The Journey Within

 “The only journey is the one within.”

You won’t know until it hits you. The things you used to say easily and casually, “Depressed ako”, “Kaka-depress”… but when it’s actual and real, it’s life-changing.

Everyone has his own story to tell. And this is mine.

When I had those frequent elevated blood pressure, chest pains and difficulty in breathing, the first thought was it could be my heart. Syempre pag puso, wala nang kesyo-kesyo. Pacheck up agad di ba. Lalo na at my age. I was asked to have blood chemistry tests, ECG and 2D Echo, among others. Na hihimatayin ka lalo sa mahal LOL Mamamatay na ba ko. Ganun ba atake sa puso? Kung ano-ano na naisip ko. My BP was being monitored 2x a day. Although there were findings, and my heart is no longer normal (impaired relaxation, Grade 1 diastolic dysfunction), my cardiologist said this could still be addressed by diet and exercise, hydration, lifestyle change. He would ask me to describe my “episodes”. I felt he could not find what was wrong with me. But I kept on coming back to him. He said I might have non-cardiac chest pain (baka hindi sa puso yung cause ng pain) and suggested that it might be post-surgical (so I should see my surgeon) or may be due to anxiety or stress.

To cut the long story short, I was referred by our company physician (thank you, as always Doc Bing) to a psychiatrist (Recovery Hub by Metro Psychiatry Inc). And true enough, I was found to be suffering from burnout, aggravated by the pandemic and the almost 24/7 work-from-home set-up. I was clinically diagnosed with anxiety and major depressive disorder. I realized that all the time I thought I was going to die, I was having anxiety attacks. My episodes were real, and not just imagined or invented. I was always tired, drained, disengaged, unmotivated. I was starting to hate my job, feeling empty and less capable, doubting myself and my capabilities. Na parang kulang ang oras. Na parang hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa gawin yung mga pinapagawa sa akin. I felt insecure and napagiwanan ng panahon. Nagpapanic ako every time I think of my To Do’s. I would wake up every night just to think of my tasks. I dreaded turning on my laptop and attending virtual meetings. Para akong naka-autopilot mode, lumilipad ang isip, walang focus or conscious thought as I went on with my daily meetings and tasks. Ang hirap huminga. Lagi ako ninenerbyos. Sh*t, I thought, ganito ba mag-e-end ang career ko? And again...why me? Ako na naman po? Ako pa, who is generally a cheerful person? At wala akong inuurungan na trabaho. 

All my pains, disappointments, fears, failures, frustrations, anger, hurt and hard feelings were unearthed by my doctor. I was crying during our first session. I will not divulge such of course, as they are too personal and private but it felt good to open up to someone who understands what you are going through. And does not judge you. I am not crazy. And I am not making things up. They are real. My struggles are valid. And kahit anong ultrasound or blood test or -cardiogram ang gawin pala sa akin, walang makikita or walang madadiagnose. Because what I have were mental health issues that needed professional help.

For a month, I was shameless. It was all about Me, Myself and I. Something that I haven’t done for a long time. I practically did nothing at home. No meetings, no emails. I was lazy. One of the meds would give me insomnia (12MN and still awake), while the other one would render me drowsy and knocked out most of the time but at least I was able to sleep and wake up kung kelan at kung anong oras ko gusto. I still went on with my cardio workouts (thank you BTS and Sunny Funny Fitness). I started to watch and appreciate K-drama (late bloomer, hindi ako talaga nanunuod before), falling in love with Song Joong Ki and Lee Jong Suk. Although I have been cleared to report back to work, I am still under medication and I still have anxiety attacks, sometimes 2-3 days in a row. It just happens, you know, hindi mo alam biglang andyan na. But I have already recognized the symptoms, and nakukuha ko na siyang i-manage minsan, unlike before na hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa akin which scared me a lot. I felt guilty at first for this, thinking only of myself, focusing only on my needs. But my doctor said, I neglected myself in the past. “Napabayaan mo kaya ka nagkaganyan.” Mental health is just as important as physical health.  And self-care is not being selfish.

Self-care is not selfish.

It is the best way for you to make sure that you are in your best state.

This is YOU taking care of YOU.

Do not feel guilty for putting yourself first.

You need to nourish yourself so you can give all of yourself, not what is left of you.

Make yourself a priority — today and every day.

You deserve it. (https://www.facebook.com/recoveryhubph/)

People have also reached out to me, showed their support and shared their stories as well. Thank you, you know who you are. And I appreciate the kind thoughts and words. The inspiring messages and warm wishes. I was reminded that I am not alone, and I should not be afraid. Na kaya ko ito. And that I am still needed. And loved. I am glad I found out before it was too late. My doctor is the best. I love her. (See my before and after photos. For privacy/confidentiality, I covered her face). Thank you also to my understanding bosses and colleagues, and to my supportive family, loved ones and friends. Yes, some people may not readily understand. The social stigma attached to mental health is still present. Sasabihin ang arte mo lang. Or baliw ka naman yata talaga, pinapaganda mo lang ang tawag. “Anxiety.” “Depression.” “Mental health.”

Eto na naman ako sa mga adventures ko.  The journey is not yet over. Far from it. But I will stop when my mind and body want to stop. I will listen to what I feel. I won’t push myself too hard. While I will still do my best, kung hindi ko matapos or magawa, then so be it. If I don't get appreciated and recognized, then so be it. As long as I know in my heart that I am good and that I did well. I will not forget to have self-care moments, buti na lang patient and indulging naman ang family and household ko with me. Kahit niloloko ako lagi ng son ko na ang dami ko naman daw illnesses LOL I hope mabigay ko pa rin ang best ko in everything I do, and sana hindi mawala ang tiwala sa akin. I just pray for more patience and understanding. Please be kind and gentle 😊

Kamsahamnida 🤞  😊

After

Before