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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Goodbye, 2014

If loving you was a mistake,
Then it is my most favorite mistake.
If you are a "regret",
Then you are my most favorite regret.
---TheGoodGirl, 2014



My 2014 has been kaleidoscopic. So many colors, so many designs. There were bright hues, and then there were dark ones. There were clear patterns, and then there were cluttered ones.

At the same time, it has been like a roller coaster ride. There were times when my world was up, and then down. Sometimes the lows would outnumber the highs. Sometimes, it would just go on and on, and then would stop.


I lost a lot - time, words, opportunities, people. And I went through a lot.

At the end of the day, the colorful patterns shifted to reveal meaningful lessons and learnings. I am humbled by the loops, twists and turns, and free falls. I have fallen a lot of times, and then would gather the strength again to stand up. The pains and losses and rejections I encountered along the way have contributed to the person I am now. While I don't claim to be stronger and smarter, I still believe in love and in the power of the heart to mend, to heal itself after being broken, and in its capacity to forgive and forget, and to withstand sadness, distress, grief. And I still believe in all things good and beautiful. Hope is a good thing. And it is a beautiful thing to hold on to.


Goodbye, 2014. What a ride it was. What a kaleidoscope it was. I am leaving everything behind, with hope, with love, with all my heart.

Like Ellie (Jodie Foster) in the movie Contact (1997), "I can't explain it, but I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever. I wish I could share that... I wish, that everyone, if only for one... moment, could feel... that awe, and humility, and hope. But... That continues to be my wish."


Happy New Year to all my blog followers! May the year 2015 be a better one for all of us.

~TheGoodGirl

Monday, December 15, 2014

Always In His Time

“Do you ever wonder why things have to turn out the way they do?”
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember



Someone said, "Always ask the questions you want to, life is too short to know if you'll get a second chance to ask..."

Indeed, life is filled with unanswered questions, and I have always been told that I couldn't ever have all the answers. Sometimes, things happen and you ask God why. Why He allowed it to happen, why He didn’t. Why it happened to you. Why you. The answers are not readily given to you. In the meantime, there’s pain. There’s sorrow. You mourn. You are discouraged. You are afraid. You are angry.

People always say that God works in the strangest of ways. He makes all things beautiful in His time. He answers prayers in His time, and His answers always come at the most perfect time. In time, things will unfold right before you and you will understand, and accept. And move on.

When my father died 4 years ago, I asked the same questions. Why, Lord? Why my Papa? We could have spent more years together.

When things didn’t go as I wanted them to be, it was the same. Why, Lord? Why can’t it be? Didn't I pray hard enough? Didn’t I work for it hard enough? I prayed to You earnestly, why didn’t You hear me? Why didn’t I get what I asked for?

True, whatever your questions are, the answers don’t come right away. And meanwhile, you mope around, trying to cope. There’s sadness. There’s depression. There’s anger.

But eventually, the reasons why things happened that way unfurl. Sometimes, you don’t see them immediately. Sometimes, you need to look back and analyze. There is a time for all things, if you didn’t get what you asked for during the time you prayed for it. Sometimes, the answer is no. And there is a reason for that. Some things are just not meant to be, and just not meant for you. There are other things in store for you. Maybe some people are not meant to be in your life, no matter how much you want them to be. God has other plans for you. And then comes understanding. And acceptance. 

If it’s meant to be, it will be. And what’s meant to be will always find a way.

Dear God,
I have tried my best.
But Your plans are better than my dreams.

~TheGoodGirl

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I love the darkness,
It hides my pain.
I love the rain,
It washes away my tears.
-TheGoodGirl, 2014

You can erase someone from your mind
Getting them out of your heart is another story.


Is there a quick way to totally wipe someone out of your memory?

In the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) starring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, someone invented a process of erasing all your memories of a certain person or relationship. And you’re good to go, no excess baggage, nothing at all.

It must be awesome to be able to do that. In time, really, you can forget a person, even the feeling. This is always possible. But I guess, what everyone wants is an instant eraser, one that can help you forget right away.

And since we’re on the subject, can I wish for the following, too?

1. An Instant Eraser – like a whiteboard eraser, or a delete button which wipes away all bad and painful memories. Picture the eraser tool in Paint or Photoshop...you can use this to get rid of the pain and all those experiences, feelings, images you want to delete from your memory...sort of a tool or instrument for selective amnesia. You just use the eraser and yes, no more tears.

2. Life remote control – I don’t know if Cae remembers this conversation years ago. "Mom, wouldn't it be nice if you have a life fast forwarder or a rewinder?" she asked. "What for?" I asked back. "So you can fast forward your life or rewind it according to your preference," she replied. I laughed, "Then there's no ending at all, Cae," I told her. "People will forever be fast forwarding and rewinding their lives."

Seriously, wouldn't it be great if you could go back to a certain period in your life or go forward to skip the parts you don't like - with the help of your very own remote control? If something sucks or you just can't wait for tomorrow, fast forward. If you want to go back to yesterday to undo or redo things, or to just relive good experiences, rewind. Well, the catch of course is that, there might be no ending to your story, as I've told Cae. "Today" may soon be extinct as there would only be yesterdays and tomorrows.

3. Duplicator - remember the movie Multiplicity (1996)?  This Duplicator can create another you or as many “you’s” as you can, so you could be in multiple places at one time. You can be at home and in the office at the same time. You can be with your kids and at the same time, be in another place. You can be in a romantic get-away with your partner with no worry that you're neglecting your job or household chores because you are also at the office or home. But this Duplicator should come out with the very same you, no "plus" or "minus", meaning your clone should be the exact you, unlike the ones in the movie when each duplicate of Michael Keaton turns out to be worse than the other, a poorer copy of the one before him.

4. Emotional Anesthesia – this can be brought about by a powerful gel or fluid or a pill which doesn’t have to be administered by a licensed anesthesiologist for you to be able to feel no pain; pain caused by a break-up, a separation, an unrequited love, anything that has anything to do with emotional pain. You just apply it or drink it (dosage depending on the seriousness of the situation), then you would feel no more pain. Somebody broke your heart? Someone made you a fool? Somebody didn’t love you back? Somebody doesn’t want you back? No problem! The pain will go away in no time, my dear.

Now who wants any of the above?

~TheGoodGirl

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

If there are things better left unsaid, Love is not among them


Michael: Kimmy says if you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just...
Juliane: Passes you by...
-My Best Friend’s Wedding, 1997


Papa has always looked forward to getting a planner from me every December. As soon as my allocation from the office has been delivered to me, I would give mine to him. Mama said it was where she would (help him) mark his appointments, court appearances, and meetings. He would receive planners from other people, but he would always prefer using mine. Until 2010, when he passed away.

It’s been four years. And I miss him so. Weeks ago, when I got my planner and calendars, it was him whom I first thought about.

After he left, I found it difficult to write about him and his death, how it affected me, how it bugged me and how it continues to bug me up to this point. I was never able to tell him how much I love him when he was in the emergency room and still conscious, and when he was transferred to another hospital. I did not know that after he was wheeled inside the CT scan room, I will never be able to talk to him again. Of course, even if he was unconscious, we would take turns whispering to him, praying for him. But that was different. For me, it was too late. How I wish I could turn back the time, and tell him things I wasn’t able to say. I know he knew that I love him, but sometimes love is better said and heard. If there are things better left unsaid, I believe that love is an exception.

In this fast-paced and harried life of ours, we tend to forget to tell our loved ones how we feel about them. And sometimes, we even forget the actual feeling, as we are occupied with work, studies, problems, and stuff. We take them for granted. Sometimes we forget to express our appreciation to them for helping us, for taking care of us, for loving us, and for just being there. There are so many things left unsaid, that more often than not, it’s too late to tell them – they’re already gone.

Russian novelist and writer Fyodor Dostoevsky said, “Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.”

The world is filled with unspoken words. Add no more. Maybe we should set aside some time to say what you feel and say the most important things to people who matter to you. Show them that you appreciate them, and what they do for you. Thank them. Spend time with them. And most of all, don’t forget to say you love them. Before it’s too late.

Papa, you are never gone. I love you. I miss you. And I will always be your Good Girl.

Atty. Leon Lajom Acuña
April 11, 1942 - December 11, 2010
Rest in peace...

~TheGoodGirl

Monday, November 24, 2014

A Face in the Crowd

How do you hold on to someone you've never met?
What if you found the one you were meant for... but you lived 2 years apart?
-          The Lake House (2006)


Are you looking for The One? Or are you just waiting?

This thought came to me following an encounter with a foreigner yesterday. My daughter will kill me for this. But there we were, in a bazaar stall at Festival Mall. I was chatting with my suki, Gemma, the stall owner while Cae was being attended to by the assistant, when suddenly I heard a male voice, saying, “Excuse me.”

I turned around to see a guy, perhaps in his late twenties, obviously not a Pinoy due to his looks and accent. 

He said to Cae, “Excuse me…are you single?”

Cae was taken aback. Then she replied, “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m already taken.” I’m not sure if she repeated to him what she said. We were all looking at the guy. He seemed nice, well, he didn’t look “maangas” or at least he spoke nicely.

He said, “Oh. Thank you. And…Merry Christmas.” Cae returned the greeting and he walked away. We were silent for a while. Gemma’s assistant seemed rattled, because he forgot we have not paid yet for our purchase. I told him, “Hindi pa kami bayad!” Nakakaloka, Gemma said. Later on, I asked Cae if she answered the guy in a nice way, and she said she did.

Well, as her Dad and I were discussing just the other day, we unanimously agreed that even though she’s not beautiful as in beauty queen material, Cae has always been pansinin, lapitin, tinginin. People really look at her even though she’s just passing by, even if she hasn't combed her hair, with or without make-up. Please refer to my previous blog "The Weighing Game" to understand what I mean.

The guy, to me, looked Middle East-ernish – based on his eyes, nose and color, but probably Westernized. And I have this friend who works in Saudi Arabia who told me that men from those countries are like that. When they like you, they will approach you. It’s not hard to decipher them, no second-guessing. Pag gusto ka, you will know. Unlike Pinoy guys who sometimes won’t tell you they like you. Papahirapan ka pa. Gagawin kang manghuhula. Hinahatid ka na, pinupuntahan ka sa bahay, pero wala namang sinasabi kung gusto ka. But these men, they know what they want, and they will tell you.

And so, back to my thoughts…I was telling Alex this morning that I wanted to write about it. What if…that’s the only way to meet your would-be partner in life? What if…you just have to take a risk, right on that very moment, and ask her or introduce yourself to her? What if…that’s the only chance you  can get?

And how do you pick out a face in the crowd? Obviously, there were hundreds of faces in the place yesterday, but how did the guy see Cae? How does one pick out someone? Your future partner might be right there, and you didn't know. Or maybe you already saw her, but you didn't do anything. And there would be no more second chances. The moment just…passed you by.

Unless, it was like The Lake House, as I reminded Alex. Maybe now, just like the guy, you are rejected. Or somebody beat you to it. But what if…two years later, or three, or more, you’ll meet her again, in another place, another scenario. 

In the movie The Lake House (2006, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock), Alex and Kate lived two years apart, with only a mailbox to communicate from. Because Kate is in the future, she can tell Alex to go to places she has been to look for her, and once he saw her in a train station. He knew her, but she didn't know him yet that time. 

What if…it was like that? What if a stranger comes up to you and that was just nothing for you. You just forget all about it and think nothing about it. But you didn't know he will be in your life years from now.

Or what if...a guy likes you and you don't like that guy for now. Because you have someone else. Or you like someone else. Or you're waiting for that someone else. So you're not really paying attention to this guy. What if...he's really the one for you?

Of course, I am just being romantic. But if you have not met or found your partner yet, this sounds nice. And cool. And something to look forward to. There are 8 billion people in this world, and there is only one for us, only one we will ever need. Don’t give up on love – it just moves in mysterious ways.


~TheGoodGirl

Saturday, November 22, 2014

All I Want for Christmas



It’s the time of the year again when each of us is given a sheet of paper where we write down our Christmas wish list. This gives us convenience and saves us time in shopping for gifts for the family. It assures us too that the recipient really likes (read: wants) what he or she is going to get for Christmas.

Yet, I realize that every year, it gets harder and harder. I don’t know what else I want. I find it difficult to think of things that I would like to have. Not that I already have everything. I don’t. I guess I am just a simple girl who enjoys simple things. Please don’t remind me though of my LVs, LCs and pairs of Havs – those are my addictions. And luxuries, yes. But simple things make me happy. Like hankies and make-up, and make-up kits. Or shawls, scented candles and oh my, pens and paper (notebooks, note pads, post-its).  This must have rubbed off on my son, as I saw a “2015 Diary” on his wish list. Like who else but TheGoodGirl’s son would want to have a diary for Christmas. Only Caehl.

I guess what I really want are intangible things – like love, care, hugs. Good health. peace of mind. Safety. Encouraging words, pats on the back, and jokes, laughter and giggles. Time with family, and time with friends. Support from officemates. Inspiration to keep on writing. Phone calls, texts or Viber messages from loved ones. Sticky notes on my monitor or desk. FB likes, tags, blog page views, retweets, favorites. Photos. Voices. Things that touch the heart, and deeds that make me smile. And feel appreciated.

Nothing much, really.

But yes, I do want those 3 Francis Libiran designs for Havaianas – all three of them.

~TheGoodGirl

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Words from TheGoodGirl: This Love


A love that is beyond any love
Beyond words
Beyond imagination
Beyond all truths.
A love that is unlike any other love
Incomparable
Invincible
Infinite.
One that you did not know could ever exist
And could remain after all has been said and done.
Despite all the pain
It continues to live
Even long after the heart has died.
Do you believe in such love?
I don't,
Until there was you.

~TheGoodGirl

Monday, November 10, 2014

I Write The Stories

I put the words and the melodies together
I am music and I write the songs...
-From "I Write The Songs," Barry Manilow


Photo acknowledgment: @landiandesign

Not a few ask me why I write sad pieces. “Tearjerker,” said Sir Lito. For a (supposed to be) funny girl like me, they find this perplexing.

I write about my amusing and sometimes, annoying van experiences in my Facebook account. I share them with you because some of you could relate to my stories, being regular van passengers too. These can happen anywhere, anytime, to anyone. I just capture the situations as they happened and I am glad that I can entertain you. Some of you even tell me you look forward to my adventures every day. Honestly, I don’t come looking for those stories, they come to me. I was riding with my sister once and I was just too busy chatting with her, when a passenger approached the dispatcher, “Kuya, punong-puno na po ba talaga?” We burst into laughter.

What if it’s just puno, and not punong-puno, sasakay pa ba sya? Or bakit kelangang punong-puno, hindi ba pwedeng puno lang? See, I said to Lea, hindi ko na kasalanan yan ha. Nananahimik ako dito, nilalapitan talaga ko ng istorya.

I write about my son Caehl, and the amazing stories about him. Every day, there’s a new learning from him. And every day, he never fails to amaze me. I often say he looks like his dad, but every inch of him is just like me. His hunger for knowledge, his study habits, sense of humor and comic timing.  I may not admit it, but I think his persistence came from me, too. I can be importunate, too, you know. I would never give up on something even if it hurts me. Even if everybody else has given up on me.

I write about my daughter Cae, and the tales of my being a mom to her. She is a beautiful person, inside and out. She has her temper, too, and down times, like me. But I will always be proud of her and I will always take note of the things she has achieved, which I have not.

I write about my husband, Alex – how we met, how we ended up together, and how we have spent the last 22 years of our life. Yes, we are not perfect, and we do have faults and failures as a couple. But we do celebrate our small victories, and we have stuck it out through the years. 

I write about being a daughter, and a sister. I will never run out of stories about my parents and siblings. Again, we may not be perfect but the love of this family is absolutely life’s greatest blessing to me. I am lucky to have them.

I write about being a friend. As you may know by now, I can be the most loyal person around. It’s difficult to send me away or shut me out. You may grow tired of me or refuse my love, but I will never ever leave you. I can just be a shoulder to cry on, I can listen to you without judgment, but if you ask for my opinion, I will gladly give it. If you want me to pray for you, I will. With nothing in return. Even if I am not always appreciated. That is how I am as a friend. You may be million miles away, we may not see each other that much - it does not matter. I am always here.

I write about my job and how I love the company I am working for – the many blessings I have received from it and how it loves me back. Loyalty may not always get you anywhere, but then again, I am not going anywhere.

I write about love and life’s lessons. True, they may not always be on the bright side, but that’s the way it is. If my writings make you cry, then cry. If they are sad, then maybe that’s the real picture I want to paint. Life is not always about laughter and joy. Even if we always shun negativity and sad things, they are always a part and parcel of our daily living. And we have to face that, so that we can cope and move on, go with the flow. We have to learn from our mistakes, and become better persons.

Why do people climb mountains? Because they’re there.

It’s the same thing with writers. It's how we live. And survive.

~TheGoodGirl


Thursday, November 6, 2014

Words from TheGoodGirl: Black Hole



There are things that you keep
And things that you hide.
There's a difference between the two.
I used to keep your photos
Your messages
And phone calls,
Your touch
Your voice,
And all memories of you
In a special place where I thought they should be
Where I can always peek
Or go back to anytime.
I used to keep you
In my dreams
In my heart
In my life,
Where I thought you should rightfully belong.
But there are things best hidden
Or even thrown away.
And now I have made up my mind
To put them
Where they can no longer cause pain
Bitterness
And tears.
Where I can no longer retrieve them and
Where I can no longer return.
They don't matter anymore,
The same way you don't.

~TheGoodGirl

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Letters to Juliet


In the 2010 movie Letters to Juliet (starring Amanda Seyfried and oh-so gorgeous Gael Garcia Bernal), an American girl visits Italy and discovers a letter, one of the many letters left by heartbroken people at Romeo and Juliet’s Verona courtyard. If there were such letters, I am sharing that I have my own – written by myself for myself.

Some of them are happy, optimistic – written when I was in a fantastic mood, feeling light, hopeful and joyful and enthusiastic. Then there are the typical dark, poignant ones – written when, yes, things are not doing great in my life. I don’t know which outnumbers which, but these letters are my life. And if you are able to read one or even two, you would see through my soul. And you would know the real me - the stories behind my stories, the tales behind my tales. In the same way that I (literally) talk to myself, I write to myself because I want to see the feelings, experiences in written form – which I cannot express to another person or share with someone else. And in this way, I can let it out and give it life. And yes, immortalize it. 

Sometimes, I find the courage to go back and read them again. And more often than not, when I go over the not-so-cheerful letters, I cringe, I get embarrassed, I get mad. I find some funny though, like “Was this really me at that time?” Sometimes, the feelings and memories would go back. If you refer to my blog header, that’s what I really do mostly – sit by the window, staring at nothing.

But it works both ways. The better part I guess, is reading again the other set of letters. Happiness after all is contagious. When you surround yourself with happy people, smiles, laughter, encouragement, and most especially love from your family and people that matter, you can’t go wrong. And happiness, after everything has been said and done, is a choice. We have to choose to be happy and we have to keep choosing it.



~TheGoodGirl

Monday, November 3, 2014

Regrets That You Regret Regretting

“The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.”
Fernando Pessoa



When I turned 30 last 2001, I wrote a piece entitled, “Writing 30”, which summarized my regrets in all my 30 years - things I was not able to do, my could have beens, should have beens and if onlys.

After a while, except for one, I realized that there are regrets that you regret regretting. Later on, I decided that I can live with those things undone. I can forgive myself for those lapses. And then after a while, I found out I have additional ones - things I wish I have done when I was younger, when time was on my side. And now, there's little time, and there are no more chances left.

Then there are deeds or feelings or experiences in your past that you regret doing or feeling or going through. There are things that you just wish didn't happen at all. It may be due to naivety, fake ignorance or worse, plain stupidity. You knew that they were wrong and wouldn't do any good to you, and yet, you were stubborn. You knew the consequences, and yet you pushed through with it. When you were younger, you didn't know, so perhaps there’s an excuse. But when you’re older, like I am now (well, that has been 13 years ago), and you look back, you say, “Hell! What was I doing that time?” And even if you want to hit your head on the wall, you can’t make them disappear. You can’t even turn back the time, undo things and start all over like they never happened.

These experiences SHOULD make a better person out of you, right? You should have learned from those mistakes, turned pains into power, and wounds into wisdom. They say that you have an excuse if the mistake/s happened the first time. After all, life didn't come with instructions. But if it happens more than once, you’re already a fool. What happens when you never learn? What becomes of you when you do commit the same mistake/s again?

Are you guilty of this? Do you sometimes wish you could go back to that time when you were at the crossroads, making a crucial decision, and that instead of taking the wrong road, you took the right one? You knew better because you have been there, done that. And yet you took a risk, and opted for the unpopular choice. You would think that those past mistakes, lessons, experiences of yours have made you a more critical person. And you thought you had been wiser than before. But now, you don’t know anymore.

American writer Libba Bray said, “We all do things we desperately wish we could undo. Those regrets just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change that, well, it's like chasing clouds.”

And as they say, “Don’t regret what you've done. At some point, it’s what you wanted.” There are wrong regrets, as much as there are right regrets. And we always hope we end up with the right ones.



~TheGoodGirl

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Where do broken hearts go?

"I remember everything. How you smelled, how you tasted like the summer. The feel of your skin against mine, and the sound of your whispers as I loved you...I am grateful for having at least found you. We could have flashed by one another like two pieces of cosmic dust...And all the philosophic rationalizations I can conjure up do not keep me from wanting you, every day, every moment, the merciless wail of time, of time I can never spend with you, deep within my head..." 
Robert Kincaid, The Bridges of Madison County

#Alabang forever without you...can't do anything about the gloom. It's how it is #talesofthegoodgirl http://instagram.com/p/utw3QImFMx/

The hardest part in a failed or hopeless relationship is picking up the pieces. Acceptance that it can never prosper or it’s not meant to be is one thing, fixing a broken heart is another.

I've had several relationships in the past and if someone will ask me if I would go through each one of them again, I think I would - except for The End part.

True, the mere thought of parting with someone you have gone out with, been involved with, been in love with and whom you have shared a part of your life with, is a thought that you wouldn't want to dwell on. It doesn't matter whether that person has been in your life for days, or months or years. It really doesn't matter. Breaking up and - breaking your heart - is really a most painful thing to go through.

The thought of losing that person, "unattaching" or "disengaging" or "separating" yourself from the person and the relationship itself is simply unthinkable. I have always been a survivor of heartaches and failed relationships and I always tell myself that sulking for a while, crying for a while and being miserable for a while is all a part of it. You are entitled to it, after all. Afterwards, you move on. Life goes on.  But before that "liberation" part is the process of "disentangling", the process of letting go and letting be. And it could be the bloodiest part of all. Just thinking of saying goodbye, missing that person, living your life without him stops you. You tell yourself you can still endure a few more heartaches with him, continue to be miserable with him. That even though you've had enough and you want to end it all, the thought of going through the parting process holds you back.

For me, the heart being broken part is actually the hardest part of all, one thing that you don't want to go through again and again because the pain is simply unbearable. I, for one, have always been a person who gives it all in loving somebody. I don't hold back, I don't believe in loving halfway. I fall in love unconditionally and I always invest so much, emotionally, in a relationship. That is why the separation pangs are enough to kill me. I've lost persons I love, and let go of relationships. I've cried many times shamelessly and I've gone through a lot. This is the reason why I know how hard it is and I know I don't want to feel the same pain over and over again. Sometimes, even if I want to put an end to a relationship, what stops me is the thought of going through this merciless process. It's a kind of hurting that sometimes you feel your heart cannot take it any longer. And how the heart continues to endure this is a fact that continues to amaze me up to this very minute.

But yes, Whitney, even broken hearts can find their way home.

~TheGoodGirl

Monday, October 20, 2014

Words from TheGoodGirl: Ashes


ASHES
I was careful not to tap the cigarette
Dangling from my hand
Lest the ashes fall
As I wanted to see how long it can cling,
Similar to how I feel for you.
I wanted it to stay
For as long as it can
But you have long decided,
Before I could.
And now as I flick the ashes onto the ground
I say goodbye to the silver grey particles,
And to you, too.

~TheGoodGirl

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Something's Gotta Give

Erica Barry: I don't want my bearings. I've had my bearings my whole goddamn life. I feel something with you I never really knew existed. Do you know what that's like, after a 20-year marriage to feel something for another person that is so...? That... Oh, Right. Right. Not your problem. God. Do you know that I've written this, but I never really got it? Do you know what this is?
- Something's Gotta Give (2003)



Do you have, or have you had, a “eureka” or “a-ha!” moment?

Mine comes in the form of goosebumps.

I get goosebumps when I suddenly feel something life-changing, when I discover something, when I make up my mind to do something, when I finally say “This is it”, when I snap myself out of something, like when I've had enough and that has got to stop, I have to give it up, let it go or I have to move on. Something’s gotta give. Hell, yeah.

This is the signal I usually get when I have to make an important decision, and it’s not always a calm or serene moment. Sometimes there’s a war going on inside me and I don’t know which option to take or path to choose. Sometimes it takes a while before I say, “Ok, that’s it,” like a director yelling “Pack up” to his crew.

That’s the moment when there’s a tingling, hair-raising, prickly feeling that’s telling me something. I admit that it’s taken me quite a while to finally pay attention to the goosebumps. They've been popping up for sometime but I would always ignore them. But they are too frequent to overlook. There have been signs everywhere, without me asking for it. I knew that it was too good to be true, it cannot continue forever, and that something would happen sooner or later.

And I think this is it.

I’m going back to purple. And I think I will cry first.

~TheGoodGirl

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Something Stupid Like...I Like You


"Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you."
Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

A simple question, such as “Do you like me?” can be complicated between two people of the opposite sex, as I found out recently.

A girl feels the need to ask this question because:
  1. She does not want to assume that the guy likes her.
  2. She wants to be sure, wants assurance that yes, the guy likes her.
  3. She wants to hear it, straight from the horse’s mouth, period.
  4. She wants to know where she stands.
  5. She does not know the answer, period.

On the other hand, a guy does not reply or sees no need to answer the question, because:
  1. He does not have to say it, as his “Action speaks louder than words.”  
  2. He does not want to commit.  
  3. He is playing safe.  
  4. He does not like the girl.  
  5. He does not know the answer, period.

Why do people make things complicated, when in fact, a simple yes or no answer may suffice. But I guess that’s what makes men different from women. Sometimes, you just have to read between the lines. But sometimes, you may read too much. Or read them wrong. There are those “How to Know if a Guy Likes You“ quizzes  and in real life, you really can’t figure them out. Frustrating yes? I forgot who said (or wrote) it but it goes something like this: “It took a long time, but I've finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.”

In the movie He's Just Not That Into You (2009), Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) said: “...sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave… knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

In the same movie, Alex (Justin Long) said:  So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a sh*t, he genuinely doesn't give a sh*t. No exceptions.”

With a woman, it’s either black or white. You don’t have to wait for signs, you don’t have to guess. She either likes you or not. No in-betweens. No middle ground. No grey areas. She says it. She shows it. Plain. And pure. And simple.

With men, they could say one thing, then another, then act inconsistently. Confusing. Irritating. Exasperating.

But we like them anyway, yes?

Unfortunately.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

The Weighing Game

My daughter has always been an attention-getter. When she walks by, people would really notice her and stare at her with no effort from her at all. Laging pinagkakaguluhan - supermarket, donut shop, name it. She’s not really what you call “beautiful beautiful”, but she knows how to highlight her assets, has grown in the right places and has this effect on you, especially on boys. Her Dad and I would always kid her, “Para kaming alalay mo,” whenever we are walking together.

Perhaps that has been my greatest motivation in finally trying to lose weight. Not that I didn't feel good about myself. To begin with, I have a small built. Two pregnancies and perhaps, my being a couch potato and my laziness, account for the excess weight. For the past year or so, I have been on a no-rice diet but I am not sure if it did anything to me. I didn't want people to say, “Mommy nya yun?” in a tone that seems to mean, “Bakit hindi niya kamukha?” or “Bakit hindi maganda?” And when they see Alex, they would conclude, “Ah, nagmana pala sa daddy niya.” Hey, my daughter looks like me. But if I keep looking like this, they won't see that. This is my fear. Enough said.

I retained rice during breakfast, and would eat only a little during lunch and dinner. There would be cheat days, of course. But I also added exercise to my evening routine. Lunges, crunches, sit-ups and push-ups. I gave up 3-in-1 coffee as I was told they contain a lot of calories. But I still do take tea sometimes, and pineapple juice, and water with lemon or cucumber. I am addicted to sodas, but I think I can curb the addiction a bit.

After a while, I felt the difference. From a large size, I am now down to medium. And from 131 lbs, I am now 122. Although my waistline has become smaller, I still have this tummy. So I’m working on it, and on my arms. I’ve always been proud of my pair of legs. And even if my skin is not that flawless, it’s clear and fair. "Mommy, paliit ka na nang paliit," Alex would tell me everyday. At 43, I am happy with how I look and how people would tell me that I don’t look my age. Thank you so much. I hope you’re not just teasing me.

Parang sister mo lang si Cae. Objective achieved. At least, something is happening here. I can now wear the clothes I like, eat what I like, and I think that when I am with Cae, I would also get a few second glances and can still turn heads. And when they say, “Mommy nya yun?” I hope it’s said in awe and admiration – and could evoke inspiration. #MayIgagandaPaPala #PushPa



Sunday, September 28, 2014

Words from TheGoodGirl: Kaleidoscope / Roller Coaster

KALEIDOSCOPE
As you rotate the kaleidoscope
The objects shift
And the reflection changes,
Moving from one pattern to another.
Just like the emotions you evoke in me -
One second the colors are bright
Only to darken the next.
I am helpless.



ROLLER COASTER
Like a roller coaster ride
My world goes up and down
In your hand.
You lift me high
Only to bring me down.
The loops
Twists and turns
Free falls
You take me
In an exhilarating ride
Then bring it to a stop
I don't know why.

~TheGoodGirl


Images from: http://gregegan.customer.netspace.net.au/images/Kaleidoscope.gif
http://stopsellingvanillaicecream.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Roller-Coaster.jpg

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Words from TheGoodGirl: Memory Jars


Inside my mind
And heart,
There is a library of memories.
The memories are contained in jars,
Categorized into years
And persons.

There are memories
(or years or persons)
That I choose not to remember at all.
They’re in the shadowy recesses of my mind,
Like dark aisles in a library.
I keep them there as I don’t want to be reminded
Of experiences or moments
That were humiliating,
Frightening,
Hurting
Heartbreaking.

Such memories, unfortunately, never leave.
They just stay in our consciousness:
A person of the past
Death
A failed relationship
Insecurity or fear...
And you just push the jars back.

In a visit to the library,
I recently opened one,
Without realizing the consequences.
The memories rushed out,
Like a flood.
I was not able to control the outpour,
I was carried away
And got lost.

Yet after the initial deluge,
I sifted the experiences
And as I go through each moment,
All I could do was to stop and stare in awe,
And remember (everything) in wonder.

Yes, you are here again
And I'm back to square one now.
I opted to replace the lid
And close the jar,
Returning it to where it belongs – the past.

Yet I am setting aside another empty jar 
Waiting for you to fill it up again.
This time,
With forever.

~TheGoodGirl

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Birthday Blog from TheGoodGirl

When I was a kid, I used to look forward to Mr. Postman delivering my birthday cards from my grandparents and aunt in the US. My lola and Mama Baybee never failed to send me one. Sometimes, there would be a dollar inside - such heartwarming childhood memories that will stay forever in my heart.

Then when the mobile phone era came, I would wait for my papa’s all-caps birthday SMS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANAK. LOVE, PAPA AND MAMA. After hearing Mass, I would call them up to thank them - for my life and for all the love. And there would always be tears in my eyes afterwards.

It has become an annual tradition – this birthday blog of mine. Every year, the things that I am thankful for are piling up, and the things that I want or wish for are getting fewer.  It’s not that I have much, I don’t. It’s just that when you get older, you know what really matters (like the dollars, joke) and what doesn't (anymore).

Once again (pardon the litany), thank You Lord:
  • For 43 wonderful years - There were rough and sad times, but they made me a stronger person. The happy times made me softer. Thank You for the highs and the lows. The good times and the bad. I am what I am now because of these. Thank you Lord for the gifts and talents that I continue to share with others.
  • For my papa and mama - I hope I have become the person you wanted me to be. I miss you Papa. Mama, your voice over the phone is enough.
  • For my 2 Cs - Caitlin and Caehl, you are my priceless gems and you always bring me so much happiness. A mom can’t ask for anything more.
  • For The Squids - You are simply the best. No words come close enough.
  • For my niece, nephews and grand-niece – You are our pride and joy.
  • For my relatives who are always at our side - for better or worse.
  • For my in-laws - Thank you for being good to me.
  • For my “angels” Ev and Novy – Thank you for making my life easier so I can perform my job better.
  • For Insular Life - You have given me so much. I am giving it back to you. Thank you to my Insular Life family as well.  I love birthday leaves.
  • For my friends – Thank you for always being there, regardless of distance and time zone. High school. College. Office. Neighborhood. FB. Thicker waistlines, creases and wrinkles and domestic problems and all.
  • For those who are not in my litany – You are not in the list - but in my heart. I simply cannot have everything. But I am grateful for the little infinity. Perhaps in another lifetime. I will always be here. That’s all.
  • For Alex - Here’s to the snow that sometimes comes down in June, and the sun that sometimes goes 'round the moon. Save the best for last, Dad.
My day has just begun, and there’s an outpour of birthday greetings – Facebook, Twitter, SMS, Viber, and even Instagram, since last night. Thank you. I feel so blessed and loved and appreciated. I can’t ask for more. It’s just too much. Maybe I really have done something good to deserve it.

But I want more Louis Vuitton and Longchamp bags, and Havaianas slippers. I am a girl, after all.

Thank you from The(one and only)GoodGirl.





Friday, August 8, 2014

No Pain, No Gain

“Pain is easy to write. In pain we're all happily individual. But what can one write about happiness?”
― Graham Greene, The End of the Affair

Sadness they say is a great motivator, especially for writers. So, does it mean that when I don’t write or when I couldn't write, I’m happy? Do I have to be in pain to write?

Sometimes I do get writer’s block. I am just a mortal. While there are so many things going on and happening inside my head, I can’t seem to put it all down in writing. That’s why sometimes I resort to Facebook or Twitter when I just have to share it, and I don’t have enough time to blog. Sometimes, I lose a lot of beautiful gems of thought and sentiment along the way, as they end up in a black hole. Sometimes, I have incomplete or unfinished entries. What started out as a nice promising blog would be just a paragraph or two, the inspiration already missing and cannot be found even if I go back to it.

But sadness (or lack of it) has nothing to do with it. Maybe when I’m sad, words come easily, driven by the pain or the emotions involved. And the tendency is to share that feeling to other people who would care to listen and sympathize, to lessen the pain a bit. If it demands to be felt, then it needs to be shared. To allow other people to learn from that pain, or gain something from the experience. Why not, Oprah Winfrey advised us to turn our wounds into wisdom, didn't she?


Writing when you’re happy is another story. For one, when you are happy and you want to share that happiness, sometimes you run the risk of rubbing some people the wrong way. They might accuse you of gloating, or making yabang instead of inspiring them or making them feel happy for you. I have seen a lot of posts / statuses in Facebook where the person shows off a relationship, a job, an achievement, or acquisition, and more often than not, the feelings he / suhe has evoked from his / her audience are probably not the desired one.

“Yabang naman.”
“Hiyang-hiya naman kami sa iyo.”
“Ikaw na!”
 “Siksik, liglig, nag-uumapaw ka na sa blessings, tirhan mo naman kami.”
“Neseye ne eng lehet.”

So is it easier then to gain sympathy when you’re bleeding, than win approvals when you’re on top of the world?

You be the judge.

~TheGoodGirl

Friday, July 25, 2014

The pain that won’t go away


Image from http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/p/keep-calm-and-enter-the-red-room-of-pain/

Sometimes there’s an ache that’s not physical but you can almost feel it just the same. And it won’t disappear.  It won’t go away.

Sometimes the pain is called love. The kind that is not reciprocated. The kind that is oh so one way or one-sided. The kind that is unrequited. The kind that is not appreciated by the recipient.

In a previous blog, when my daughter Caitlin was younger, I wrote that I dreaded the day she falls in love and feels the first pain.

Just over lunch yesterday, I was standing by the pantry window and joked that I would stay there until my Prince Charming comes along.  And they said that I would probably wait there for a long time. Moral: Ang hirap maghintay ng Prince Charming talaga.

Why is love so elusive? What makes it elusive? And even if you have found it, sometimes it turns out that it’s not meant for you. And it’s even more heartbreaking - knowing that you can’t have the person. I think it was James Patterson who wrote that “What’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?” 

But someone else put it perfectly. “A person doesn't know true hurt and suffering until they've felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere.”

And meanwhile, a teen actress said, “Love should be precious, not painful.”

Sometimes, in my Facebook newsfeed, I see posts which one can easily decode as the person “being in love” and I would tell myself,  “Naku, masasaktan lang ito.”

  • Hindi ka niya type.
  • Friend-zoned.
  • He/she doesn’t see you as anyone except as a friend.
  • Parang kayo pero parang hindi.  
  • Parang gusto ka niya pero parang hindi.
  • Gusto ka niya pero hindi puwede.
  • Minsan gusto ka niya, pero madalas hindi.
  • Akala mo lang gusto ka niya.
  • He/she likes you but he/she has someone else. 
  • Or he/she likes somebody else.
  • May iba na siya.
  • He/she only remembers you when he/she needs something.
  • Back-up ka lang. Reserba. Sideline. Raket.
  • Ayaw ka na niya. Dati, oo. Ngayon, hindi na.
  • Hindi talaga ubra. Hindi talaga puwede. Kahit pagbali-baligtarin mo man ang mundo.

There are pains that just won’t go away. And you are left with two choices. Accept that they have no (medical) treatments and
  1. make them go away by walking away or
  2. endure the pain.

It’s really up to you.

Because, as said in the novel Kill me Softly, “…if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”

~TheGoodGirl

Author's Disclaimer: I just write about love and relationships. Please don't ask if this is about me :)

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Street Smart

We finally had Kikay back.

As you may know, our beautiful 10-year old ruby red Honda City was hit by a Ford Escape last June 21, just a few streets from ours. It was a good thing that no one was hurt when it happened. Everything was taken care of the Escape’s owner (a multinational company whose insurance provider made it possible for the repair shop to pick up Kikay from our house). Except for the trip to the police station on that fateful afternoon, and Alex picking it up last July 12 from Sta. Rosa, we did not lift a finger – thank God.

It left us carless for three weeks, though. Going home, I don’t really care much about commuting because I am used to it. But going to the office in the morning, it’s really an effort on my part. It takes 45 minutes vs my usual 15 minutes as I have to take 2 rides - tricycle and van. Plus waiting time until the van is full. Plus traffic along Canlalay (Biñan) going to SLEX. Plus smoke (and gasoline smell) getting in my hair and on my skin. Plus having to pack my heeled shoes along, and just wear flats on my way to the office.

Someone thought it might be a good source for new adventures for the TheGoodGirl. On my first few days, though, everyone in the van seemed to be asleep, and I was the only one who was up and restless. If this is the way things would go, I don’t have a tale to tell, I thought. But it seems that I am really a “story magnet”. There were stories and adventures to share, after all. 

Usually, I would catch the 630-645am trip, and more often than not, it would have the same set of passengers. Including two officemates. There’s this girl with her yaya (although the latter looks like an aunt) who at first would pay for fare for two, but later on, when it increased from Php45 to Php50, kandong na lang. I was beside them one time and the girl was kind of “malikot”. Her feet were up the whole time and I was afraid her rubber shoes would smear my light-colored dress. Moral: Don’t wear dumihin dresses when commuting. Para walang sisihan.

And there’s this man beside me who was paying for his fare, and he said he’s a senior citizen. The driver said, “Ows, di nga?” 

Pinatulan naman niya ang driver. 

“Oo, 60 na ako.” 

The driver replied, “Parang hindi naman halata. Parang 59 lang.” 

Tuwang-tuwa naman si Mr. Senior Citizen. 

LOL I was like, pati pala guys share this age joke among themselves. 

The same driver said, “Magtataas na po kami sa July 7 ha.” 

Mr. Senior Citizen asked me, “Kailan daw?” 

“Sa July 7 daw po,” I replied. “Sa Monday.” 

After a while, he asked for the time. “May 7(am) na ba?” 

I said, “Wala pa po, quarter to seven pa lang.” 

Then he laughed. 

I was puzzled, may nakakatawa kaya sa sinabi ko? O natural comedienne lang talaga ako? Hindi po ako si Gina, si Karen po.

Meanwhile...During our tricycle ride one morning, after dropping off Alex in the nearest shuttle station, I was surprised because the driver recognized me. 

“Ma’am, kumusta na po kotse ninyo?” He said he was there when the accident happened. So for the next 5 minutes, we were having a conversation, and I kind of enjoyed it.

Then, another morning, the tricycle driver was talking to the girl at the back ride. 

"College ka na ba?” he asked.  

I think the girl replied that she was going to Malayan Colleges (Cabuyao, Laguna). 

For the next ten minutes or so, I was listening to his “words of wisdom”. 

“Pano ang schedule mo? “Anong oras ka na nakakauwi?” 

Don’t worry about his questions. I didn’t think he’s a bad guy. Parang father-like lang

“Magkano tuition nyo?” “Magkano baon mo?” "Tapos, pagkain pa.” 

I couldn’t hear the girl’s reply over the vroom-vroom sounds. 

Then he said, “Ah ganun? Tapos wawalanghiyain lang ng iba ang magulang (nila).” 

He advised the girl to study hard and finish her schooling. “Mahirap (ang) hindi nagtapos ng pag-aaral.”

See, so you believe me now?

Jo, you were right. There was so much to write about and share. All you have to do is listen. I can’t say I’m missing my morning commuting days, but it was fun, too, while it lasted. Here’s to more tales and adventures of TheGoodGirl! Cheers to the commuting public!

~TheGoodGirl

Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Morning After (PUSH and “at leasts”)

When I went to bed the night of July 15, despite DOST PAGASA’s warning, little did we know what would actually hit us.

Heavy rains and strong winds which brought about power fluctuations woke me up around 130am of July 16 (same date of the killer earthquake in 1990). I was scared that our roof would get blown away as the winds grew stronger and stronger. I kept on praying that I think I have called on all the saints in the world. 

I checked the kitchen and the dining room once more (as they are the most vulnerable areas in our house when it rains) and just stayed awake. Our wireless router is still on, and my mobile is still on 3G. Then around 4am, the power died. Same with my Globe signal. I got up to fill the bathroom pails with water as water supply is the first to go when power fails.

As usual, my restlessness roused Caehl and there we were, hugging each other, with his tiny stuffed monkey Avi, between us. “Mommy, protect me. Please pray,” he kept on saying.

Since I was not able to sleep at all, it was shortly before 9am when I finally came out of the room. Our front door was still locked, and all the windows were shut. It was still raining a bit. Come 1030am, it stopped, and the winds were dwindling.

I stepped out in our terrace. It was a messy lot. My laundry area was a disaster. I felt sorry for the fishes, as they have no oxygen, they were in a huddle in one corner of the aquarium. And what do you know, a wedding was going on in our parish. They probably decided it was too late to cancel it. Network signal was still out but I managed to receive a few SMS from my sister-in-law, friends and officemates. Checking out our street, we found a broken lamp post, with the lamp hanging on by a thread; broken branches and a fallen Max’s sign on Tita Helen’s store. 


 

Broken lamp post






 Bye Ninong Max!







   Poor fishy-fishy


Vehicles (owned by people attending the wedding) were parked in front of my house, a Suzuki APV blocking our driveway. A man, who lives on the next street, was shouting at the driver. 

“Hindi naman yata yan lalabas (referring to us / our car), i-parada mo na diyan.” 

The driver saw me watching them, “Hindi ba kayo lalabas?” he repeated. 

“Sabi mo eh,“ I replied, showing my annoyance. “Assuming ka.”

My point was, whether we were going out or not, you don’t just block someone else's driveway, right? The parking lot beside the church was big enough anyway.

After lunch (Question: What is it with rains that makes people hungry? My mag-aama ate heartily), I was again sleepy. Question 2: What is it with rains that makes people sleepy? I woke up around 3pm. Since it was already clear, I asked Caehl if he wanted to buy some stuff from the supermarket. Actually, all I wanted was to buy another box of champorado, as there was only one pack left in the cupboard. We had enough food and supplies anyway, it was just an excuse to get out of the house. Cabin fever. "To escape boredom," as Caehl put it.

In Pacita Complex, Caehl was counting fallen trees and store signs, shaking his head and hating all of it. In Shopwise, it was hot and the skeletal force was not enough for the shoppers. Again, despite the warnings from PAGASA, it seems everyone was not prepared, buying the storm essentials only on that afternoon, after Glenda happened.

While in line, Caehl almost had a tantrum attack (but mainly because he was hungry and he didn't know it).

The lady in front of us said something to her companion. Caehl turned to me and said, “Did you hear that, Mommy? She has no signal.”

He asked Alex, “How about you, Daddy? Do you have a signal?” When his dad said no, he was distraught. “What’s the percentage? As in 0 percent?”

“Mommy, it’s an awful day,” he said, starting to cry. I hugged and kissed him and assured him that everything will be all right. We just have to wait for power to be restored, I told him.

Then he said, “But at least, there are “at leasts” in what happened, Mommy.”

“What do you mean?" I asked.

“At least, we’re together, we’re safe, we have food, we have money to buy things, and we have our car back,” he enumerated. I guess this is his own version of counting blessings during a bad situation. “Just PUSH. Pray until something happens.“

The wisdom of a child indeed.

“How about you, Mommy? What are your at leasts?”

“Same as yours," I said, adding that at least, a tree didn't fall on our house, our roof was intact, there’s enough water supply. But - our laundry area was a disaster, I repeated my observation to him.

“Don’t say that,” he said.

“Say what?” I asked.

“Disaster," he replied. “Just PUSH.”

“You’re a changed boy,” Alex and I told him, ruffling his hair and admiring him.

Twilight. A view from our terrace

We shared champorado and dilis in the terrace as we all decided to dine al fresco for a change. Still with no electricity, our boy entertained us and our guests (Inna and Manang) with his funny stories and antics, and learned a card game.

When it was time to call it a day, Caehl, nudging closer to me, whispered, “Mommy, it was fun.”

“No longer awful?” I asked.

“Because we’re together and safe,” he said.

Remember, #JustPUSH.

~TheGoodGirl