“The only journey is the one within.”
You won’t know until it hits you.
The things you used to say easily and casually, “Depressed ako”, “Kaka-depress”…
but when it’s actual and real, it’s life-changing.
Everyone has his own story to tell. And this is mine.
When I had those frequent elevated blood
pressure, chest pains and difficulty in breathing, the first thought was it
could be my heart. Syempre pag puso, wala nang kesyo-kesyo. Pacheck up agad di
ba. Lalo na at my age. I was asked to have blood chemistry tests, ECG and 2D
Echo, among others. Na hihimatayin ka lalo sa mahal LOL Mamamatay na ba ko. Ganun
ba atake sa puso? Kung ano-ano na naisip ko. My BP was being monitored 2x a
day. Although there were findings, and my heart is no longer normal (impaired
relaxation, Grade 1 diastolic dysfunction), my cardiologist said this could
still be addressed by diet and exercise, hydration, lifestyle change. He would
ask me to describe my “episodes”. I felt he could not find what was wrong with
me. But I kept on coming back to him. He said I might have non-cardiac chest pain (baka hindi sa puso yung cause ng pain) and suggested that it might be post-surgical (so I should see my surgeon) or may
be due to anxiety or stress.
To cut the long story short, I was referred
by our company physician (thank you, as always Doc Bing) to a psychiatrist (Recovery Hub by Metro Psychiatry Inc).
And true enough, I was found to be suffering from burnout, aggravated by the
pandemic and the almost 24/7 work-from-home set-up. I was clinically diagnosed
with anxiety and major depressive disorder. I realized that all the time I
thought I was going to die, I was having anxiety attacks. My episodes were
real, and not just imagined or invented. I was always tired, drained,
disengaged, unmotivated. I was starting to hate my job, feeling empty and less
capable, doubting myself and my capabilities. Na parang kulang ang oras. Na
parang hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa gawin yung mga pinapagawa sa akin. I felt
insecure and napagiwanan ng panahon. Nagpapanic ako every time I think of my To
Do’s. I would wake up every night just to think of my tasks. I dreaded turning
on my laptop and attending virtual meetings. Para akong naka-autopilot mode, lumilipad
ang isip, walang focus or conscious thought as I went on with my daily meetings
and tasks. Ang hirap huminga. Lagi ako ninenerbyos. Sh*t, I thought, ganito ba
mag-e-end ang career ko? And again...why me? Ako na naman po? Ako pa, who is generally a cheerful person? At wala akong inuurungan na trabaho.
All my pains, disappointments, fears, failures, frustrations, anger, hurt and hard feelings were unearthed by my doctor. I was crying during our
first session. I will not divulge such of course, as they are too personal and private but it
felt good to open up to someone who understands what you are going through. And
does not judge you. I am not crazy. And I am not making things up. They are
real. My struggles are valid. And kahit anong ultrasound or blood test or -cardiogram
ang gawin pala sa akin, walang makikita or walang madadiagnose. Because what I have
were mental health issues that needed professional help.
For a month, I was shameless. It was
all about Me, Myself and I. Something that I haven’t done for a long time. I
practically did nothing at home. No meetings, no emails. I was lazy. One of the meds would give me insomnia (12MN and still awake), while the other one would render me drowsy and knocked out most of the time but at
least I was able to sleep and wake up kung kelan at kung anong oras ko gusto. I still went on with my cardio workouts (thank you BTS and Sunny Funny Fitness). I
started to watch and appreciate K-drama (late bloomer, hindi ako talaga nanunuod before), falling in love with Song Joong Ki and Lee Jong Suk. Although I have been
cleared to report back to work, I am still under medication and I still have
anxiety attacks, sometimes 2-3 days in a row. It just happens, you know, hindi mo
alam biglang andyan na. But I have already recognized the symptoms, and nakukuha
ko na siyang i-manage minsan, unlike before na hindi ko alam kung anong
nangyayari sa akin which scared me a lot. I felt guilty at first for this,
thinking only of myself, focusing only on my needs. But my doctor said, I neglected
myself in the past. “Napabayaan mo kaya ka nagkaganyan.” Mental health is just
as important as physical health. And
self-care is not being selfish.
Self-care is not selfish.
It is the best way for you to
make sure that you are in your best state.
This is YOU taking care of YOU.
Do not feel guilty for putting
yourself first.
You need to nourish yourself so
you can give all of yourself, not what is left of you.
Make yourself a priority — today
and every day.
You deserve it. (https://www.facebook.com/recoveryhubph/)
People have also reached out to me,
showed their support and shared their stories as well. Thank you, you know who
you are. And I appreciate the kind thoughts and words. The inspiring messages
and warm wishes. I was reminded that I am not alone, and I should not be
afraid. Na kaya ko ito. And that I am still needed. And loved. I am glad I found out
before it was too late. My doctor is the best. I love her. (See my before and after photos. For privacy/confidentiality, I covered her face). Thank you also to my
understanding bosses and colleagues, and to my supportive family, loved ones and friends. Yes,
some people may not readily understand. The social stigma attached to mental
health is still present. Sasabihin ang arte mo lang. Or baliw ka naman yata talaga, pinapaganda mo lang ang
tawag. “Anxiety.” “Depression.” “Mental health.”
Eto na naman ako sa mga adventures
ko. The journey is not yet over. Far
from it. But I will stop when my mind and body want to stop. I will listen to what
I feel. I won’t push myself too hard. While I will still do my best, kung hindi
ko matapos or magawa, then so be it. If I don't get appreciated and recognized, then so be it. As long as I know in my heart that I am good and that I did well. I will not forget to have self-care
moments, buti na lang patient and indulging naman ang family and household ko
with me. Kahit niloloko ako lagi ng son ko na ang dami ko naman daw illnesses LOL I hope mabigay ko pa rin ang best ko in everything I do, and sana hindi
mawala ang tiwala sa akin. I just pray for more patience and understanding. Please
be kind and gentle 😊
Kamsahamnida 🤞 😊
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