Rocky Road

“Our bodies are our gardens – our wills are our gardeners.”

When I had my Annual Physical Exam (APE) last December 2021, there were red flags all over my laboratory results. So I had to visit / consult my army of “ists” – first my psychiatrist and second, my endocrinologist. True enough, the medications I have been taking for more than a year now have been “interacting” inside and my body is a wonderland.

My psychiatrist recommended to taper off my anti-depressants. She lowered the dose from 60mg to 30mg (but yeah, to my chagrin, same price regardless), take them for a month; afterwards, take every other day and after 15 days, stop. We cannot quit cold turkey, she said. It must be gradual, in order to ease the withdrawals and help my body adjust.

My endocrinologist checked the results one by one and told me that this is a result of this, and that is a result of that. While she said that she is not interfering with my other doctors’ prescribed medicines, she would be happy if I’d reduce, if not eliminate some of them. Tell your psychiatrist, she said. Ganda naman ng aura mo, Pam, she even told me. Kawawa naman ang liver mo.

And I was gaining weight, too. All these meds are really messing up my body, while making me well?

The dutiful patient as always, I followed their instructions to the dot. I had rough and tough times, but I would attribute it to my usual feelings of tiredness, my monthly period, and hormones (perimenopausal na raw hahaha). Until I started to really feel weird. And awful. I would still validate this with my psych but I saw an article in Mayo Clinic which describes how quitting anti-depressants would affect a patient.

And guess what, I got 9 out of 10. No, 9.5 (no chills multiplying). So I wasn’t making things up. What I have been going through has a clinical basis or explanation. I am so sorry for being irritable, for being a Drama Queen sometimes.  I always feel sleepy because of lack of sleep the night before. Then I would feel like throwing up, or the world is spinning. Then the headaches. The unannounced tears. To the point that I would be labeled as a spoilsport or KJ for getting tired easily. For not exercising enough. For not having physical activities enough. And my family would think that I was just saying, Pagod ako, when in fact, it was all too real. Wala na raw sila narinig sa akin kundi Pagod ako. There is even a symptom that I couldn’t describe, it’s like a zing of electricity shooting down your spine or chest, throughout your body. And there it was, on the list. Electric shock sensations. See, I am not making things up!

I also was advised by my psych to sign up for a 9-Sunday Mindful Self Compassion (MSC) workshop. MSC was developed by Christopher K. Germer, PhD, leader in the integration of mindfulness and psychotherapy, and Kristin Neff, PhD, pioneering researcher in the field of self-compassion. MSC combines the skills of mindfulness and self-compassion, providing a powerful tool for emotional resilience. I have been sacrificing family time and Sunday activities for this, but it is to help me cope without medication and to avoid relapse. This is free of charge to us patients and friends of Recovery Hub by Metro Psychiatry Inc. if we commit to finish until the 9^th Sunday. The meditations and some of the practices (soothing touch, words of affirmation, etc) taught to us have been very helpful. You just have to have presence of mind all the time, wag mataranta pag andyan na si AA (anxiety attack). Wag papatalo.

Actually, my anxiety disorder, I can manage as much as I can, because I already am familiar with the triggers and the signs. I just have to be alert. And after 20-30 minutes, especially if you were given the chance to rest and sleep for a while, mawawala na and you’re back to your daily grind. But my DD (depressive disorder), ito ang medyo mahirap to control and to predict.

Between the two, depression is scarier. You cannot stop the suicidal thoughts entering your mind. Depressive episodes stay longer, and they drain you so much. Sometimes, you don’t feel like resuming your normal activities, you just want to lie down and sleep for days. Most of the times I would curl up in my bed and cry for no reason. Sometimes, I would feel like vandalizing our walls, draw lines and whatever with a pentel pen. Sometimes, I want to hurt myself just to make me feel better. Weird? Yes. So don’t self-diagnose, folks. Seek professional help so you would know what to do. And to everyone, always be kind and patient to people like us. Ayaw rin namin ng ganito. Sabi nga ng iba, Pam, wag ka na manuod ng mga stressful films / series, LOL. Favorite ko pa naman mga thrillers, killer killer hahahaha And as my son Caehl would tell me, Mommy, hindi ko na alam ang nangyayari sa iyo.

#talesofthegoodgirl

To know more about MSC, you may visit https://self-compassion.org/the-program/

From https://info.totalwellnesshealth.com/blog/25-quotes-about-wellness-your-employees-need-to-hear

If you listen to your body when it whispers, you won’t have to hear it scream.

Create healthy habits, not restrictions.

Self love is the greatest medicine.

Your life only gets better when you do. Work on yourself and the rest will follow.

Believe you can and you’re halfway there.

The food you eat can either be the safest and most powerful form of medicine or the slowest form of poison.

Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t and start loving yourself for everything you already are.

Embrace and love your body. It is the most amazing thing you’ll ever own.

Be patient with yourself. Nothing in nature blooms all year.

You are your only limit.

Don’t let your mind bully your body.

You are what you eat, so don’t be fast, cheap, easy or fake.

The difference between who you and who you want to be is what you do.

If you don’t take care of your body, where are you going to live?

It’s not about being the best. It’s about being better than you were yesterday.

Don’t wait until you’ve reached your goal to be proud of yourself. Be proud of every step you take toward reaching that goal.

The body achieves what the mind believes.

You don’t get what you wish for. You get what you work for.

If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.

Think about what could go right.

Push harder than yesterday if you want a different tomorrow.

A year from now, you’ll wish you had started today.

The fact that you aren’t where you want to be should be enough motivation.

Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t do.

Become a priority in your life.