Third Eye

---The Sixth Sense, 1999


I see dead people

I see them all the time

They are everywhere.

They haunt me

They keep coming back

For what, I do not know.

What they want from me, I do not know.

They are ghosts from the past

Of people rising from their graves

Where I have (or at least I thought I have) buried them a long time ago.

Ghosts whose memories are too painful to bear

And too distressing that I died along with them.

Some of them passed on from natural causes,

While I murdered quite a few.

I killed them so I could move on

And allow myself to live.

Some of them are resting peacefully now

While a few have remained hovering over me,

Disturbing me.

Or perhaps they do not know that they are dead.

I see them now

Even if I try to close that eye

They scare me sometimes

No, a lot of times,

Scared of them hurting me again

Scared of myself

Loving them again.


Rest in peace.

~TheGoodGirl

Of Blessings and Lessons - and Death

Death is an event no one is ever prepared for.

When something dies, like love and relationships, part of me dies along with it. Yet it is something that happens or has to happen or something that I allow to happen for me to continue to be alive, ironic it may seem.

Friendship to me is a big thing. I don’t have a single best friend or BFF. I don’t have someone who plays that specific role. BUT I do have friends, and I love them dearly, regardless of the role they play or are playing in my life.

I believe in the saying that friendship transcends time and distance. There are people whom I have known all my life. And some of them have stayed as friends through the years. From the time we were thin, shy, and oblivious to the world around us to the time we had menstruation and pimples, swooned over Bagets, Menudo, and Tom Cruise and rejected by crushes, up to the time we chose our college courses, found the loves of our lives and raised our own families. We still have each other. And I know that I will always have them. Even though everything has changed over the years, each time we are together, it feels like nothing has changed. Thank you, Regal Babies and my Licean kumpares and kumares.

I also believe that there's a kind of friendship that even though you rarely see each other, like once a year perhaps, it is not an issue. Iba ang may tunay na pinagsamahan. This holds true for my college barkada. There were years when we would get together at least once a month or when one of us celebrates his/her birthday or a milestone. But in the past two or three years, this has been reduced to just every Christmas. Then again, it doesn’t matter. Because I know that despite distance and the fact that we have other friends, we would always have each other. I am proud of them and their achievements in their chosen field. Bigtime ang friends ko, this is one successful group, but walang yabangan, walang paistaran. Da Punks wuz here. And my USTe family.

I don’t agree that you couldn't have good friends in the workplace. They say it’s a jungle out there. But there are gems along the way. And I was fortunate to find people who would always be there for me, and likewise, I will always be there for them when they need me, and even if they don’t. They know when to be a colleague, and when to be a friend. For that, I thank you Insular friends with special mention to Sizzling Bopiz. No matter how many times I fall, you have never judged me and you have accepted me as I am. Kahit minsan, gusto ninyong iuntog ang ulo ko sa pader. We have different personalities, and sometimes we don’t agree on things, and sometimes we rant, but we always listen to each other out of respect and genuine care. Even though we are busy and occupied with work, we are always in touch and text/Viber exchanges are enough. We know how to have fun, and at the same time, we know when to get serious. We know the word “damayan.” When one is down, we lift up each other’s spirits. The workplace is not a hopeless place, and we found love in it. Cheesyyyyyyy.

• Friends should be proud of each other. If you are my friend, I am not ashamed to be seen with you or for people to know that we are friends. I can tag you in Facebook, you can see me in my worst, you can see me crazy, and you will never make me takwil. If you did something great, I am proud of you and I will say it. If you did something not-so-great, I will give you advice if you ask for it, I will never judge you or take that holier-than-thou stance.
• Real ones make time for you, no terms and conditions. Kung ayaw, maraming dahilan. I am not like that, except if there’s a real major reason or life-and-death situation that I cannot be there. For me, you don’t give a limit on what you can do or can’t do for a person who’s supposed to be your friend. Kung ibang tao yan, pwede. Eh friend mo nga di ba? You have each other’s back, ika nga. Just like soldiers who protect each other from the enemy. You look out for each other. Hindi pwedeng for good times ka lang nandun. Hindi pwedeng pag gusto mo lang, or if it's convenient for you.
• Real ones care and they know when you need them, even if you don’t tell them, or show it.
• You don’t have to beg for friendship. It should be voluntary, given willingly. You cannot force friendship. If you have to force it, then it’s not friendship.
• Friends may sometimes hurt each other, but not all the time. You can be honest and open, and candid, or brutally frank, and sometimes the truth hurts. But you don’t hurt a friend intentionally. At paulit-ulit.
• Friends make mistakes. But you own up to your mistakes, apologize and you never do it again. You don’t justify your actions, or make excuses.
• Friends are blessings, not a burden. Hindi dapat mabigat dalhin, even if sometimes may problems or heavy stuff. Share-A-Load.
• Friends are not simply textmates or chatmates. There should be a face behind it. If you have to make excuses when a friend asks to see you, ano ka virtual friend? Or online friend lang? It’s 2015, hindi na uso ang penpal at phonepal, no?
• Friends listen to each other. It’s not a one-way thing or a monopoly. Hindi pwedeng ikaw lang ang nagsasalita palagi and you don’t hear out the other person. Na ikaw lang ang palaging tama. Or palaging may katwiran. Friends may not often agree on everything. Friends may fight, or have tampuhans or misunderstandings. Tao lang eh. And you don’t have to be on the same page all the time. May PMS. May mood swings. Bad trip. Busy. May problema. Kahit nga kambal, magkaibang tao at personality. But at the end of the day, you accept those differences, and you understand where they came from. Two-way nga eh. Hindi mo ipipilit na ikaw ang tama. You may have the last say on the issue, or pwedeng sya. But again, bottomline, hindi masama ang loob ninyo sa resulta.
• Friends help you grow. They help you learn. Friends are wonderful experiences in one’s life. If it is hollow or what you have lacks substance, it is not friendship.
• Friends are family. They are brothers and sisters from another mom. If you have to treat them differently, then you should think again. Hindi ka tunay na kaibigan if you treat a friend like ‘others.’ If you have to put on a different face, or a different personality when you are with them or when you talk to them, you are not a friend. Ikaw ay isang artista. Or isang japeyk.

Having said all these, you must have surmised that there was a recent death. Or well, I thought that was a friendship. I guess I was too dumb to believe that such friendship existed. I genuinely cared and I gave my all. But in the end, I felt I was forcing it, or I was forcing myself. The other party’s definition of friendship does not jive with mine. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I gave too much. Maybe ako ang mali. Oo, ako na. When the hurting happens over and over again, it is no longer healthy. When several chances are given and it doesn't work out, it's ok to give up. Sometimes you have had enough. And it’s best to call it quits. True, there’s hinayang on your part. But some things are not meant to be. Some things have to end – like love and relationships.

I wish you well.

~TheGoodGirl

Hello, February

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said...

And never explained.

And suddenly it’s mid-February.

I was alarmed when I visited my blog and realized I haven’t written since December, saying goodbye to 2014. Where did the time go? Anyare???

Let me see…in January, I got to see my high school batch mates (Liceo de San Pedro 1988)  in Hilda’s Luntiang Republika farm in Alfonso, Cavite. It was my first time to see Luz again, who’s been in Australia for a long time. It was as if nothing has changed. Two weeks later, I got reunited with my long-lost high school Statistics teacher, Sir Ven. It was great to see him after, what, more than 20 years. He’s still the same charming, generous, light-hearted teacher of mine. I got through Statistics, finding it easier than Geometry (which I almost flunked). Mean, median, mode. Frequency. Range. Sheez.  Being young, he was able to relate with us teenagers, tolerating our kakulitan, crushes, and childish ways. I remember buying this kind of paper used for this subject, which comes with either green or orange grid. Anyway, I’m glad it’s over now. I am not a numbers person and I will never be one.

Thank you, Sir Ven. I will see you again. I won’t forget the naughty sparkle in your eyes, when you teased me how spoiled I am by my husband. He said my energy matches, or balances my husband’s silent (or serious) demeanor.

In January, too, my daughter Cae started working. Oh my. I am now a mom to a working girl. At the start, she would complain about her (night) shift (her work hours until Feb something are 9pm-6am). She leaves the house around 6pm and gets to the office past 8pm. She gets home past 7am. She said she would die. Nak, don’t complain na, I told her. Ganyan talaga ang nagtratrabaho. Gusto mong magtrabaho eh. If anyone who works just mysteriously dies, I would have died a long time ago. I have tasted working since I was 17. And I am still as healthy as a horse. When she got her first paycheck, she gave me her ATM receipt. So this is how it feels. She still makes us proud, this daughter of mine. She says she has ranked first in the assessments twice in a row. I hope she keeps this up. Her dad says we have to keep on inspiring and coaching her, so she doesn’t get discouraged. Kuya Pogi, you’re in this, too. Thank you for being patient with her.

We were also lucky to have my Kuya spending the holidays with us. It’s been a year since he started working abroad. And for someone like me who’s glued to her siblings, being apart from him is really a big thing. I miss my Kuya a lot. On the day he was going back to the US, I was talking to him over the phone and it was difficult to fight away the tears. Take care always, Kuya. I love you so much.

Next is Caehl who topped the Spelling Bee and Quiz Bee for the Grades 1-3 level. Not that we were surprised. Stock knowledge, mommy, he would tell me. When his dad asked him, “Caehl, what were the words that were difficult to spell?” He said, “Uhmm, none.” He’s not being mayabang, mind you. He does not brag, he is just being himself. He thinks everyone thinks the same way like him. He thinks it’s normal to know about a lot of things. As a reward, he just asked for a lunch at Shakeys, a book and a DQ treat.

San Miguel Beermen finally got a championship. My Spiderman Arwind Santos was the Finals MVP.

Last month, too, I stood as one of the principal sponsors  in the wedding of my inaanak sa binyag, Kevin. He is my first godson. I remember it was after my college graduation in 1992. And it really was an honor and a pleasure to be invited as his ninang again.

In the workplace, it was nice to bond with my Sales and Marketing Group colleagues in Pico de Loro. Even though we were not able to enjoy the facilities owing to our hectic schedule (sayang ang bathing suit na dala ko), it was great to be in a carpool with 3 guys - Sir Rey, Bong and Marc. I was the only girl. We had a blast talking about ex’s. Walang laglagan, Sir Rey. Promise. But I had to share a question posed to me: Bakit nga ba kayong girls, ayaw ninyo kaming payagan kapag alam ninyong andun ang ex namin. Pero kayo, ok lang sa amin na pumunta kayo, kahit andun ang ex ninyo. Bakit nga ba? Hmmmmmm

I also celebrated my 19^th anniversary with the Company. Yes, 19 years. I love Insular Life. Need I say more?

As an update, I tip the scale at 118 lbs as we speak. What a journey it has been really. From 127 lbs to as heavy as 131 lbs in 2013 to early 2014. Then in the 2nd half of the year, I was down to 122...to 120. Aside from taking small meals, I quit drinking 3-in-1 coffee. I have an exercise routine. And there's CarbTrim. You may refer to my previous blog The Weighing Game on my weight loss story.

And now, it’s mid-February. I have been praying for something for the longest time. He Up there has not given in, and He has not given it to me. Maybe not yet. Or maybe not ever. I don’t know. It’s up to Him. He knows my heart’s desires but He also knows what’s good for TheGoodGirl.

At any rate, I hope things will be greater, not only for this month but for the entire year. 

~TheGoodGirl