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Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Morning After (PUSH and “at leasts”)

When I went to bed the night of July 15, despite DOST PAGASA’s warning, little did we know what would actually hit us.

Heavy rains and strong winds which brought about power fluctuations woke me up around 130am of July 16 (same date of the killer earthquake in 1990). I was scared that our roof would get blown away as the winds grew stronger and stronger. I kept on praying that I think I have called on all the saints in the world. 

I checked the kitchen and the dining room once more (as they are the most vulnerable areas in our house when it rains) and just stayed awake. Our wireless router is still on, and my mobile is still on 3G. Then around 4am, the power died. Same with my Globe signal. I got up to fill the bathroom pails with water as water supply is the first to go when power fails.

As usual, my restlessness roused Caehl and there we were, hugging each other, with his tiny stuffed monkey Avi, between us. “Mommy, protect me. Please pray,” he kept on saying.

Since I was not able to sleep at all, it was shortly before 9am when I finally came out of the room. Our front door was still locked, and all the windows were shut. It was still raining a bit. Come 1030am, it stopped, and the winds were dwindling.

I stepped out in our terrace. It was a messy lot. My laundry area was a disaster. I felt sorry for the fishes, as they have no oxygen, they were in a huddle in one corner of the aquarium. And what do you know, a wedding was going on in our parish. They probably decided it was too late to cancel it. Network signal was still out but I managed to receive a few SMS from my sister-in-law, friends and officemates. Checking out our street, we found a broken lamp post, with the lamp hanging on by a thread; broken branches and a fallen Max’s sign on Tita Helen’s store. 


 

Broken lamp post






 Bye Ninong Max!







   Poor fishy-fishy


Vehicles (owned by people attending the wedding) were parked in front of my house, a Suzuki APV blocking our driveway. A man, who lives on the next street, was shouting at the driver. 

“Hindi naman yata yan lalabas (referring to us / our car), i-parada mo na diyan.” 

The driver saw me watching them, “Hindi ba kayo lalabas?” he repeated. 

“Sabi mo eh,“ I replied, showing my annoyance. “Assuming ka.”

My point was, whether we were going out or not, you don’t just block someone else's driveway, right? The parking lot beside the church was big enough anyway.

After lunch (Question: What is it with rains that makes people hungry? My mag-aama ate heartily), I was again sleepy. Question 2: What is it with rains that makes people sleepy? I woke up around 3pm. Since it was already clear, I asked Caehl if he wanted to buy some stuff from the supermarket. Actually, all I wanted was to buy another box of champorado, as there was only one pack left in the cupboard. We had enough food and supplies anyway, it was just an excuse to get out of the house. Cabin fever. "To escape boredom," as Caehl put it.

In Pacita Complex, Caehl was counting fallen trees and store signs, shaking his head and hating all of it. In Shopwise, it was hot and the skeletal force was not enough for the shoppers. Again, despite the warnings from PAGASA, it seems everyone was not prepared, buying the storm essentials only on that afternoon, after Glenda happened.

While in line, Caehl almost had a tantrum attack (but mainly because he was hungry and he didn't know it).

The lady in front of us said something to her companion. Caehl turned to me and said, “Did you hear that, Mommy? She has no signal.”

He asked Alex, “How about you, Daddy? Do you have a signal?” When his dad said no, he was distraught. “What’s the percentage? As in 0 percent?”

“Mommy, it’s an awful day,” he said, starting to cry. I hugged and kissed him and assured him that everything will be all right. We just have to wait for power to be restored, I told him.

Then he said, “But at least, there are “at leasts” in what happened, Mommy.”

“What do you mean?" I asked.

“At least, we’re together, we’re safe, we have food, we have money to buy things, and we have our car back,” he enumerated. I guess this is his own version of counting blessings during a bad situation. “Just PUSH. Pray until something happens.“

The wisdom of a child indeed.

“How about you, Mommy? What are your at leasts?”

“Same as yours," I said, adding that at least, a tree didn't fall on our house, our roof was intact, there’s enough water supply. But - our laundry area was a disaster, I repeated my observation to him.

“Don’t say that,” he said.

“Say what?” I asked.

“Disaster," he replied. “Just PUSH.”

“You’re a changed boy,” Alex and I told him, ruffling his hair and admiring him.

Twilight. A view from our terrace

We shared champorado and dilis in the terrace as we all decided to dine al fresco for a change. Still with no electricity, our boy entertained us and our guests (Inna and Manang) with his funny stories and antics, and learned a card game.

When it was time to call it a day, Caehl, nudging closer to me, whispered, “Mommy, it was fun.”

“No longer awful?” I asked.

“Because we’re together and safe,” he said.

Remember, #JustPUSH.

~TheGoodGirl

Thursday, July 3, 2014

April 3

I just read an online article which reminded spouses that when things get rough, you just have to go back to the day you first fell in love with your partner, or think of the things why you chose him among the rest. And why you are holding on to that decision.


Twenty two years is a long time. Alex and I have gone through A LOT. We've had tough and reckless years in the past but we have forgiven each other, made our peace and re-created our life together. Good thing that I keep journals and writings about our relationship, especially when it’s our anniversary (we don’t celebrate our civil or church wedding anniversary, but the day when we became a couple which was on April 3, 1992 - and today is our monthsarry, thus this blog). Writing about us each year gives me a reason and an opportunity to look back and reflect on what has become of us. Whenever I feel sad, I just re-read my blog entries to remind me of why, when and how I fell in love with him. This way, I would focus on the positive, on the ups and the highs, on the joys and thrills.

He and I don’t fight anymore, and there are things that we have given up and have not been doing.  There are things we both love, yet we still have our own interests, passions, addictions. There are things we do together, and there are things we don’t have to do together.  I can be by myself or be with friends. And he can be by himself, or be with his friends. We’re steady, we’re calm, we’re cool. We don’t have to talk a lot, sometimes we just send body signals. Most of the time, we don’t even have to say anything at all. We just understand each other. He has chosen me and I, him. And that's it.

Whenever someone asks me why I don’t drive (anymore), I just say it’s because of my poor eyesight (even if I wear contacts) and I find it hard to drive when it’s dark or raining. Sometimes I say it’s because I don’t need to, I have Alex anyway. And whenever the issue of having or maintaining two cars comes up, I just say it’s expensive. We've tried that before. But the truth is (and until now, I haven't confessed or said this thing, except for 2 persons), I want to need my husband. I need to need him. There was a time when we each had a car, and we lived our lives separately. He had his friends and gimmicks, and I had mine. Our marriage and relationship suffered that I don’t want it to happen again. I don't want to experience again the time when I didn't need him. Driving is the only thing I cannot (or won't) do now – the rest, I can. And if I can do that one thing, I wouldn't need him anymore. I need my husband in my life. I hope you’re catching my drift J

In my last blog, I wrote that “Sometimes, some of the truest things are not seen, shown or said.” Maybe I haven’t been showing or telling my husband that I love him, or maybe you don’t see that. But the truth is out there – he will always be my one true love.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Sometimes, some of the truest things are not seen, shown or said…

Last week, a boss-friend, during an elevator ride, out of the blue asked me, “Malungkot ka pa rin?” 
I (who always have a quick retort to almost everything) was not able to answer him. 
Puzzled, I tweeted about it, and he replied, to my surprise, “Because you don’t look happy.”




Just the other day, my nanny, while we were in the supermarket, told me that my daughter asked her, “Ate, bakit parang palaging malungkot si Mommy?” 
And she said she told Cae, “Pano namang di malulungkot mommy mo, tingnan mo nangyari sa kotse ninyo, tapos yung lola mo…” she went on, citing some “domestic state of affairs.”

Funny, but my son also asked me the same question one night.
“Mommy?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you sad?”

Am I sad? Why am I sad? Why do people think I’m sad?

I don’t know who said or who wrote it, but “The way sadness works is one of the strangest riddles of the world.”


For one, you simply cannot have everything. That’s why when a door closes, you count the windows that are left open or windows that will be opened. You focus on the ups and the highs. Like the joys brought about by my children. My siblings. Friends who love me and enjoy my company. My writings. My job (but not my career). My greatest addictions. The consistent inconsistencies I used to hate. You don’t dwell on the pain, you just have to accept that there are “dreams that cannot be.” But yes, you are entitled to some “feels” moments. I was, and I am entitled to be sad. Perhaps, those unguarded “feels” moments are what people or friends see, and I’m sorry for that.

Maybe I’m sad because I have been too busy making people happy. A paradox, right? I have always been one who takes into account the happiness of the people I love and people who matter to me, before my own. And more often than not, I forget mine. Because for me, sometimes my feelings don’t matter, my feelings are not important - no matter how valid they are. And they can always take the backseat - if it means the other party is happy / is ok. Even if it means I am hurt or I'll get hurt or I'm not ok.

Maybe I look sad because people expect me to be happy most of the times. Was it Confucius or Paulo Coelho who said that the funniest people are the saddest ones?

Or maybe it’s a feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause. Or without an explanation. In Tumblr, young people call it hyprophenia (but in Psychology, it means mental retardation).

“There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept,
Things we don’t want to know but have to learn,
And people we can’t live without but have to let go.”


And life goes on.

And on.

~TheGoodGirl

Thursday, June 26, 2014

500 Days of Summer


Look, we don't have to put a label on it.



That's fine. I get it. But, you know, I just... I need some consistency.


I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning


and feel differently.



(500) Days of Summer (2009)
An offbeat romantic comedy about a woman who doesn't believe true love exists, and the young man who falls for her.
Director: Marc Webb
Writers: Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber
Stars: Zooey Deschanel, Joseph Gordon-Levitt



~TheGoodGirl

Friday, June 20, 2014

Words from TheGoodGirl

Dear John

Re-reading your last note
It didn’t have a hint
Of your leaving
Maybe I read it all wrong.

It was your way of saying goodbye.
~TheGoodGirl

Words from TheGoodGirl

360 Degrees

The small portions
I used to hate
Are the same ones
That make me happy now.

Those consistent inconsistencies
I am loving them now.

The uncertainty
I am embracing now.
~TheGoodGirl

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Words from TheGoodGirl

Foursquare

Lost you once
Twice, almost.
I will never lose you again.

I am just here if you need me
And even if you don't.
~TheGoodGirl