When Life Gives You “When Life Gives You Tangerines”

“It’s an odd thing. Parents dwell on what they couldn’t give. And children dwell on what they couldn’t get.” – Geum Myeong

Netflix’s #WhenLifeGivesYouTangerines gives us a lot to ponder on.

As a parent, we always want to give the best to our children, offer them comfort and convenience in almost everything, even if it means working so hard that your brains and butt couldn’t tell which is which. Whether you are an employee or run your own business, there are a lot of times you want to retreat and surrender, but you don’t. In fact, you even end up giving up a lot of things for their sake, to be able to keep this up – your youth, your time, even your own dreams.  Because theirs matter more to you than yours. Because as parents, it is our role and obligation.

Not that I am complaining, we’re all in this for the long haul. I’ve been a parent since I was 23. I’m just saying that parents may not be always perfect, or we may not be able to give our children everything, but we try, and we will always do our best. We may not be the “best” parents for them, but we try to be. When you see them throw tantrums, or they seem sad or discontented or annoyed with you for some reason, when they get mad at you and they don’t seem to appreciate their life and the things you do for them, when you hear them whine or worry or look for things that they don’t have, or what you can’t give, it hurts a lot. But as a parent, would you fight back? Would you tell or show them that you’re hurt? Would they care? You just take it all in. Maybe our children will never know that side of parenthood until they become parents themselves.

Speaking for myself and my own experience, I have been working since I was 17 and battling against health issues, I decided to retire in 2022 at age 51. I have a few regrets after this humbling chapter of my life (but that’s another story), but I must live with that decision. If I were only living for myself, the retirement fund I received would be enough for my k-vices and “luxurious indulgences.” To translate in Filipino: Na kung ako lang at sarili ko lang iintindihin ko at aasikasuhin, at wala na ko ibang pagkakagastusan, ok na ko sa milyones ko.

But as my youngest son is still studying, I thought an extra income as a consultant would be nice. Leaving my comfort zone, which I thoroughly enjoyed for 2 years (no alarm clock in the morning, watching k-drama all day and all night, going out and to the mall anytime I want), I went back to work – and lost my time freedom again.

In the same year, our lives changed when my son entered college, and we had to move to QC and rent a place, again giving up the comforts of my home where I just had to set up my laptop and log out after 8 hours, nap and wake up, with my 2 helpers doing the household chores. Lunch and dinner are ready, laundry sorted and done, rooms cleaned - the works. Here, I have to multi-task – working at home is literally work and at the same time, tackle cleaning/cooking/etc. Expenses are double, too – Meralco, water, food and groceries. My helpers still get paid but I don’t hahaha Sometimes I resent being in this situation, but since I was the one who made the decision to stay with my son, I cannot grumble forever. I try not to dwell on it but sometimes it can be very challenging, especially for someone like me with mental and physical health limitations, I just pray that I will stay healthy and strong (and employed) for a long time to sustain this setup. 

But yes, if there are pains, there are gains, too. Don’t get me wrong. Parenting and parenthood involve not just challenges, but joys and rewards too. I have my share. And they outnumber the down times. In the same episode of WLGYT, the lead /mom AeSun said: “I found happiness in my own way. There was sunshine in my life too. I’ve had so many picture-perfect moments. I just want you to acknowledge that my life was worthwhile too.” 

If I have regrets, those are mine and my issues alone. I may have sacrificed a few personal wants and needs, but I will never take these against my children. 

To my two treasures: I just want you to be more understanding and patient (also me: perimenopause, anxiety and panic attacks, depression, mood swings, irritability, and other signs of aging hahaha). 

I’ll be 54 this year and even so, I am still being given tangerines, still learning every day, trying to be a better person every day, trying to guide you every day, praying for you every day – and praying to be with you as much as I can, as longer as I can, every day.

#talesofthegoodgirl

Fearless

I was at my ob-gyne’s clinic the other day. It was a real trip down memory lane as I remember seeing her too on the same date 29 years ago. 

My estimated delivery date for Cae was March 28 (that was a Holy Monday). But when I had an ultrasound that day, Dra. Antonil said, “Mataas pa.” That was when we knew we were having a girl. I was overjoyed. We wanted a girl. It’s a story I will never get tired of telling. Bata pa ko, alam ko na ipapangalan sa future daughter ko - Caitlin (after a Sweet Dreams pocketbook title) and later on, I added Anais (from the Cacharel perfume Anais Anais, which my good friend Nessa sent me from Australia nung HS pa kami), with CAE as her nickname, from Alex’s initials – Capiz, Alexander Edmund (ahhhh, ayun pala, kaya pala ganun ang spelling ng Cae nya 😂).

So after I was told hindi pa ko manganganak, we went back home, baka raw after Holy Week pa. Yet, Wednesday that same week, bigla na lang siyang lalabas pala. I was in labor though for 31 hours. Sabi ng ob ko, konti na lang ma-c-CS na ko. Pag 5pm na, wala na choice. But she came out 4:55pm, March 30, 1994.

Cae is actually in a league of her own. She is smart (wag na natin isali yung beautiful, kasi obvious naman), kind of stubborn but sometimes in a good way naman. Born under the sign of Aries, she is passionate, courageous, no filter, what you see is what you get. Aries is known for an explosive temper, and how she can explode. But otherwise, she’s upbeat, positive, and very thoughtful, very caring. Bata pa yan, ang tawag namin dyan si Tea Party. Kasi mahilig mag-event LOL There was a time when she was in kindergarten, bigla na lang may dumadating na classmates sa bahay. Nagulat kami, yun pala she invited them to a “tea party.” OMG hahaha buti na lang napakiusapan namin yung parents na naghatid, apologizing dahil wala naman talagang party. 

But you know what, her event-planning skills would come in handy when she got older. Birthday parties, bridal showers, kahit anong event, kaya niyang i-organize. Sometimes to a fault. Siya yung laging pagod, yung punong-abala. Ganyan sya ka-reliable, and it’s how she shows her caring ways. Lahat ng gamit na pwedeng hiramin or kunin sa bahay, lahat ng pwedeng gawin. Naisip nga namin, sana when it comes to her (or when her time comes), ganun din yung friends niya sa kanya. 

As a student, she was a year younger than her classmates but she was able to cope. As our eldest, ang hirap pakawalan nung nag-college na sya. Naaawa ka tuwing aalis, tuwing uuwi ng gabi, tuwing magcocommute. Eh Thomasian pa, so may BAHA adventures din. Laging nasisira sapatos, laging pagod pag-uwi. Lahat na yata ng transpo, na-try niya – bus, train, LRT. Naka-body brace pa siya nun, because of her scoliosis. Nung nagdorm naman, syempre hindi mo rin maialis na mag-alala. Was she eating properly? Is she safe? May time nun na hindi siya makauwi kasi may Habagat, sobrang baha sa Manila. I think she had 3 dorms? Yung last, tumutulo pa yung kisame pag umuulan. And she made it. How she aced it. She graduated cum laude. 

When it comes to work, I think she got her work ethics from me. Although I wouldn’t want to grab the credit, pero parehong-pareho kami. Hindi mo yan mapapa-absent kahit gumagapang na sa sakit ng ulo or dysmennorhea. For her, work is something that you don’t fool around with, take for granted or take lightly. Kahit saan sya mapunta, she always excels. I remember during the pandemic, nakikita ko siya while working and na-a-amaze ako pag naririnig ko sya talking to her clients. Napaka-professional and nakakabilib talaga. Good job!

Year of the Dog, she is very loyal. I don’t know if Cae knows that she is fearless and strong. But she is. Minsan she can be bossy and self-assertive, and rebellious. Very opinionated and outspoken. Minsan we argue about things, we differ in opinions. She is not the type who would back down, kasi ipipilit niya yung paniniwala niya. Sa labas, she may seem tough but she is also soft hearted and she can mingle with all sorts of people. Napaka-iyakin, lahat na lang ng panuorin, iniiyakan. Hay naknik.

Of all the things I have experienced, being a mother for 29 years is by far the greatest. If I were to live again, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten married or gotten pregnant at a young age. But one thing I’m sure of is I will always choose her to be my daughter, I wouldn’t have it any other way. She has taught me a lot, I learned a lot from her. Walang school or university para maging mabuting magulang, you just learn things as you go along. Sabi ko nun, ang gusto ko lang mag-aral siyang mabuti and maging isang mabuting anak. Yun lang. But she has done more, and she has become more than that. Yung makita mo lang na masaya siya sa pinili niyang path sa buhay, I am ok with that. 

HAPPY 29th BIRTHDAY, NAKNIK! No  matter how much I say I love you, know that I always love you more than that. I will always be your biggest fan.

Love, Mommy

#talesofthegoodgirl

Early Birthday Blessings

"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings."

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Last April, when my daughter Caitlin got a recognition (she works as Travelport Helpdesk at Stefanini Philippines), she received a travel incentive worth €625. Since it was required that she present either a flight or hotel booking to be able to claim it, we decided right away to go to Singapore in October. She has been to Korea, HK and Macau, so the next place is either Bangkok or SG. Never mind if I have been there also last April, it was after all a business trip. So while she shouldered the accommodation for the five of us, her Dad and I took care of the airfare.

Today, she got her 3rd Director's Club award for being the Top Performer for the Quarter (in Asia) for Travelport. As in her past citations, she, along with the other outstanding performers, was treated to a recreational activity day with their Director. This time, they went to an archery center, aside from the usual movie and buffet lunch treat. I am happy that Caitlin is doing well in the workplace and that her efforts are being recognized. I encourage her to work hard so she can enjoy its fruits and 'party harder', so to speak. Just this month, she signed up for an insurance policy and I am so proud of this commitment of hers.

Congratulations, Cae. You are always a source of pride and joy. Thank you for the early birthday blessings. Keep it up and we are always here to support you. You are my one and only naknik.

~TheGoodGirl

The Prodigal Child

To all whose moms are still alive, we are reminded anew to spend the rest of our days showing our love to them before it's too late. Reposting an old blog from my blogsite pamski.71.bravejournal.com

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March 12, 2006
Yesterday, I was bothered by the news that my mom and my eldest sister are once again fighting. Living under the same roof, they have this tampuhan thingy once in a while, a normal mother-daughter phenomenon I guess.  Most daughters living with their moms could relate to this.

When my mom gets mad at other people, my Ate takes the heat most of the times. On the other hand, when Ate, who has a fighter’s blood running in her veins, finds herself in a squabble with a neighbor or whoever, it’s Mama’s turn to call a ceasefire. “Patricia!” she would always admonish her. “Para kang walang breeding!”

Their personalities clash but they could be sweet at times, too. That we just shrug our shoulders and say, “Ganyan lang yang dalawang yan. Sila kasi ang magkasama sa bahay.”

Ate Pinky, or Pia, as my children would refer to her, quit her job years ago to stay at home and be with my mom and lola. A medical technology degree holder, she was asked by my father and my brother to look after the two. My niece, Meghann, found this set-up convenient and in her favor. Along with Azalea, they are the only ones left in the house we all grew up in.

As a result, Ate doesn’t earn her own income and she is often asked to do errands, cook for the family, and take care of things especially when Mama is sick. Sometimes she doesn’t take this well, as she feels she’s being taken for granted. Sometimes she feels helpless when “payables” such as Meg’s school expenses crop up. Sometimes she feels sorry for herself because she thinks she has become so dependent on others, especially when it comes to money matters. She also feels that my folks often meddle in the way she brings up Meg, and in her own life as well. “Di na ko makahinga sa bahay na yan,” she tells us. “Parang wala na kong sariling buhay. I feel like I’m being treated as a sixteen-year old.”

Mama, on the other hand, wonders if it’s true that she treats Ate that way. “Anak ko sya, eh,” she tells me.

When they fight, the house turns into a war zone (as Azalea would call it). I remember my father telling her during one of our family gatherings, “Everything I have is yours,” just like in the story of the Prodigal Son. Remember the part wherein the eldest son got mad when the father threw a celebration at the youngest son’s homecoming?

“All these years I’ve worked hard for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to; and in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends.”

“Look, the father said, “you and I are very close, and everything I have is yours."

It all seemed a joke when Papa said that. But looking back, I see how true it was (is). “Everything” may not be in terms of money and finances and tangible possessions. It may also be his and Mama’s time and attention. I don’t have it now. Kuya doesn’t have it now. Their presence, their pag-aasikaso, their moral support. And yes, even the occasional reprimand. Ate has indeed everything. And there will come a time that she, and all of us, will miss all that.

Everybody says “Ang hirap magpalaki ng magulang.” We can choose our spouses, but not our parents. But I guess we will never realize how hard it is to be a parent until we become one. And  a parent is a parent is a parent…for life.