Last week, a boss-friend, during an elevator ride, out of
the blue asked me, “Malungkot ka pa rin?”
I (who always have a quick retort to almost everything) was not able to answer him.
Puzzled, I tweeted about it, and he replied, to my surprise, “Because
you don’t look happy.”
Just the other day, my nanny, while we were in the
supermarket, told me that my daughter asked her, “Ate, bakit parang palaging
malungkot si Mommy?”
And she said she told Cae, “Pano namang di malulungkot
mommy mo, tingnan mo nangyari sa kotse ninyo, tapos yung lola mo…” she went on,
citing some “domestic state of affairs.”
Funny, but my son also asked me the same question one night.
“Mommy?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you sad?”
Am I sad? Why am I sad? Why do people think I’m sad?
I don’t know who said or who wrote it, but “The way sadness
works is one of the strangest riddles of the world.”
For one, you simply cannot have everything. That’s why when
a door closes, you count the windows that are left open or windows that will be
opened. You focus on the ups and the highs. Like the joys brought about by my children. My siblings. Friends who love me and enjoy my company. My writings. My job (but not my career). My greatest addictions. The consistent inconsistencies I used to hate. You don’t dwell on the pain, you just have to accept that there are “dreams
that cannot be.” But yes, you are entitled to some “feels” moments. I was, and
I am entitled to be sad. Perhaps, those unguarded “feels” moments are what
people or friends see, and I’m sorry for that.
Maybe I’m sad because I have been too busy making people happy. A paradox, right? I have always been one who takes into account the happiness of the people I love and people who matter to me, before my own. And more often than not, I forget mine. Because for me, sometimes my feelings don’t matter, my feelings are not important - no matter how valid they are. And they can always take the backseat - if it means the other party is happy / is ok. Even if it means I am hurt or I'll get hurt or I'm not ok.
Maybe I look sad because people expect me to be happy most of
the times. Was it Confucius or Paulo Coelho who said that the funniest people
are the saddest ones?
Or maybe it’s a feeling of sadness seemingly without a
cause. Or without an explanation. In Tumblr, young people call it hyprophenia
(but in Psychology, it means mental retardation).
“There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to
accept,
Things we don’t want to know but have to learn,
And people we can’t live without but have to let go.”
And life goes on.
And on.
~TheGoodGirl
