Tales of The Good Girl: July 2014

Friday, July 25, 2014

The pain that won’t go away

Image from http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/p/keep-calm-and-enter-the-red-room-of-pain/

Sometimes there’s an ache that’s not physical but you can almost feel it just the same. And it won’t disappear. It won’t go away.

Sometimes the pain is called love. The kind that is not reciprocated. The kind that is oh so one way or one-sided. The kind that is unrequited. The kind that is not appreciated by the recipient.

In a previous blog, when my daughter Caitlin was younger, I wrote that I dreaded the day she falls in love and feels the first pain.

Just over lunch yesterday, I was standing by the pantry window and joked that I would stay there until my Prince Charming comes along. And they said that I would probably wait there for a long time. Moral: Ang hirap maghintay ng Prince Charming talaga.

Why is love so elusive? What makes it elusive? And even if you have found it, sometimes it turns out that it’s not meant for you. And it’s even more heartbreaking - knowing that you can’t have the person. I think it was James Patterson who wrote that “What’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?”

But someone else put it perfectly. “A person doesn't know true hurt and suffering until they've felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere.”

And meanwhile, a teen actress said, “Love should be precious, not painful.”

Sometimes, in my Facebook newsfeed, I see posts which one can easily decode as the person “being in love” and I would tell myself, “Naku, masasaktan lang ito.”

Hindi ka niya type.
Friend-zoned.
He/she doesn’t see you as anyone except as a friend.
Parang kayo pero parang hindi.
Parang gusto ka niya pero parang hindi.
Gusto ka niya pero hindi puwede.
Minsan gusto ka niya, pero madalas hindi.
Akala mo lang gusto ka niya.
He/she likes you but he/she has someone else.
Or he/she likes somebody else.
May iba na siya.
He/she only remembers you when he/she needs something.
Back-up ka lang. Reserba. Sideline. Raket.
Ayaw ka na niya. Dati, oo. Ngayon, hindi na.
Hindi talaga ubra. Hindi talaga puwede. Kahit pagbali-baligtarin mo man ang mundo.

There are pains that just won’t go away. And you are left with two choices. Accept that they have no (medical) treatments and

make them go away by walking away or
endure the pain.

It’s really up to you.

Because, as said in the novel Kill me Softly, “…if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”

~TheGoodGirl

Author's Disclaimer: I just write about love and relationships. Please don't ask if this is about me :)

You may want to read:

http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/122790

http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/16800

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Street Smart

We finally had Kikay back.

As you may know, our beautiful 10-year old ruby red Honda City was hit by a Ford Escape last June 21, just a few streets from ours. It was a good thing that no one was hurt when it happened. Everything was taken care of the Escape’s owner (a multinational company whose insurance provider made it possible for the repair shop to pick up Kikay from our house). Except for the trip to the police station on that fateful afternoon, and Alex picking it up last July 12 from Sta. Rosa, we did not lift a finger – thank God.

It left us carless for three weeks, though. Going home, I don’t really care much about commuting because I am used to it. But going to the office in the morning, it’s really an effort on my part. It takes 45 minutes vs my usual 15 minutes as I have to take 2 rides - tricycle and van. Plus waiting time until the van is full. Plus traffic along Canlalay (Biñan) going to SLEX. Plus smoke (and gasoline smell) getting in my hair and on my skin. Plus having to pack my heeled shoes along, and just wear flats on my way to the office.

Someone thought it might be a good source for new adventures for the TheGoodGirl. On my first few days, though, everyone in the van seemed to be asleep, and I was the only one who was up and restless. If this is the way things would go, I don’t have a tale to tell, I thought. But it seems that I am really a “story magnet”. There were stories and adventures to share, after all.

Usually, I would catch the 630-645am trip, and more often than not, it would have the same set of passengers. Including two officemates. There’s this girl with her yaya (although the latter looks like an aunt) who at first would pay for fare for two, but later on, when it increased from Php45 to Php50, kandong na lang. I was beside them one time and the girl was kind of “malikot”. Her feet were up the whole time and I was afraid her rubber shoes would smear my light-colored dress. Moral: Don’t wear dumihin dresses when commuting. Para walang sisihan.

And there’s this man beside me who was paying for his fare, and he said he’s a senior citizen. The driver said, “Ows, di nga?”

Pinatulan naman niya ang driver.

“Oo, 60 na ako.”

The driver replied, “Parang hindi naman halata. Parang 59 lang.”

Tuwang-tuwa naman si Mr. Senior Citizen.

LOL I was like, pati pala guys share this age joke among themselves.

The same driver said, “Magtataas na po kami sa July 7 ha.”

Mr. Senior Citizen asked me, “Kailan daw?”

“Sa July 7 daw po,” I replied. “Sa Monday.”

After a while, he asked for the time. “May 7(am) na ba?”

I said, “Wala pa po, quarter to seven pa lang.”

Then he laughed.

I was puzzled, may nakakatawa kaya sa sinabi ko? O natural comedienne lang talaga ako? Hindi po ako si Gina, si Karen po.

Meanwhile...During our tricycle ride one morning, after dropping off Alex in the nearest shuttle station, I was surprised because the driver recognized me.

“Ma’am, kumusta na po kotse ninyo?” He said he was there when the accident happened. So for the next 5 minutes, we were having a conversation, and I kind of enjoyed it.

Then, another morning, the tricycle driver was talking to the girl at the back ride.

"College ka na ba?” he asked.

I think the girl replied that she was going to Malayan Colleges (Cabuyao, Laguna).

For the next ten minutes or so, I was listening to his “words of wisdom”.

“Pano ang schedule mo? “Anong oras ka na nakakauwi?”

Don’t worry about his questions. I didn’t think he’s a bad guy. Parang father-like lang.

“Magkano tuition nyo?” “Magkano baon mo?” "Tapos, pagkain pa.”

I couldn’t hear the girl’s reply over the vroom-vroom sounds.

Then he said, “Ah ganun? Tapos wawalanghiyain lang ng iba ang magulang (nila).”

He advised the girl to study hard and finish her schooling. “Mahirap (ang) hindi nagtapos ng pag-aaral.”

See, so you believe me now?

Jo, you were right. There was so much to write about and share. All you have to do is listen. I can’t say I’m missing my morning commuting days, but it was fun, too, while it lasted. Here’s to more tales and adventures of TheGoodGirl! Cheers to the commuting public!

~TheGoodGirl

Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Morning After (PUSH and “at leasts”)

When I went to bed the night of July 15, despite DOST PAGASA’s warning, little did we know what would actually hit us.

Heavy rains and strong winds which brought about power fluctuations woke me up around 130am of July 16 (same date of the killer earthquake in 1990). I was scared that our roof would get blown away as the winds grew stronger and stronger. I kept on praying that I think I have called on all the saints in the world.

I checked the kitchen and the dining room once more (as they are the most vulnerable areas in our house when it rains) and just stayed awake. Our wireless router is still on, and my mobile is still on 3G. Then around 4am, the power died. Same with my Globe signal. I got up to fill the bathroom pails with water as water supply is the first to go when power fails.

As usual, my restlessness roused Caehl and there we were, hugging each other, with his tiny stuffed monkey Avi, between us. “Mommy, protect me. Please pray,” he kept on saying.

Since I was not able to sleep at all, it was shortly before 9am when I finally came out of the room. Our front door was still locked, and all the windows were shut. It was still raining a bit. Come 1030am, it stopped, and the winds were dwindling.

I stepped out in our terrace. It was a messy lot. My laundry area was a disaster. I felt sorry for the fishes, as they have no oxygen, they were in a huddle in one corner of the aquarium. And what do you know, a wedding was going on in our parish. They probably decided it was too late to cancel it. Network signal was still out but I managed to receive a few SMS from my sister-in-law, friends and officemates. Checking out our street, we found a broken lamp post, with the lamp hanging on by a thread; broken branches and a fallen Max’s sign on Tita Helen’s store.

Broken lamp post

Bye Ninong Max!

Poor fishy-fishy

Vehicles (owned by people attending the wedding) were parked in front of my house, a Suzuki APV blocking our driveway. A man, who lives on the next street, was shouting at the driver.

“Hindi naman yata yan lalabas (referring to us / our car), i-parada mo na diyan.”

The driver saw me watching them, “Hindi ba kayo lalabas?” he repeated.

“Sabi mo eh,“ I replied, showing my annoyance. “Assuming ka.”

My point was, whether we were going out or not, you don’t just block someone else's driveway, right? The parking lot beside the church was big enough anyway.

After lunch (Question: What is it with rains that makes people hungry? My mag-aama ate heartily), I was again sleepy. Question 2: What is it with rains that makes people sleepy? I woke up around 3pm. Since it was already clear, I asked Caehl if he wanted to buy some stuff from the supermarket. Actually, all I wanted was to buy another box of champorado, as there was only one pack left in the cupboard. We had enough food and supplies anyway, it was just an excuse to get out of the house. Cabin fever. "To escape boredom," as Caehl put it.

In Pacita Complex, Caehl was counting fallen trees and store signs, shaking his head and hating all of it. In Shopwise, it was hot and the skeletal force was not enough for the shoppers. Again, despite the warnings from PAGASA, it seems everyone was not prepared, buying the storm essentials only on that afternoon, after Glenda happened.

While in line, Caehl almost had a tantrum attack (but mainly because he was hungry and he didn't know it).

The lady in front of us said something to her companion. Caehl turned to me and said, “Did you hear that, Mommy? She has no signal.”

He asked Alex, “How about you, Daddy? Do you have a signal?” When his dad said no, he was distraught. “What’s the percentage? As in 0 percent?”

“Mommy, it’s an awful day,” he said, starting to cry. I hugged and kissed him and assured him that everything will be all right. We just have to wait for power to be restored, I told him.

Then he said, “But at least, there are “at leasts” in what happened, Mommy.”

“What do you mean?" I asked.

“At least, we’re together, we’re safe, we have food, we have money to buy things, and we have our car back,” he enumerated. I guess this is his own version of counting blessings during a bad situation. “Just PUSH. Pray until something happens.“

The wisdom of a child indeed.

“How about you, Mommy? What are your at leasts?”

“Same as yours," I said, adding that at least, a tree didn't fall on our house, our roof was intact, there’s enough water supply. But - our laundry area was a disaster, I repeated my observation to him.

“Don’t say that,” he said.

“Say what?” I asked.

“Disaster," he replied. “Just PUSH.”

“You’re a changed boy,” Alex and I told him, ruffling his hair and admiring him.

Twilight. A view from our terrace

We shared champorado and dilis in the terrace as we all decided to dine al fresco for a change. Still with no electricity, our boy entertained us and our guests (Inna and Manang) with his funny stories and antics, and learned a card game.

When it was time to call it a day, Caehl, nudging closer to me, whispered, “Mommy, it was fun.”

“No longer awful?” I asked.

“Because we’re together and safe,” he said.

Remember, #JustPUSH.

~TheGoodGirl

Thursday, July 3, 2014

April 3

I just read an online article which reminded spouses that when things get rough, you just have to go back to the day you first fell in love with your partner, or think of the things why you chose him among the rest. And why you are holding on to that decision.

Twenty two years is a long time. Alex and I have gone through A LOT. We've had tough and reckless years in the past but we have forgiven each other, made our peace and re-created our life together. Good thing that I keep journals and writings about our relationship, especially when it’s our anniversary (we don’t celebrate our civil or church wedding anniversary, but the day when we became a couple which was on April 3, 1992 - and today is our monthsarry, thus this blog). Writing about us each year gives me a reason and an opportunity to look back and reflect on what has become of us. Whenever I feel sad, I just re-read my blog entries to remind me of why, when and how I fell in love with him. This way, I would focus on the positive, on the ups and the highs, on the joys and thrills.

He and I don’t fight anymore, and there are things that we have given up and have not been doing. There are things we both love, yet we still have our own interests, passions, addictions. There are things we do together, and there are things we don’t have to do together. I can be by myself or be with friends. And he can be by himself, or be with his friends. We’re steady, we’re calm, we’re cool. We don’t have to talk a lot, sometimes we just send body signals. Most of the time, we don’t even have to say anything at all. We just understand each other. He has chosen me and I, him. And that's it.

Whenever someone asks me why I don’t drive (anymore), I just say it’s because of my poor eyesight (even if I wear contacts) and I find it hard to drive when it’s dark or raining. Sometimes I say it’s because I don’t need to, I have Alex anyway. And whenever the issue of having or maintaining two cars comes up, I just say it’s expensive. We've tried that before. But the truth is (and until now, I haven't confessed or said this thing, except for 2 persons), I want to need my husband. I need to need him. There was a time when we each had a car, and we lived our lives separately. He had his friends and gimmicks, and I had mine. Our marriage and relationship suffered that I don’t want it to happen again. I don't want to experience again the time when I didn't need him. Driving is the only thing I cannot (or won't) do now – the rest, I can. And if I can do that one thing, I wouldn't need him anymore. I need my husband in my life. I hope you’re catching my drift J

In my last blog, I wrote that “Sometimes, some of the truest things are not seen, shown or said.” Maybe I haven’t been showing or telling my husband that I love him, or maybe you don’t see that. But the truth is out there – he will always be my one true love.