Goodbye, 2014

If loving you was a mistake,
Then it is my most favorite mistake.
If you are a "regret",
Then you are my most favorite regret.
---TheGoodGirl, 2014

My 2014 has been kaleidoscopic. So many colors, so many designs. There were bright hues, and then there were dark ones. There were clear patterns, and then there were cluttered ones.

At the same time, it has been like a roller coaster ride. There were times when my world was up, and then down. Sometimes the lows would outnumber the highs. Sometimes, it would just go on and on, and then would stop.

I lost a lot - time, words, opportunities, people. And I went through a lot.

At the end of the day, the colorful patterns shifted to reveal meaningful lessons and learnings. I am humbled by the loops, twists and turns, and free falls. I have fallen a lot of times, and then would gather the strength again to stand up. The pains and losses and rejections I encountered along the way have contributed to the person I am now. While I don't claim to be stronger and smarter, I still believe in love and in the power of the heart to mend, to heal itself after being broken, and in its capacity to forgive and forget, and to withstand sadness, distress, grief. And I still believe in all things good and beautiful. Hope is a good thing. And it is a beautiful thing to hold on to.

Goodbye, 2014. What a ride it was. What a kaleidoscope it was. I am leaving everything behind, with hope, with love, with all my heart.

Like Ellie (Jodie Foster) in the movie Contact (1997), "I can't explain it, but I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever. I wish I could share that... I wish, that everyone, if only for one... moment, could feel... that awe, and humility, and hope. But... That continues to be my wish."

Happy New Year to all my blog followers! May the year 2015 be a better one for all of us.

~TheGoodGirl

Always In His Time

“Do you ever wonder why things have to turn out the way they do?”

― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

Someone said, "Always ask the questions you want to, life is too short to know if you'll get a second chance to ask..."

Indeed, life is filled with unanswered questions, and I have always been told that I couldn't ever have all the answers. Sometimes, things happen and you ask God why. Why He allowed it to happen, why He didn’t. Why it happened to you. Why you. The answers are not readily given to you. In the meantime, there’s pain. There’s sorrow. You mourn. You are discouraged. You are afraid. You are angry.

People always say that God works in the strangest of ways. He makes all things beautiful in His time. He answers prayers in His time, and His answers always come at the most perfect time. In time, things will unfold right before you and you will understand, and accept. And move on.

When my father died 4 years ago, I asked the same questions. Why, Lord? Why my Papa? We could have spent more years together.

When things didn’t go as I wanted them to be, it was the same. Why, Lord? Why can’t it be? Didn't I pray hard enough? Didn’t I work for it hard enough? I prayed to You earnestly, why didn’t You hear me? Why didn’t I get what I asked for?

True, whatever your questions are, the answers don’t come right away. And meanwhile, you mope around, trying to cope. There’s sadness. There’s depression. There’s anger.

But eventually, the reasons why things happened that way unfurl. Sometimes, you don’t see them immediately. Sometimes, you need to look back and analyze. There is a time for all things, if you didn’t get what you asked for during the time you prayed for it. Sometimes, the answer is no. And there is a reason for that. Some things are just not meant to be, and just not meant for you. There are other things in store for you. Maybe some people are not meant to be in your life, no matter how much you want them to be. God has other plans for you. And then comes understanding. And acceptance. 

If it’s meant to be, it will be. And what’s meant to be will always find a way.

Dear God,

I have tried my best.

But Your plans are better than my dreams.

~TheGoodGirl

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I love the darkness,

It hides my pain.

I love the rain,

It washes away my tears.

-TheGoodGirl, 2014

You can erase someone from your mind

Getting them out of your heart is another story.

Is there a quick way to totally wipe someone out of your memory?

In the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) starring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, someone invented a process of erasing all your memories of a certain person or relationship. And you’re good to go, no excess baggage, nothing at all.

It must be awesome to be able to do that. In time, really, you can forget a person, even the feeling. This is always possible. But I guess, what everyone wants is an instant eraser, one that can help you forget right away.

And since we’re on the subject, can I wish for the following, too?

1. An Instant Eraser – like a whiteboard eraser, or a delete button which wipes away all bad and painful memories. Picture the eraser tool in Paint or Photoshop...you can use this to get rid of the pain and all those experiences, feelings, images you want to delete from your memory...sort of a tool or instrument for selective amnesia. You just use the eraser and yes, no more tears.

2. Life remote control – I don’t know if Cae remembers this conversation years ago. "Mom, wouldn't it be nice if you have a life fast forwarder or a rewinder?" she asked. "What for?" I asked back. "So you can fast forward your life or rewind it according to your preference," she replied. I laughed, "Then there's no ending at all, Cae," I told her. "People will forever be fast forwarding and rewinding their lives."

Seriously, wouldn't it be great if you could go back to a certain period in your life or go forward to skip the parts you don't like - with the help of your very own remote control? If something sucks or you just can't wait for tomorrow, fast forward. If you want to go back to yesterday to undo or redo things, or to just relive good experiences, rewind. Well, the catch of course is that, there might be no ending to your story, as I've told Cae. "Today" may soon be extinct as there would only be yesterdays and tomorrows.

3. Duplicator - remember the movie Multiplicity (1996)?  This Duplicator can create another you or as many “you’s” as you can, so you could be in multiple places at one time. You can be at home and in the office at the same time. You can be with your kids and at the same time, be in another place. You can be in a romantic get-away with your partner with no worry that you're neglecting your job or household chores because you are also at the office or home. But this Duplicator should come out with the very same you, no "plus" or "minus", meaning your clone should be the exact you, unlike the ones in the movie when each duplicate of Michael Keaton turns out to be worse than the other, a poorer copy of the one before him.

4. Emotional Anesthesia – this can be brought about by a powerful gel or fluid or a pill which doesn’t have to be administered by a licensed anesthesiologist for you to be able to feel no pain; pain caused by a break-up, a separation, an unrequited love, anything that has anything to do with emotional pain. You just apply it or drink it (dosage depending on the seriousness of the situation), then you would feel no more pain. Somebody broke your heart? Someone made you a fool? Somebody didn’t love you back? Somebody doesn’t want you back? No problem! The pain will go away in no time, my dear.

Now who wants any of the above?

~TheGoodGirl

If there are things better left unsaid, Love is not among them

Michael: Kimmy says if you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just...

Juliane: Passes you by...

-My Best Friend’s Wedding, 1997

Papa has always looked forward to getting a planner from me every December. As soon as my allocation from the office has been delivered to me, I would give mine to him. Mama said it was where she would (help him) mark his appointments, court appearances, and meetings. He would receive planners from other people, but he would always prefer using mine. Until 2010, when he passed away.

It’s been four years. And I miss him so. Weeks ago, when I got my planner and calendars, it was him whom I first thought about.

After he left, I found it difficult to write about him and his death, how it affected me, how it bugged me and how it continues to bug me up to this point. I was never able to tell him how much I love him when he was in the emergency room and still conscious, and when he was transferred to another hospital. I did not know that after he was wheeled inside the CT scan room, I will never be able to talk to him again. Of course, even if he was unconscious, we would take turns whispering to him, praying for him. But that was different. For me, it was too late. How I wish I could turn back the time, and tell him things I wasn’t able to say. I know he knew that I love him, but sometimes love is better said and heard. If there are things better left unsaid, I believe that love is an exception.

In this fast-paced and harried life of ours, we tend to forget to tell our loved ones how we feel about them. And sometimes, we even forget the actual feeling, as we are occupied with work, studies, problems, and stuff. We take them for granted. Sometimes we forget to express our appreciation to them for helping us, for taking care of us, for loving us, and for just being there. There are so many things left unsaid, that more often than not, it’s too late to tell them – they’re already gone.

Russian novelist and writer Fyodor Dostoevsky said, “Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.”

The world is filled with unspoken words. Add no more. Maybe we should set aside some time to say what you feel and say the most important things to people who matter to you. Show them that you appreciate them, and what they do for you. Thank them. Spend time with them. And most of all, don’t forget to say you love them. Before it’s too late.

Papa, you are never gone. I love you. I miss you. And I will always be your Good Girl.

Atty. Leon Lajom Acuña

April 11, 1942 - December 11, 2010

Rest in peace...

~TheGoodGirl