And suddenly August is leaving...Akala ko matatapos ang August na wala akong 'episode.' Ganda pa naman ng report ko sa psychiatrist ko kaya mataas ang grade ko haha I spoke too soon.
This morning, I had my usual anxiety attack. Which left me weak pero nilalabanan ko as I had a number of meetings na di pwedeng lelembot-lembot. Must be triggered by this Delta variant, the increasing cases and deaths...the uncertainties...na akala natin mababawasan na with the vaccine and all. Imagine if this variant came out earlier na wala pang nababakunahan, wiped out ang mundo 😓😓😓 How I long for the old times...when we were all free 😓😓😓
While I was told to stop taking my meds for anxiety/panic attacks, naka-anti depressant pa rin ako. This pandemic is not helping at all. Minsan, maiiyak ka na lang, hindi mo alam kung bakit. Or konting kibot makes you cry. You don't know if you're sad, or upset, or scared, basta hindi mo alam kung ano ung emptiness inside. Kung bakit. Kung saan galing...minsan gusto mo na lang lumutang, maging hotdog sa ref, tumulala, walang gawin, yung walang nararamdaman. Just last Sunday, I was so happy to visit and see my daughter and my sister...sige tawa. Pag-uwi namin, biglang iyak amft ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Arte lang. Kami rin naman depressed. Kami rin naman nalulungkot. Pare-pareho lang tayo. Iba-ibang degrees lang. Kanya-kanya lang tayong problema at pagdadala nito. I won't argue with that. We all have our moments, our crosses to carry, and your feelings and opinion are valid. I won't invalidate that. But please don't invalidate ours. We are clinically diagnosed. Depression or major depressive disorder is a serious mental health condition, hindi lang sya basta lungkot or basta "feeling low or down" which we experience from time to time, na may identified causes (e.g. your pet died, you broke up with your partner, pinagalitan ka ng parents mo, you failed in a subject or you got low grades). Eto, hindi mo alam kung ano yung umaatake sa iyo that sometimes interferes with your work or studies, or your normal activities. Hopelessness, despair, loss of interest in life or interacting with others. Mild to severe. Madalas, I feel disengaged. Ayaw ko ng may kausap. Gusto ko lang mag-isa.
Remember some celebrities who looked or appeared ok / normal just before their suicide, after years of struggling with depression and anxiety? Yung parang wala namang problema. Totoo yun. Ganun kami. And yes, maiisip mo yung pag-end ng lahat. Not that I want to do it ha. But it crosses your mind pala talaga. Not because you just want to escape from problems, or realities of life. Not because you are selfish. Or weak. Not because you are not God-fearing or prayerful enough. Hindi eh. It just can't be explained. It just happens. Depression sucks. Sabi ko nga sa doctor ko, sometimes people will not understand. Para kang luka-luka...tatawa, iiyak. 🙄🙄🙄 yes, sh*t like this happens - even to the best, the smartest, the richest...
Kaya please po, please be kind to everyone, to anyone. Because we don't know what they are going through. Be more patient. Be more understanding. Reach out to someone. Let them know you care. Let them know they are loved and needed. That they are good, and that there's still a lot of good in this world.
God bless us all #talesofthegoodgirl
References: Chester Bennington https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/chester-benningtons-last-days-linkin-park-singers-mix-of-hope-heaviness-124862/
Anthony Bourdain: https://allthatsinteresting.com/anthony-bourdain-death
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