Regrets That You Regret Regretting

“The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.”

― Fernando Pessoa

When I turned 30 last 2001, I wrote a piece entitled, “Writing 30”, which summarized my regrets in all my 30 years - things I was not able to do, my could have beens, should have beens and if onlys.

After a while, except for one, I realized that there are regrets that you regret regretting. Later on, I decided that I can live with those things undone. I can forgive myself for those lapses. And then after a while, I found out I have additional ones - things I wish I have done when I was younger, when time was on my side. And now, there's little time, and there are no more chances left.

Then there are deeds or feelings or experiences in your past that you regret doing or feeling or going through. There are things that you just wish didn't happen at all. It may be due to naivety, fake ignorance or worse, plain stupidity. You knew that they were wrong and wouldn't do any good to you, and yet, you were stubborn. You knew the consequences, and yet you pushed through with it. When you were younger, you didn't know, so perhaps there’s an excuse. But when you’re older, like I am now (well, that has been 13 years ago), and you look back, you say, “Hell! What was I doing that time?” And even if you want to hit your head on the wall, you can’t make them disappear. You can’t even turn back the time, undo things and start all over like they never happened.

These experiences SHOULD make a better person out of you, right? You should have learned from those mistakes, turned pains into power, and wounds into wisdom. They say that you have an excuse if the mistake/s happened the first time. After all, life didn't come with instructions. But if it happens more than once, you’re already a fool. What happens when you never learn? What becomes of you when you do commit the same mistake/s again?

Are you guilty of this? Do you sometimes wish you could go back to that time when you were at the crossroads, making a crucial decision, and that instead of taking the wrong road, you took the right one? You knew better because you have been there, done that. And yet you took a risk, and opted for the unpopular choice. You would think that those past mistakes, lessons, experiences of yours have made you a more critical person. And you thought you had been wiser than before. But now, you don’t know anymore.

American writer Libba Bray said, “We all do things we desperately wish we could undo. Those regrets just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change that, well, it's like chasing clouds.”

And as they say, “Don’t regret what you've done. At some point, it’s what you wanted.” There are wrong regrets, as much as there are right regrets. And we always hope we end up with the right ones.

~TheGoodGirl

Where do broken hearts go?

"I remember everything. How you smelled, how you tasted like the summer. The feel of your skin against mine, and the sound of your whispers as I loved you...I am grateful for having at least found you. We could have flashed by one another like two pieces of cosmic dust...And all the philosophic rationalizations I can conjure up do not keep me from wanting you, every day, every moment, the merciless wail of time, of time I can never spend with you, deep within my head..." 

Robert Kincaid, The Bridges of Madison County

#Alabang forever without you...can't do anything about the gloom. It's how it is #talesofthegoodgirl http://instagram.com/p/utw3QImFMx/

The hardest part in a failed or hopeless relationship is picking up the pieces. Acceptance that it can never prosper or it’s not meant to be is one thing, fixing a broken heart is another.

I've had several relationships in the past and if someone will ask me if I would go through each one of them again, I think I would - except for The End part.

True, the mere thought of parting with someone you have gone out with, been involved with, been in love with and whom you have shared a part of your life with, is a thought that you wouldn't want to dwell on. It doesn't matter whether that person has been in your life for days, or months or years. It really doesn't matter. Breaking up and - breaking your heart - is really a most painful thing to go through.

The thought of losing that person, "unattaching" or "disengaging" or "separating" yourself from the person and the relationship itself is simply unthinkable. I have always been a survivor of heartaches and failed relationships and I always tell myself that sulking for a while, crying for a while and being miserable for a while is all a part of it. You are entitled to it, after all. Afterwards, you move on. Life goes on.  But before that "liberation" part is the process of "disentangling", the process of letting go and letting be. And it could be the bloodiest part of all. Just thinking of saying goodbye, missing that person, living your life without him stops you. You tell yourself you can still endure a few more heartaches with him, continue to be miserable with him. That even though you've had enough and you want to end it all, the thought of going through the parting process holds you back.

For me, the heart being broken part is actually the hardest part of all, one thing that you don't want to go through again and again because the pain is simply unbearable. I, for one, have always been a person who gives it all in loving somebody. I don't hold back, I don't believe in loving halfway. I fall in love unconditionally and I always invest so much, emotionally, in a relationship. That is why the separation pangs are enough to kill me. I've lost persons I love, and let go of relationships. I've cried many times shamelessly and I've gone through a lot. This is the reason why I know how hard it is and I know I don't want to feel the same pain over and over again. Sometimes, even if I want to put an end to a relationship, what stops me is the thought of going through this merciless process. It's a kind of hurting that sometimes you feel your heart cannot take it any longer. And how the heart continues to endure this is a fact that continues to amaze me up to this very minute.

But yes, Whitney, even broken hearts can find their way home.

~TheGoodGirl

Words from TheGoodGirl: Ashes

ASHES
I was careful not to tap the cigarette

Dangling from my hand

Lest the ashes fall

As I wanted to see how long it can cling,

Similar to how I feel for you.

I wanted it to stay

For as long as it can

But you have long decided,

Before I could.

And now as I flick the ashes onto the ground

I say goodbye to the silver grey particles,

And to you, too.

~TheGoodGirl

Image from: http://www.rgbstock.com/bigphoto/mxJNiMq/Smoking+cigarette+2

Something's Gotta Give

Erica Barry: I don't want my bearings. I've had my bearings my whole goddamn life. I feel something with you I never really knew existed. Do you know what that's like, after a 20-year marriage to feel something for another person that is so...? That... Oh, Right. Right. Not your problem. God. Do you know that I've written this, but I never really got it? Do you know what this is?

- Something's Gotta Give (2003)

Do you have, or have you had, a “eureka” or “a-ha!” moment?

Mine comes in the form of goosebumps.

I get goosebumps when I suddenly feel something life-changing, when I discover something, when I make up my mind to do something, when I finally say “This is it”, when I snap myself out of something, like when I've had enough and that has got to stop, I have to give it up, let it go or I have to move on. Something’s gotta give. Hell, yeah.

This is the signal I usually get when I have to make an important decision, and it’s not always a calm or serene moment. Sometimes there’s a war going on inside me and I don’t know which option to take or path to choose. Sometimes it takes a while before I say, “Ok, that’s it,” like a director yelling “Pack up” to his crew.

That’s the moment when there’s a tingling, hair-raising, prickly feeling that’s telling me something. I admit that it’s taken me quite a while to finally pay attention to the goosebumps. They've been popping up for sometime but I would always ignore them. But they are too frequent to overlook. There have been signs everywhere, without me asking for it. I knew that it was too good to be true, it cannot continue forever, and that something would happen sooner or later.

And I think this is it.

I’m going back to purple. And I think I will cry first.

~TheGoodGirl

Image from: http://www.jackasscritics.com/images/movies/somethings_gotta_give_02.jpg

Something Stupid Like...I Like You

"Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you."
Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

A simple question, such as “Do you like me?” can be complicated between two people of the opposite sex, as I found out recently.

A girl feels the need to ask this question because:

1. She does not want to assume that the guy likes her.
2. She wants to be sure, wants assurance that yes, the guy likes her.
3. She wants to hear it, straight from the horse’s mouth, period.
4. She wants to know where she stands.
5. She does not know the answer, period.

On the other hand, a guy does not reply or sees no need to answer the question, because:

1. He does not have to say it, as his “Action speaks louder than words.”  
2. He does not want to commit.  
3. He is playing safe.  
4. He does not like the girl.  
5. He does not know the answer, period.

Why do people make things complicated, when in fact, a simple yes or no answer may suffice. But I guess that’s what makes men different from women. Sometimes, you just have to read between the lines. But sometimes, you may read too much. Or read them wrong. There are those “How to Know if a Guy Likes You“ quizzes  and in real life, you really can’t figure them out. Frustrating yes? I forgot who said (or wrote) it but it goes something like this: “It took a long time, but I've finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.”

In the movie He's Just Not That Into You (2009), Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) said: “...sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave… knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

In the same movie, Alex (Justin Long) said:  “So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a sh*t, he genuinely doesn't give a sh*t. No exceptions.”

With a woman, it’s either black or white. You don’t have to wait for signs, you don’t have to guess. She either likes you or not. No in-betweens. No middle ground. No grey areas. She says it. She shows it. Plain. And pure. And simple.

With men, they could say one thing, then another, then act inconsistently. Confusing. Irritating. Exasperating.

But we like them anyway, yes?

Unfortunately.

~TheGoodGirl

Image from: http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6704589/flowchart-do-you-like-me

The Weighing Game

My daughter has always been an attention-getter. When she walks by, people would really notice her and stare at her with no effort from her at all. Laging pinagkakaguluhan - supermarket, donut shop, name it. She’s not really what you call “beautiful beautiful”, but she knows how to highlight her assets, has grown in the right places and has this effect on you, especially on boys. Her Dad and I would always kid her, “Para kaming alalay mo,” whenever we are walking together.

Perhaps that has been my greatest motivation in finally trying to lose weight. Not that I didn't feel good about myself. To begin with, I have a small built. Two pregnancies and perhaps, my being a couch potato and my laziness, account for the excess weight. For the past year or so, I have been on a no-rice diet but I am not sure if it did anything to me. I didn't want people to say, “Mommy nya yun?” in a tone that seems to mean, “Bakit hindi niya kamukha?” or “Bakit hindi maganda?” And when they see Alex, they would conclude, “Ah, nagmana pala sa daddy niya.” Hey, my daughter looks like me. But if I keep looking like this, they won't see that. This is my fear. Enough said.

I retained rice during breakfast, and would eat only a little during lunch and dinner. There would be cheat days, of course. But I also added exercise to my evening routine. Lunges, crunches, sit-ups and push-ups. I gave up 3-in-1 coffee as I was told they contain a lot of calories. But I still do take tea sometimes, and pineapple juice, and water with lemon or cucumber. I am addicted to sodas, but I think I can curb the addiction a bit.

After a while, I felt the difference. From a large size, I am now down to medium. And from 131 lbs, I am now 122. Although my waistline has become smaller, I still have this tummy. So I’m working on it, and on my arms. I’ve always been proud of my pair of legs. And even if my skin is not that flawless, it’s clear and fair. "Mommy, paliit ka na nang paliit," Alex would tell me everyday. At 43, I am happy with how I look and how people would tell me that I don’t look my age. Thank you so much. I hope you’re not just teasing me.

Parang sister mo lang si Cae. Objective achieved. At least, something is happening here. I can now wear the clothes I like, eat what I like, and I think that when I am with Cae, I would also get a few second glances and can still turn heads. And when they say, “Mommy nya yun?” I hope it’s said in awe and admiration – and could evoke inspiration. #MayIgagandaPaPala #PushPa

Words from TheGoodGirl: Kaleidoscope / Roller Coaster

KALEIDOSCOPE
As you rotate the kaleidoscope
The objects shift
And the reflection changes,
Moving from one pattern to another.
Just like the emotions you evoke in me -
One second the colors are bright
Only to darken the next.
I am helpless.

ROLLER COASTER
Like a roller coaster ride
My world goes up and down
In your hand.
You lift me high
Only to bring me down.
The loops
Twists and turns
Free falls
You take me
In an exhilarating ride
Then bring it to a stop
I don't know why.

~TheGoodGirl

Images from: http://gregegan.customer.netspace.net.au/images/Kaleidoscope.gif
http://stopsellingvanillaicecream.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Roller-Coaster.jpg