The Weighing Game

My daughter has always been an attention-getter. When she walks by, people would really notice her and stare at her with no effort from her at all. Laging pinagkakaguluhan - supermarket, donut shop, name it. She’s not really what you call “beautiful beautiful”, but she knows how to highlight her assets, has grown in the right places and has this effect on you, especially on boys. Her Dad and I would always kid her, “Para kaming alalay mo,” whenever we are walking together.

Perhaps that has been my greatest motivation in finally trying to lose weight. Not that I didn't feel good about myself. To begin with, I have a small built. Two pregnancies and perhaps, my being a couch potato and my laziness, account for the excess weight. For the past year or so, I have been on a no-rice diet but I am not sure if it did anything to me. I didn't want people to say, “Mommy nya yun?” in a tone that seems to mean, “Bakit hindi niya kamukha?” or “Bakit hindi maganda?” And when they see Alex, they would conclude, “Ah, nagmana pala sa daddy niya.” Hey, my daughter looks like me. But if I keep looking like this, they won't see that. This is my fear. Enough said.

I retained rice during breakfast, and would eat only a little during lunch and dinner. There would be cheat days, of course. But I also added exercise to my evening routine. Lunges, crunches, sit-ups and push-ups. I gave up 3-in-1 coffee as I was told they contain a lot of calories. But I still do take tea sometimes, and pineapple juice, and water with lemon or cucumber. I am addicted to sodas, but I think I can curb the addiction a bit.

After a while, I felt the difference. From a large size, I am now down to medium. And from 131 lbs, I am now 122. Although my waistline has become smaller, I still have this tummy. So I’m working on it, and on my arms. I’ve always been proud of my pair of legs. And even if my skin is not that flawless, it’s clear and fair. "Mommy, paliit ka na nang paliit," Alex would tell me everyday. At 43, I am happy with how I look and how people would tell me that I don’t look my age. Thank you so much. I hope you’re not just teasing me.

Parang sister mo lang si Cae. Objective achieved. At least, something is happening here. I can now wear the clothes I like, eat what I like, and I think that when I am with Cae, I would also get a few second glances and can still turn heads. And when they say, “Mommy nya yun?” I hope it’s said in awe and admiration – and could evoke inspiration. #MayIgagandaPaPala #PushPa

Words from TheGoodGirl: Kaleidoscope / Roller Coaster

KALEIDOSCOPE
As you rotate the kaleidoscope
The objects shift
And the reflection changes,
Moving from one pattern to another.
Just like the emotions you evoke in me -
One second the colors are bright
Only to darken the next.
I am helpless.

ROLLER COASTER
Like a roller coaster ride
My world goes up and down
In your hand.
You lift me high
Only to bring me down.
The loops
Twists and turns
Free falls
You take me
In an exhilarating ride
Then bring it to a stop
I don't know why.

~TheGoodGirl

Images from: http://gregegan.customer.netspace.net.au/images/Kaleidoscope.gif
http://stopsellingvanillaicecream.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Roller-Coaster.jpg

Words from TheGoodGirl: Memory Jars

Inside my mind
And heart,
There is a library of memories.

The memories are contained in jars,

Categorized into years

And persons.

There are memories

(or years or persons)

That I choose not to remember at all.

They’re in the shadowy recesses of my mind,

Like dark aisles in a library.

I keep them there as I don’t want to be reminded

Of experiences or moments

That were humiliating,

Frightening,

Hurting
Heartbreaking.

Such memories, unfortunately, never leave.

They just stay in our consciousness:

A person of the past

Death

A failed relationship

Insecurity or fear...

And you just push the jars back.

In a visit to the library,
I recently opened one,

Without realizing the consequences.

The memories rushed out,

Like a flood.

I was not able to control the outpour,

I was carried away

And got lost.

Yet after the initial deluge,

I sifted the experiences
And as I go through each moment,

All I could do was to stop and stare in awe,

And remember (everything) in wonder.

Yes, you are here again

And I'm back to square one now.

I opted to replace the lid

And close the jar,

Returning it to where it belongs – the past.

Yet I am setting aside another empty jar 

Waiting for you to fill it up again.

This time,

With forever.

~TheGoodGirl

Birthday Blog from TheGoodGirl

When I was a kid, I used to look forward to Mr. Postman delivering my birthday cards from my grandparents and aunt in the US. My lola and Mama Baybee never failed to send me one. Sometimes, there would be a dollar inside - such heartwarming childhood memories that will stay forever in my heart.

Then when the mobile phone era came, I would wait for my papa’s all-caps birthday SMS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANAK. LOVE, PAPA AND MAMA. After hearing Mass, I would call them up to thank them - for my life and for all the love. And there would always be tears in my eyes afterwards.

It has become an annual tradition – this birthday blog of mine. Every year, the things that I am thankful for are piling up, and the things that I want or wish for are getting fewer.  It’s not that I have much, I don’t. It’s just that when you get older, you know what really matters (like the dollars, joke) and what doesn't (anymore).

Once again (pardon the litany), thank You Lord:

• For 43 wonderful years - There were rough and sad times, but they made me a stronger person. The happy times made me softer. Thank You for the highs and the lows. The good times and the bad. I am what I am now because of these. Thank you Lord for the gifts and talents that I continue to share with others.
• For my papa and mama - I hope I have become the person you wanted me to be. I miss you Papa. Mama, your voice over the phone is enough.
• For my 2 Cs - Caitlin and Caehl, you are my priceless gems and you always bring me so much happiness. A mom can’t ask for anything more.
• For The Squids - You are simply the best. No words come close enough.
• For my niece, nephews and grand-niece – You are our pride and joy.
• For my relatives who are always at our side - for better or worse.
• For my in-laws - Thank you for being good to me.
• For my “angels” Ev and Novy – Thank you for making my life easier so I can perform my job better.
• For Insular Life - You have given me so much. I am giving it back to you. Thank you to my Insular Life family as well.  I love birthday leaves.
• For my friends – Thank you for always being there, regardless of distance and time zone. High school. College. Office. Neighborhood. FB. Thicker waistlines, creases and wrinkles and domestic problems and all.
• For those who are not in my litany – You are not in the list - but in my heart. I simply cannot have everything. But I am grateful for the little infinity. Perhaps in another lifetime. I will always be here. That’s all.
• For Alex - Here’s to the snow that sometimes comes down in June, and the sun that sometimes goes 'round the moon. Save the best for last, Dad.

My day has just begun, and there’s an outpour of birthday greetings – Facebook, Twitter, SMS, Viber, and even Instagram, since last night. Thank you. I feel so blessed and loved and appreciated. I can’t ask for more. It’s just too much. Maybe I really have done something good to deserve it.

But I want more Louis Vuitton and Longchamp bags, and Havaianas slippers. I am a girl, after all.

Thank you from The(one and only)GoodGirl.

No Pain, No Gain

“Pain is easy to write. In pain we're all happily individual. But what can one write about happiness?”

― Graham Greene, The End of the Affair

Sadness they say is a great motivator, especially for writers. So, does it mean that when I don’t write or when I couldn't write, I’m happy? Do I have to be in pain to write?

Sometimes I do get writer’s block. I am just a mortal. While there are so many things going on and happening inside my head, I can’t seem to put it all down in writing. That’s why sometimes I resort to Facebook or Twitter when I just have to share it, and I don’t have enough time to blog. Sometimes, I lose a lot of beautiful gems of thought and sentiment along the way, as they end up in a black hole. Sometimes, I have incomplete or unfinished entries. What started out as a nice promising blog would be just a paragraph or two, the inspiration already missing and cannot be found even if I go back to it.

But sadness (or lack of it) has nothing to do with it. Maybe when I’m sad, words come easily, driven by the pain or the emotions involved. And the tendency is to share that feeling to other people who would care to listen and sympathize, to lessen the pain a bit. If it demands to be felt, then it needs to be shared. To allow other people to learn from that pain, or gain something from the experience. Why not, Oprah Winfrey advised us to turn our wounds into wisdom, didn't she?

Writing when you’re happy is another story. For one, when you are happy and you want to share that happiness, sometimes you run the risk of rubbing some people the wrong way. They might accuse you of gloating, or making yabang instead of inspiring them or making them feel happy for you. I have seen a lot of posts / statuses in Facebook where the person shows off a relationship, a job, an achievement, or acquisition, and more often than not, the feelings he / suhe has evoked from his / her audience are probably not the desired one.

“Yabang naman.”

“Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa iyo.”

“Ikaw na!”

 “Siksik, liglig, nag-uumapaw ka na sa blessings, tirhan mo naman kami.”

“Neseye ne eng lehet.”

So is it easier then to gain sympathy when you’re bleeding, than win approvals when you’re on top of the world?

You be the judge.

~TheGoodGirl

The pain that won’t go away

Image from http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/p/keep-calm-and-enter-the-red-room-of-pain/

Sometimes there’s an ache that’s not physical but you can almost feel it just the same. And it won’t disappear.  It won’t go away.

Sometimes the pain is called love. The kind that is not reciprocated. The kind that is oh so one way or one-sided. The kind that is unrequited. The kind that is not appreciated by the recipient.

In a previous blog, when my daughter Caitlin was younger, I wrote that I dreaded the day she falls in love and feels the first pain.

Just over lunch yesterday, I was standing by the pantry window and joked that I would stay there until my Prince Charming comes along.  And they said that I would probably wait there for a long time. Moral: Ang hirap maghintay ng Prince Charming talaga.

Why is love so elusive? What makes it elusive? And even if you have found it, sometimes it turns out that it’s not meant for you. And it’s even more heartbreaking - knowing that you can’t have the person. I think it was James Patterson who wrote that “What’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?” 

But someone else put it perfectly. “A person doesn't know true hurt and suffering until they've felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere.”

And meanwhile, a teen actress said, “Love should be precious, not painful.”

Sometimes, in my Facebook newsfeed, I see posts which one can easily decode as the person “being in love” and I would tell myself,  “Naku, masasaktan lang ito.”

• Hindi ka niya type.
• Friend-zoned.
• He/she doesn’t see you as anyone except as a friend.
• Parang kayo pero parang hindi.  
• Parang gusto ka niya pero parang hindi.
• Gusto ka niya pero hindi puwede.
• Minsan gusto ka niya, pero madalas hindi.
• Akala mo lang gusto ka niya.
• He/she likes you but he/she has someone else. 
• Or he/she likes somebody else.
• May iba na siya.
• He/she only remembers you when he/she needs something.
• Back-up ka lang. Reserba. Sideline. Raket.
• Ayaw ka na niya. Dati, oo. Ngayon, hindi na.
• Hindi talaga ubra. Hindi talaga puwede. Kahit pagbali-baligtarin mo man ang mundo.

There are pains that just won’t go away. And you are left with two choices. Accept that they have no (medical) treatments and

1. make them go away by walking away or
2. endure the pain.

It’s really up to you.

Because, as said in the novel Kill me Softly, “…if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”

~TheGoodGirl

Author's Disclaimer: I just write about love and relationships. Please don't ask if this is about me :)

You may want to read:

http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/122790

http://pamski71.bravejournal.com/entry/16800

Street Smart

We finally had Kikay back.

As you may know, our beautiful 10-year old ruby red Honda City was hit by a Ford Escape last June 21, just a few streets from ours. It was a good thing that no one was hurt when it happened. Everything was taken care of the Escape’s owner (a multinational company whose insurance provider made it possible for the repair shop to pick up Kikay from our house). Except for the trip to the police station on that fateful afternoon, and Alex picking it up last July 12 from Sta. Rosa, we did not lift a finger – thank God.

It left us carless for three weeks, though. Going home, I don’t really care much about commuting because I am used to it. But going to the office in the morning, it’s really an effort on my part. It takes 45 minutes vs my usual 15 minutes as I have to take 2 rides - tricycle and van. Plus waiting time until the van is full. Plus traffic along Canlalay (Biñan) going to SLEX. Plus smoke (and gasoline smell) getting in my hair and on my skin. Plus having to pack my heeled shoes along, and just wear flats on my way to the office.

Someone thought it might be a good source for new adventures for the TheGoodGirl. On my first few days, though, everyone in the van seemed to be asleep, and I was the only one who was up and restless. If this is the way things would go, I don’t have a tale to tell, I thought. But it seems that I am really a “story magnet”. There were stories and adventures to share, after all. 

Usually, I would catch the 630-645am trip, and more often than not, it would have the same set of passengers. Including two officemates. There’s this girl with her yaya (although the latter looks like an aunt) who at first would pay for fare for two, but later on, when it increased from Php45 to Php50, kandong na lang. I was beside them one time and the girl was kind of “malikot”. Her feet were up the whole time and I was afraid her rubber shoes would smear my light-colored dress. Moral: Don’t wear dumihin dresses when commuting. Para walang sisihan.

And there’s this man beside me who was paying for his fare, and he said he’s a senior citizen. The driver said, “Ows, di nga?” 

Pinatulan naman niya ang driver. 

“Oo, 60 na ako.” 

The driver replied, “Parang hindi naman halata. Parang 59 lang.” 

Tuwang-tuwa naman si Mr. Senior Citizen. 

LOL I was like, pati pala guys share this age joke among themselves. 

The same driver said, “Magtataas na po kami sa July 7 ha.” 

Mr. Senior Citizen asked me, “Kailan daw?” 

“Sa July 7 daw po,” I replied. “Sa Monday.” 

After a while, he asked for the time. “May 7(am) na ba?” 

I said, “Wala pa po, quarter to seven pa lang.” 

Then he laughed. 

I was puzzled, may nakakatawa kaya sa sinabi ko? O natural comedienne lang talaga ako? Hindi po ako si Gina, si Karen po.

Meanwhile...During our tricycle ride one morning, after dropping off Alex in the nearest shuttle station, I was surprised because the driver recognized me. 

“Ma’am, kumusta na po kotse ninyo?” He said he was there when the accident happened. So for the next 5 minutes, we were having a conversation, and I kind of enjoyed it.

Then, another morning, the tricycle driver was talking to the girl at the back ride. 

"College ka na ba?” he asked.  

I think the girl replied that she was going to Malayan Colleges (Cabuyao, Laguna). 

For the next ten minutes or so, I was listening to his “words of wisdom”. 

“Pano ang schedule mo? “Anong oras ka na nakakauwi?” 

Don’t worry about his questions. I didn’t think he’s a bad guy. Parang father-like lang. 

“Magkano tuition nyo?” “Magkano baon mo?” "Tapos, pagkain pa.” 

I couldn’t hear the girl’s reply over the vroom-vroom sounds. 

Then he said, “Ah ganun? Tapos wawalanghiyain lang ng iba ang magulang (nila).” 

He advised the girl to study hard and finish her schooling. “Mahirap (ang) hindi nagtapos ng pag-aaral.”

See, so you believe me now?

Jo, you were right. There was so much to write about and share. All you have to do is listen. I can’t say I’m missing my morning commuting days, but it was fun, too, while it lasted. Here’s to more tales and adventures of TheGoodGirl! Cheers to the commuting public!

~TheGoodGirl