What is the sound of a heart breaking?

“Do you know what hurts the most about a broken heart? 
Not being able to remember how you felt before. Try and keep that feeling, because if it goes, you’ll never get it back.”
-Skins

It has been so long since I experienced pain (not the physical kind). For the past years, I have been, well almost, a Dauntless. Nothing tears me apart anymore. I have almost forgotten what it’s like to be hurt, be afraid, be uncertain, or to even feel thrill, jealousy or longing or misery. Stoic, you may say.

Yet, a recent setback has made me feel that certain kind of pain again, one that’s so sudden and unexpected, it caught me off-guard that I felt helpless and stupid. If you saw me on the street, you would have seen a zombie walking aimlessly; and looking carefully, you would have found one lonely (but lovely nonetheless) lady (with a fabulous bag). My tears are usually reserved for sad crazy movies, and nothing else could make me cry anymore. But it did make me cry, once, twice, thrice - I lost count. And you could almost hear my heart break each time. And I hate that sound.

But as my former boss/mentor would say, “You can only sulk for a while. After that, you move on.” I was entitled to that grieving, moping moment. But I cannot let that one failure rule my life and win over me. Things will never be the same. I will never be the same. But I promised myself I will never go through it again. I can never allow myself to feel that indescribable pain again. My heart can only take so much. Maybe, in time, it will just be a memory (lost in time, like tears in rain) and I will laugh over it.

Thanks, Ma'am Myrna. Your advice still works up to now.
And, just like having a bad dream, kumagat daw sa kahoy pagkagising. 
Or throw some cold water outside your window.

In the meantime, can I have my appetite back?

~TheGoodGirl