk. Although I have been cleared to report back to work, I am still under medication and I still have anxiety attacks, sometimes 2-3 days in a row. It just happens, you know, hindi mo alam biglang andyan na. But I have already recognized the symptoms, and nakukuha ko na siyang i-manage minsan, unlike before na hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa akin which scared me a lot. I felt guilty at first for this, thinking only of myself, focusing only on my needs. But my doctor said, I neglected myself in the past. “Napabayaan mo kaya ka nagkaganyan.” Mental health is just as important as physical health.  And self-care is not being selfish.

Self-care is not selfish.

It is the best way for you to make sure that you are in your best state.

This is YOU taking care of YOU.

Do not feel guilty for putting yourself first.

You need to nourish yourself so you can give all of yourself, not what is left of you.

Make yourself a priority — today and every day.

You deserve it. (https://www.facebook.com/recoveryhubph/)

People have also reached out to me, showed their support and shared their stories as well. Thank you, you know who you are. And I appreciate the kind thoughts and words. The inspiring messages and warm wishes. I was reminded that I am not alone, and I should not be afraid. Na kaya ko ito. And that I am still needed. And loved. I am glad I found out before it was too late. My doctor is the best. I love her. (See my before and after photos. For privacy/confidentiality, I covered her face). Thank you also to my understanding bosses and colleagues, and to my supportive family, loved ones and friends. Yes, some people may not readily understand. The social stigma attached to mental health is still present. Sasabihin ang arte mo lang. Or baliw ka naman yata talaga, pinapaganda mo lang ang tawag. “Anxiety.” “Depression.” “Mental health.”

Eto na naman ako sa mga adventures ko.  The journey is not yet over. Far from it. But I will stop when my mind and body want to stop. I will listen to what I feel. I won’t push myself too hard. While I will still do my best, kung hindi ko matapos or magawa, then so be it. If I don't get appreciated and recognized, then so be it. As long as I know in my heart that I am good and that I did well. I will not forget to have self-care moments, buti na lang patient and indulging naman ang family and household ko with me. Kahit niloloko ako lagi ng son ko na ang dami ko naman daw illnesses LOL I hope mabigay ko pa rin ang best ko in everything I do, and sana hindi mawala ang tiwala sa akin. I just pray for more patience and understanding. Please be kind and gentle 😊

Kamsahamnida 🤞  😊

After

Before

B(r)e(a)st Wishes Part 4

And so in my last blog, I wrote that I was diagnosed with DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ). According to cancer.org, when you have DCIS, it means the cells that line the milk ducts of the breast have become cancer, but they have not spread into surrounding breast tissue. DCIS is considered non-invasive or pre-invasive breast cancer. If in stages, they call it Stage 0. But when you have a word like “carcinoma”, it doesn’t sound good right? 😔

The good thing, however, which I am grateful for are the words “clear surgical margins” in my results. A clear, negative, or clean margin means there are no cancer cells at the outer edge of tissue that was removed.

So further tests were requested, which were called ER, PR, HER 2 NEU. My specimen was brought to the Ospital ng Muntinlupa and I had to wait for 2 weeks. When the results came back (many thanks to Joie, MCM’s kind histopath medtech. This time, the name is real 😉), my surgeon asked me to come right away.

Hormone receptor studies such as ER, PR, and HER2 NEU are routinely done in breast carcinoma. You can actually Google what these tests do, but for the benefit of ordinary folks like us, my doctor just wanted to know (and the tests would tell us) what treatment would be right for me, so that the cancer cells would not aggressively grow and progress to Stage 1.

All three (ER, PR, HER2 NEU) tested positive. Dra. Kat told me that I will be placed under hormone therapy. But I need to have an ultrasound for clearance first. She sent a TVS request. This is to ensure that my uterus (and everything down there, as a pre-menopausal woman) is clear before starting the treatment. 

Except for an endometriotic cyst in my right ovary, I was good to go. I asked Dr. Reyes, the OB-GYN-sonologist (from Westlake Medical Center, IKR I have been busy hospital-hopping) about it, and she said that it’s small and my surgeon will probably refer me to an OB-GYN. I guess she was too professional to tell me I can go to her for consultation. “Monitor lang,” she said. Just one look at it and she asked if I am having dysmenorrhea, and I said yes. So the cyst is the culprit for my painful periods.

So that was a Thursday. On Saturday, I saw Dra. Kat and she prescribed Tamoxifen, to be taken once a day, for 5 years. Yes, you heard it right, 5 years. I am trapped. Both doctors asked me if my periods were regular, and I confirmed. They told me the same thing: that I will miss my periods once I start. This apparently causes forced menopause to pre-menopausal women.

According to breastcancer.org, Tamoxifen is the oldest and most-prescribed selective estrogen receptor  modulator (SERM). It is given to those who are diagnosed with hormone-receptor-positive, early-stage breast cancer after surgery (or possibly chemotherapy and radiation) to reduce the risk of the cancer coming back (recurring), or to reduce breast cancer risk in women who haven't been diagnosed but are at higher-than-average risk for the disease.

Tamoxifen attaches to the hormone receptors in the cancer cell, blocking estrogen from attaching to the receptors. This slows or stops the growth of the tumor by preventing the cancer cells from getting the hormones they need to grow.

It can cause other serious side effects like blood clots, stroke, and endometrial cancer. I may feel the following, too: hot flushes, hair thinning, mood swings, nausea, fatigue, depression, headache, and so on. And oh my God, weight gain. I hate this. After more than a week of taking Nolvadex (Php32/pc), yes, I do notice how easily tired I become, how sometimes I don’t feel good, no appetite, masama pakiramdam. 😩

Dra. Kat reminded me to have regular blood tests to monitor my cholesterol levels, 2D echo, aside from ECG. And I also have to have my annual mammogram and breast ultrasound every 6 months. Sounds a lot, right? (On top of my annual visit to my endocrinologist.)

And I have to visit my OB-GYN. Which I did the following Saturday. Oh yes, another hospital, this time, Family Care Hospital (where I gave birth to my two damulags). Dra. Antonil gave me the clearance, and at the same time, telling me we won’t be doing anything (yet) to the cyst. But I have to see her for my annual pap smear. I have to take Calcium, too. In this same consultation that she was amazed at how cheerful I was, nakakapagjoke pa. Because she knew people who experienced the same and got depressed.

Although both she and Dra. Kat confirmed that I can still take my usual vitamins (C and E), I’ve read in recent studies that somehow, these two reduce the effectiveness of Tamoxifen. I have been so dependent on these vitamins for a long time, of course with Vit C to help us strengthen our body’s natural defenses, and Vit E for my skin. Kaya po ako maganda sa picture 😆 I think I will consult them again regarding this. And also pineapple juice. Eh di ba nga, for the heart. Ano ba talaga, kuya. Oh, lordy. So many bawals. Including beer huhuhu 😓

So there...this is Part 4 of my journey. And thank you for giving me the opportunity to share it with you. Again, it’s not yet over and I’ve just started a new chapter in my life. Thank you, Lord for looking over me and sending angels my way. I am thankful to my family and loved ones for the support; to my friends and prayer warriors; and those who shared with me their own stories. Salamat po sa inyo. Let us stay strong and prayerful. And never lose hope. Take care, everyone. God bless us all.

#talesofthegoodgirl

B(r)e(a)st Wishes Part 3

And so eto na nga, after two weeks of waiting (hindi ka makatulog, lagi mo iniisip kung malapit ka na mamatay, yes ganun ka-morbid. Lord, kailangan pa po ako ng mga anak ko 😭😭😭) and calling and exchanging texts and PMs with my doctor and with the histopath nurse, I got their separate messages that the results are in. Mainit-init pa...

Final diagnosis: ductal carcinoma in situ, moderate grade. Hindi cancer but it can be, it can progress to that. Kaya continue ang monitoring. What I am thankful for is buti naalis ng buo. Buti naagapan. Hindi pa kumalat. What if, hindi ko pinapansin yung advice na magpacheck ako. It could have been worse. Our decision to choose surgery was indeed correct. Follow up ultrasound after 3 months (na tumawad pa ko. Doc, sabi ko, pwede po ba January na lang? Na-max out ko na po kasi ang outpatient benefit ko. Pumayag naman). But wait, there's more: may additional test on the specimen to check if it will react to the meds, if yes, ayun bibigyan ako ng meds, parang hormone therapy daw. As Doc Bing said, let's do what we have to do, whether I can reimburse it pa or not. Another two weeks of waiting. But at least now, I can say, it's not cancer. At hindi pa ko madededz (read: masamang damo LOL) ☠☠☠

A few takeaways:

Don't take APEs and results/recommendations for granted. While our bodies don't lie, may sasakit at sasakit later on (lalo na sa mga ehem 40s na gaya ko), minsan, traydor din eh. Hindi mo alam na meron na palang something kasi hindi mo naman nakakapa or napapansin, you feel ok, walang masakit. 😷😷😷

If you are postponing surgical procedures or any medical ek ek, kasi feeling mo mahirap isingit sa trabaho, eh mali tayo. Hindi mauubos ang trabaho, pero ang panahon, oo. Don't feel like hihinto ang pagikot ng mundo kasi wala ka. Your team mates will understand. If you have the means, the resources, the support, unahin mo ang health (with emphasis on the means, resources - kasi baka ma-offend yung iba, sabihin porke ikaw narereimburse mo). I realized that you cannot do your job well kung may health problem ka or health concerns. Araw-araw, may iniisip ka, may iniinda ka. Pano mo haharapin ang projects mo nang maayos? Hindi masama ang self-care. True, natambakan ako after 2 weeks, and ang hirap mag-bounce back, para kong disoriented. Di ko alam where to start. Pero at least, na-X mo na siya sa To Do list mo. And yung walang kapalit na peace of mind. Bawi na lang 👩‍⚕️👩‍⚕️👩‍⚕️

I am blessed to have a support system. I have my loving family and friends, and colleagues na parang mga kapatid ko na rin. Yung prayers, yung concern. Ramdam mo eh. Nakakahiya actually magkwento ng mga health problems, minsan hindi ka comfortable, or yung kausap mo may not be comfortable. Lalo na kung gender-specific yung condition. But some things need to be shared, some tales have to be told. Hindi mo pwedeng i-contain sa sarili mo. Blessed to have my siblings. And a few close friends. Get help, if you must. Gaya ng kumare ko, Mareng Dra. Joy, special shout-out sa iyo. Love you, bagets. You are a proof na totoo ang statement na "I am just a message away" at hindi fake news. Doktora ng Bayan na always very generous and accommodating. Sa kanya ako actually nag-trust. Whenever she gives me medical advice, sinusunod ko talaga. Ng buong family even. Sabi ko, if Joy told me, Pam wag ka magpa-surgery, wag muna. Magpa-2nd opinion ka. Susundin ko sya talaga. That's what happened nun sa thyroid concerns ko. She also referred me to my endocrinologist whom I have been seeing for 4 years now. Ganyan ako ka-clingy LOL 🤗🤗🤗

Lastly, naramdaman ko ang bunga ng pagtratrabaho nang mahusay. Yung alam mo na may malasakit sa iyo. Na kahit minsan, gumagapang na ko sa pagpasok (ang OA, wfh nga eh), my Company loves me back. The feeling is mutual. Kung pano ko siya mahal, ganun din nya ko kamahal. I love you, InLife. 💙🧡 #ALifetimeForGood

So...this is all for now. Thank you for dropping by. My story is not yet The End. But I have to move on...Life goes on...and the Lord is watching over us. Kahit minsan, hindi natin deserved. 🙏🙏🙏

~talesofthegoodgirl

B(r)e(a)st Wishes Part 2

Part 2

Rewind to 2019

After our annual physical exam (kaya nga ba lagi ko ako kinakabahan pag may ganito eh) last March 2019, the recommendations included a regular mammogram and ultrasound as the doctor felt something on my left breast. I had both M&U in April and naalala ko pa, I asked permission to go on leave para dito (Holy Wednesday yun, half day na lang ang mga clinics) pero I was not allowed kasi may meeting daw kami 😭😭😭 

Although I got a benign finding, the reports said to have an annual mammogram and 6 months short interval follow-up ultrasound. Masunurin naman ako, so October, I had them again, with ganun uli, 6 months short interval follow-up.

If not for the pandemic this year, I would have had my follow up last April. Dahil masunurin nga, as soon as nalift yung ECQ, I asked for a request from Doc Bing, our company doctor para makapunta na ko uli sa Hi-P. So, ayun, 3rd trip na last Sept 8. And the 3rd time's not a charm. 😔😔😔

I got a BIRADS Category 4A finding, low suspicion for malignancy. Meron daw "ill-defined hypodensity" sa left breast ko. Thing is, hindi yun yung minomonitor for the past year, iba pa. Yung una kasi, sa inner quadrant. Now, while still sa left, nasa other side. And super sakit po ng ultrasound. Yung mammo, surprisingly, hindi eh. 

Upon Doc Bing's advice, I tried to check out popular breast surgeons but I didn't know where to start. Parang lost ako and I was worried na mahirap makahanap ng slot or makakuha ng appointment. I consulted my ever reliable kumare, who referred me to a colleague in Medical Center Muntinlupa (MCM). So ayun, I was told the mass (palpable and painful na ever since the ultrasound, ikaw ba naman diinan nang diinan) should either be biopsied or removed. Although 80% naman daw ng ganitong cases are benign. 🙏🙏🙏

Of course, the mere thought of undergoing surgery, hindi madali i-process, yung anxiety, yung sleepless nights...but at the same time, you have to decide agad. I opted for it over biopsy because I was assured that only the mass will be removed. Unlike my predicament 4 years ago (na buti na lang nagpabiopsy lang ako because it turned out removing my thyroids was unnecessary). Tapos ang dami pa protocols ngayon. Ang hirap magpa-hospital. And ang dami kong trabaho! Sabi ko kay Lord, magbibirthday po muna ko ha. Makapagcelebrate po muna...

Fast forward, nagpaschedule na ko last Sept 26, a Saturday but was moved to Sept 28 due to the anesthesiologist's availability (later ko na lang nadiscover na popular pala siya!). Shout-out po to our HR and corporate accounts, aside from Doc Bing, who were very helpful and patient and accommodating. Salamat po sa inyo. Had to complete the required tests, including swab test, at least a week before. Kaya po nung birthday ko, nasa hospital ako for the first part of the day. Torture din yung paghintay ng results. Pano kung positive, pano kung may problem sa ECG or xray or blood test. Tanong, masakit ba yung swab test. By the time na naramdaman ko yung sundot sa ilong, at muntik ko na masipa yung nurse, eh tapos na pala LOL 😆😆😆

On our way to the hospital para magpa-admit, clutching my rosary, bigla ako napaisip. Tama ba na hindi na ko nagconsult sa ibang doctors? Yung mga what-ifs ko, biglang nagsulputan. Pero andyan na eh. Kasabay ko sa ER was a guy na nadulas sa workplace kaya hinatid ng kasamahan, bloodied :( waaahhhhhh 😰😰😰

So yun na nga. Nung inaalis na yung IV nung umaga, except dun sa pinapasukan ng antibiotics, yahoooo medyo ok na ko, wala nang hawak na sabitan pag magC-CR, excited na ko to go home. I was discharged Sept 29, na wala ni piso akong binayad sa MCM. Sabi ko naku, mukhang may excess ako nito, seeing my bill. Nagulat din ako na ganun pala kamahal. Itataya ko na 13th month ko na pambayad.  Later on, I was informed that InLife covered everything. This too merits a special shout out. Salamat, InLife. I was so touched and was moved to tears when I got the text. May reimbursement pa ko, oh my God.

So ang tawag po ay partial mastectomy. Partial lang po, at 'intact" pa. Thank you to my surgeon, anesthesiologist and nurses for taking care of me. While on leave, naging therapy ko si Add to Cart  and I was able to spend time with my kids. The bliss of waking up na walang alarm  Pero masakit po sya, sa totoo lang. As mentioned, malalim po ang naiwan. Sa gabi, hindi po ako nakakatulog sa paghanap ng tamang pwesto because I couldn't sleep either on my left or right side...and it's painful when it's cold or raining. Thus, the pain relievers. I have a high tolerance for pain, pero sabi po ng doctor ko, wag ko tiisin. Plus I had to wear the elastic bandage over the dressing for a week, inaalis lang pag maliligo.

Yung follow up check-up ko a week after, nun lang inalis yung dressing, so first time ko nakita ang 'bikini cut' ko sa dibdib. Ampanget po, pramis. Depressing :( 😔😔😔

The histopath report took a long while. I was already "back-to-work" when my doctor got it last Oct 12. Kaya hindi po ako makapagkwento agad, I was waiting for the findings. Kaya apologies po sa mga nagtatanong kung ano ang nangyari at hindi ko po kayo masagot. And another thing, medyo nakakahiya din po di ba. Medyo personal and sensitive…And my story has no ending yet. Yung pabalik-balik ka sa hospital, kabisado mo na yung health declaration form, ulit ulit ang rosary mo, tapos yung kasabay ko na naman sa OPD triage, nakalulon ng bubog. What?!! Lord, why me :( 😨😨😨

Diagnosis: fibrocystic change with focal atypical intraductal hyperplasia. Paki-Google na lang please 😆😆😆 But wait there's more. An immunohistochemical staining test with CK5 was requested to rule out malignancy. Dun tayo sa word na "atypical", yun ang dahilan why balik na naman ako sa lab last Oct 16 to submit the request and payment. And eto na naman ang matagal na hintayan...To be continued...

B(r)e(a)st Wishes Part 1

SEPT. 28, 2020. Exactly a month ago, I was picked up from my room at 930am (after being prepped by my nurse "Ariane." Of course, her name isn't Ariane but she reminded me of an officemate) and was wheeled into the operating room for my 10am surgery. 🏩

I waited, slept on and off, comforted by the presence of the kind OR nurse whom I named “Kate” on my mind as she also reminded me of another officemate, until the doctors arrived an hour and a half later. My anesthesiologist asked me jokingly, ano pong naramdaman ninyo nung nagnegative kayo sa swab test? Para po ba kayong nanalo sa lotto? 😁😁😁

The last words I heard were, Matutulog na po kayo. 😴😴😴

I am not sure if 'Kate' woke me up or if I did so myself, but she said ibabalik na ko sa room. I asked for the time (malabo mata, walang contacts so I couldn't see kung anong oras na sa wall clock). One-thirty po, she said. The procedure lasted for an hour and I was dead to the world for another. 💤💤💤

Once back in the room, I peeped inside my hospital gown and saw that I was wearing a binder wrapped around my chest. My surgeon called on me after a while, saying I could eat already and that she will have me discharged the following day. Our initial agreement was I could go home that same day. But she advised me to rest for another night, as the cavity was deep and that if ever it hurts so bad, at least I have nurses to attend to me. On and off I slept, checking my phone for messages, telling my loved ones that I made it and that I'll be home Tuesday instead. i thought nareplyan ko na yung iba, only to discover that I fell asleep and hindi pa pala 😁😁😁 I asked for mushroom soup from McDo (even though I can have solids already), as I wanted something warm. It was hard to move around with the IV, but you just have to get by...to be continued...