Half of My Heart

But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

- Lost Stars

For someone who has been married for 22 years, I have been asked too often how one is able to stay long in a marriage. Especially if one got hitched at an early age like me. So many factors contribute to marital breakdown – immaturity, infidelity, money, communication, addictions, sex, fatigue, to name a few. And in this age of internet and information technology, almost nothing is impossible, or better yet, almost everything is possible.

I am not ashamed to say that the primary reason we got married young was because I got pregnant. At that time, I was just a year and a half out of college and I had to give up a job because of my difficult pregnancy until my 5^th month. Yet at that time, I was sure that he was going to be the person I would marry. Perhaps that knowledge and that certainty stemmed from the fact that I had previous relationships which never reached that level. I believe it when people say that you will know if and when that person is The One. And I also believe that if and when that person is indeed The One, hindi mo na patatagalin pa.

However, I would be a hypocrite if I say that I don’t have what-ifs. What if I didn’t get pregnant? What if we waited a little bit? What if I took up Law instead? What if we met somebody else? What if hindi kami ang nagkatuluyan? Too late, I suppose, and it wouldn’t be fair to us both to be thinking of those things. But I guess, Alex too would have his own what-ifs. Like any other marriage, ours is not a fairy tale. Inasmuch as we’ve had great times, we’ve had our share of horrors and mishaps. Of faults and failures. Of trying times and setbacks. Inasmuch as there were great years, there were lost years that can never be brought back again. And how can we regain something that wasn’t even ours in the first place? They're just shoved in my favorite place – in the dark recesses of my mind, where they cannot haunt or hurt me any longer.

At the end of the day, there are no clear-cut rules, and there are different strokes for different folks. I am thankful when people accept and acknowledge my bits and pieces of advice when it comes to love and relationships. I am no guru but I think I am a bit of an expert in my own right. When you are able to go through the most difficult times and you still end up together, choosing each other after all has been said and done, I guess, you are credible.

1.  For the fun part, my Tip#1 goes like this: Mag-asawa ng pogi. Kahit anong mangyari, at least pogi. Asar ka na nga, panget pa? LOL Even if you fight, refuse to talk to each other, bigyan ka ng kunsumisyon, at least pogi pa rin hahaha
2. Tip#2: If you are a doer type of a person, it’s ok to marry a dreamer. But if you are a dreamer yourself, marry a doer, not a fellow dreamer. It’s ok to dream but someone between the two of you has to take action. You got to make things happen. It cannot be dreaming all the time.
3.  Tip#3: Believe in the goodness of everything. That despite everything, every single moment that happens or happened to you will always teach you about goodness.
4.  Tip#4: Don’t ever give up. Most couples nowadays just give up. Don’t. The heart is stronger than you think. Sometimes you feel your heart cannot take it any longer, but how it continues to endure pain after pain is something that amazes me up to this very minute. #PUSO
5.  Tip#5: If all else fails, refer to Tip#1. At least, pogi.

I could go on and on. But maybe, I can continue this in another blog. For my part, I am not a perfect wife and I guess no one is. But God knows I tried so hard and I worked so hard. Sure, I have my lapses, but I would like to believe that I’ve done more than my fair share in this partnership.

Above all, and most importantly, this marriage gave me two bright and beautiful children, who are the source of my pride and joy. And I don’t mean just bright and beautiful – as in really really bright and beautiful. Everything that happens, they say, has a reason. And if the reason for my early marriage is having these children, and being a mother to them, then I have no regrets at all.

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

~TheGoodGirl

Love in Action

Love is action. It isn’t talk, and it never has been. – Pat Conroy

Last week, my son Caehl was sick. It was one thing that he was sick, and another that I was away on a business trip in Cebu. I was monitoring him while attending the training, texting my kumare who’s his pedia, and giving instructions to the people back home. I kept on reminding Alex to do these things, but I just wanted to be sure they are done in my absence.

When I got back, Caehl was still not feeling well, but he managed to take his quarterly exams just the same. I was worried that he wasn’t able to answer the tests correctly, or that he was in a hurry to finish them, just so he could go home. Nanay Ev said that his class adviser was praising him for completing the exams despite his condition. Yesterday, I arrived home to see his test folder on my desk. I didn’t want to look, but why did I ever doubt my son? He got two perfect scores, and the rest, 1-2 mistakes. That was fine – no, that was great. My son did all right. But he still wanted to know what causes bacterial infection. That’s Caehl – he has to know the rationale, the root cause of anything and he’ll be ok.

Looking back, whenever my children get sick, I realized I am not really the nursing kind of mom. My daughter Caitlin even accused me once of not caring, or not showing that I care. It’s just that I am the type of mom who acts on the problem right away; it’s what you call “hindi ma-nene.” I would contact their doctors immediately and get things done – have them checked up, buy meds, ask them what they want to eat, tell them to rest and sleep. Maybe I lack the qualities of a caregiver, that’s why I didn’t go into health care, I am not cut out to be a nurse. While I do worry a lot, it’s how things work for me. And that’s who I am, and that’s my way of showing I care. Even in the workplace, while a meeting is going on regarding a project, nasa implementation mode na ko agad. I think it was my former boss Ma’am Myrna, who used to describe my working style as “aksyon agad.”

Maybe it’s because when I myself get sick, I don’t expect people to fuss over me. I’m ok, I can take care of myself. I know what to do. My body is my accountability. Or better yet, I don’t really show that I don’t feel well. Moms don’t get that much privilege. Even if we are sick, we still tackle our tasks like we’re not. Sometimes, I don’t know if I should be flattered that they think I’m a superwoman - invincible and powerful. I remember the time when I wasn’t speaking during dinner because I was having dysmenorrhea, and Caitilin and I had a fight. “Anak, hindi ba pwedeng tumahimik lang muna?” Short of saying, Can’t I be left alone for once? Don’t I have the right to be not ok? Can’t I be sick? That’s why I appreciate it greatly when in fairness, they give me space when I have migraine attacks or PMS, or when I simply want to sleep. I overheard Nanay Ev and Caehl one time. “Caehl, don’t disturb your mom. She might have a headache.” And Caehl replied, “No, she’s fine, she’s just sleeping.”

At the end of the day, we all have our own way of showing how we care for others. You may be the hug and physical touch type; some may do it by words of affirmation; others through quality time spent; while some, by acts of service – like me. Or it can be a combination of any of these things.

When I do things for you, even without your telling me, that’s my way of showing I love you. I am on my best mode when I am doing something for someone, and I love it when I do something for people without being asked or told. You don’t have to tell me, I just get things done – especially when I have to do things that I don’t like doing, but I still do it just the same - all out of love. And I will do it over and over again.

~TheGoodGirl

Stuck In Love

“I don't want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.”

― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

In the movie Stuck in Love (2012), Samantha the daughter (Lily Collins) is a cynic when it comes to love. “If love is setting a place at the table for someone who is never coming home, I think I'll pass,” she said.

What is it about love that brands hopeless romantics as fools, and those who avoid it all costs, as realists? Why is love often associated with hurt and hearts breaking, and not with happiness and hope?

Some of my single female friends seem to have given up on love, and on finding the One. Sometimes you have to make things happen. Who said it’s illegal for a girl to make the first move and let a guy know how she feels? I remember telling someone that I am a person who is not and will never be afraid of love. Back then, if I liked someone or fell for a guy, I would let him know – even if it means taking the risk of being rejected (i.e. if he didn’t like me back). But what about if he does/did, and all he needed was a push, or a bit of encouragement? Of course, not all of them succumbed to my charms, but most of them did. Quite a gamble, I must say, but what about if I just waited and he didn’t make the first move at all? Sayang ang panahon, I would always say. Sayang ang panahon when we could already be together, making memories of our own, instead of just waiting and wishing and dreaming and hoping.

Yes, love is complicated. It’s not all about thrills and whistles, and bells and chimes. It’s not always mutual or reciprocated, or being loved in return.  Sometimes, it being the source of your happiness is also the same source of pain and sadness. Love sometimes does not have to be raucous. It’s not all about noise and excitement, one that comes with a town crier, or a music band. Sometimes, there’s a calm kind of love, the kind that just quietly seeps in, during your unguarded moments, and before you know it, it’s there - when you least expect it. Sometimes, love takes time and effort. If you don’t take action, nothing will happen. Yet sometimes, you don’t have to look for love, it is right there all along. Sometimes, love does not have to be a show, or a performance. Just a look, a touch, a smile, a comfortable silence - no words are necessary. Sometimes, it comes once, if you are lucky enough. But there are second chances, and third, and fourth, before you hit the jackpot. Sometimes, it never comes at all.

There are pains inasmuch as there are gains. There are happy endings, inasmuch as there are sad endings. And there are no 'forevers' inasmuch as there are 'happily ever afters'. And only when you come to terms with its complexities in all its forms that you learn to love, lose, live, leave, let go and laugh.

Read more in my previous blog A Face in the Crowd http://therealgoodgirl.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-face-in-crowd.html

~TheGoodGirl